Archive for 2018

Religion Being Indistinguishable from Marketing

Scientologist man: What would you like your career to be?
Young queer: I’m still not sure. I’d like something that pays millions but doesn’t require any actual work, you know?
Scientologist man: You should aspire to do more with your life if you ever want to be happy. I own my own company, and I love my life.
Young queer: Um, you’re giving out free stress tests in a subway station and attempting to sell some crazy guy’s book. Am I supposed to believe that this is just a hobby of yours?
Scientologist man: Yes.

–42nd St station

Overheard by: Lolita

Also What Freshman Orientation Is Like at Cornell.

Girl #1: Ugh, Brooklyn Tech is so odd. But the kids are mad cool. We’re all like demented nerds. It’s your typical urban Brooklyn high school, but with super-genius kids. Super-genius kids that ain’t right in da head. But ya know, we kick ass.
Girl #2: Damn straight! Dem otha kids got nuthin on us.
Boy: Yo, you guys are whack! No wonder you are here.
Crowd of kids: Word!

–DeKalb Ave

Pardon Me, Ma’am, I Have Mariconcitos to Inspect

Hispanic cleaning lady: No, nuh-uh — I am not going in there anymore. Those little mariconcitos always runnin’ around naked. [Hispanic kid laughs.] See?! He knows what I’m talkin’ about!

–Gym lockers, Hunter College

Overheard by: Kevo changes in these lockers

Until I Fuck You with a Strap-On at Intermission

Girl #1: I was so impressed with him! He immediately identified me as bi. No one else had ever done that before.
Girl #2: I know. When I came out three months ago, I called everyone I knew, and they were all surprised.
Girl #1: And here we are at Hamlet, sitting here in dresses! No one will ever suspect!

–Delacorte Theater, Central Park

We Were Told There’d Be No Math on These Wednesday One-Liners

Woman to date: I was like “what does “less than three” mean”?

–Dumont Burger

Teenage boy with rainbow hat: I wanted to show her my orgasmic calculus book!

–Borders, Time Warner Center

Crackhead, shouting at hobo: No, man, I’m not giving you a penny! Ya know why? I save my pennies! Ya know why? Cause if you save one penny every day for a year, that’s three hundred and sixty five dollars. After five years, that’s three thousand dollars. And after ten years…

–Spring & Layfayette

Elderly Chinese professor to panel of lawyers: I’m not sure, but if you look in the NASA phonebook, over half of the names are Chinese! Over half! (pause) I’m not sure, but can you imagine? This is because Americans are not good at math, that’s a fact.

–St. John’s University, Jamaica, Queens

Overheard by: Wayne B.

Man on phone: Dude, like, she was sucking harder than motherfucking trigonometry.

–Times Square

Overheard by: gwen