Guy: So what gets rid of dark spots, then?
Cashier chick: Nothing here. Try buying some vitamin E oil.
Guy: Whale blubber?
–Kiehl’s, 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: michael neal
Archive for 2018
Eggs: Is It Wrong to Envy Our Sister Who Got Scraped Last Month?
Teen girl #1: Do you ever talk to your eggs?
Teen girl #2: Like, fridge eggs or baby eggs?
Teen girl #1: Baby eggs.
Teen girl #2: No?
Teen girl #1: Well, I do. I mean, they might be a baby eventually!
–Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
You Can’t Let Your Lazy Vagina Run Your Life
Girl: How are you supposed to have sex without an apartment? Isn’t your father worried for your penis?
Guy: Lord knows… But my penis is, like — singing the blues.
Girl: Oh my God, so sad!! My vagina is begging for a vacation — though she can’t because she is booked two weekends in a row.
–Broadway & Prince
Overheard by: Willy Holiday
He’ll Have His Own Travel Show within a Month
Blonde tourist squinting at sign: It says in small letters, ‘African-American burial ground, Historic District.’
Hobo: That’s right. They’s dead niggas all over the mothafucka. Right under the pavement. Paved right over they ass without no mothafuckin’ consideration whatsoever. You probably standing over a dead nigga right now.
Blonde tourist: That’s terrible. How did they find them?
Hobo: The white man was diggin’ here for something — I dunno, prob’ly thought there was some money under the sidewalk, and all they found was a bunch of dead niggas. So they covered ’em up again and put up them signs.
Blonde tourist, handing hobo a dollar: Well, thank you very much.
Hobo: And thank you, ma’am. Any other historical information you need, come back and ask for Willie.
–Center St & Pearl St
Overheard by: Big Larry
For the Hot Anarchist Chicks, Duh!
German anarchist guy: …so then they’ll come to the meetings and be like, “Fuck the meetings! The revolution will be spontaneous!”.
American anarchist guy: I know, I know. And we’re always like, “Then why did you come to the meeting?”.
–Chinatown bus
…But That's Actually a Tuna Sandwich.
Hipster girl with tattoo: Have you ever masturbated so much your room only smells like pussy?
Hipster girl with nose ring, nonchalantly: It's the best, isn't it?
–Q Train
Overheard by: Alex
Since He Moved in with His Auntie and Uncle in Bel Air
Girl #1: And she was like, “Come to Philly!”
Girl #2: Ugh! Nobody goes to Philly. Not even Will Smith goes to Philly.
–Jenny Lewis Show, The Apollo Theater
Overheard by: Mindy
No More Caffeine for You
Teen girl #1: I’m tired.
Teen girl #2: Don’t worry, we’ll stimulate you… [starts to flail limbs everywhere] … with a dance! Woo!
–Dunkin’ Donuts
Wednesday One-Liners Get a Reltney
Hipster girl: And he's always like, "oh god, I'm so hard!" and I'm always just like, "really?"
–Kimmel Cafeteria, NYU
Loud passenger: I'm so horny I'd fuck a potato right now.
–Metro-North
Overheard by: fingerling
Guy: I've had a hard-on all day! I need to polish my lid.
–Hard Rock Cafe
Bearded hipster to another, on blanket in the park: Like, I could have sex eight times in a day and still come here and get a boner.
–McCarren Park, Williamsburg
Overheard by: kalbijim
Girl to guy friend: Did you just get a boner while we're talking about Mexicans and drowning?
–Williamsburg
Your Heteronormativity Stings, Dude!
Thug in truck to guy kissing his girlfriend: Oh, get a room dude!
Guy kissing his girlfriend: Get a girl!
–82nd St