Archive for 2018

You Can’t Let Your Lazy Vagi­na Run Your Life

Girl: How are you sup­posed to have sex with­out an apart­ment? Is­n’t your fa­ther wor­ried for your pe­nis?
Guy: Lord knows… But my pe­nis is, like — singing the blues.
Girl: Oh my God, so sad!! My vagi­na is beg­ging for a va­ca­tion — though she can’t be­cause she is booked two week­ends in a row.

–Broad­way & Prince

Over­heard by: Willy Hol­i­day

He’ll Have His Own Trav­el Show with­in a Month

Blonde tourist squint­ing at sign: It says in small let­ters, ‘African-Amer­i­can bur­ial ground, His­toric Dis­trict.‘
Hobo: That’s right. They’s dead nig­gas all over the moth­a­fuc­ka. Right un­der the pave­ment. Paved right over they ass with­out no moth­a­fuckin’ con­sid­er­a­tion what­so­ev­er. You prob­a­bly stand­ing over a dead nig­ga right now.
Blonde tourist: That’s ter­ri­ble. How did they find them?
Hobo: The white man was dig­gin’ here for some­thing — I dun­no, prob’­ly thought there was some mon­ey un­der the side­walk, and all they found was a bunch of dead nig­gas. So they cov­ered ’em up again and put up them signs.
Blonde tourist, hand­ing hobo a dol­lar: Well, thank you very much.
Hobo: And thank you, ma’am. Any oth­er his­tor­i­cal in­for­ma­tion you need, come back and ask for Willie.

–Cen­ter St & Pearl St

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get a Relt­ney

Hip­ster girl: And he’s al­ways like, “oh god, I’m so hard!” and I’m al­ways just like, “re­al­ly?”

–Kim­mel Cafe­te­ria, NYU

Loud pas­sen­ger: I’m so horny I’d fuck a pota­to right now.

–Metro-North

Over­heard by: fin­ger­ling

Guy: I’ve had a hard-on all day! I need to pol­ish my lid.

–Hard Rock Cafe

Beard­ed hip­ster to an­oth­er, on blan­ket in the park: Like, I could have sex eight times in a day and still come here and get a bon­er.

–Mc­Car­ren Park, Williams­burg

Over­heard by: kalbi­jim

Girl to guy friend: Did you just get a bon­er while we’re talk­ing about Mex­i­cans and drown­ing?

–Williams­burg