Woman looking at statue: Did Columbus even make it to Manhattan?
–Columbus Circle
Tourist guy: Lots of people, smells really bad… It’s just like I always imagined.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Lauren
Archive for 2018
Should’ve Kept a Lock on Those Adoption Records, Mommy
Lady pushing stroller, after Puerto Rican Day parade: No, you are not Puerto Rican.
Four-year-old daughter, with flag painted on her face: Yes, I am!
–71st & 2nd
Overheard by: Yann
Thanks to the Hypnotic Rhythm Of Our Argument
Woman in line at Duane Reade: I drank your water, um, that bottle of bottled water?
Boyfriend: The one with the vodka in it?
Woman: Yeah, and it, um, tasted funny. I had to lie down.
Boyfriend: Are you going to apologize?
Woman: No.
Boyfriend: Are you going to apologize?
Woman: No.
Boyfriend: Are you going to apologize?
Woman: No. You should have come to bed.
Boyfriend: I did. You were asleep.
–59th St & 10th Ave
Overheard by: Tanker
I Thought Guys Liked Fishnets and Bitter Irony
Guy #1: Why are hipster chicks so unattractive?
Guy #2: Because if they were attractive they would be accused of conforming, and then they might even have to get excited about something.…god forbid.
–5 train
Wednesday One-Liners Are the Reason for the Season
Bus driver: Just a friendly reminder, folks: it is now holiday season! Holiday shopping season! So, for those of you who insist on utilizing the crosstown bus, please remember to add six hours onto your regular travel time!
–M14D crosstown bus
Conductor: This is the A express. Forty-second Street is next. And remember: only ten shopping days left until Christmas!
–A train, 59th St
Overheard by: Call me Santa
Man on cell: What did I get you for for Christmas last year? … Oh, yeah, I bought you all that! [Smiles sheepishly.] Well, I ain’t buying you shit this Christmas!
–1 train
Overheard by: marcusmarc
Old black dude to Salvation Army Santa: Hahaha! You ring that bell like a faggot!
–33rd & 7th
Conductor: Now would be a good time to discuss the idea of pickpockets — they’re running wild everywhere during this Christmas time! And that’s your paranoia for the day!
–F train
Santa on cell: Bro, I totally almost fucked a girl dressed as a reindeer last night.
–Ludlow St
Overheard by: ryan
Conductor: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you’re all doing well. Just wanted to remind you to take all your belongings with you as you exit the train. Have a wonderful holiday… Be safe, be good, and if you can’t be good, be good-looking.
–2 train
Overheard by: apparently out of luck
And Wash It Down With About Half a Liter of My Trainer’s Semen
Jacked gay guy #1: I’m feeling a little sick.
Jacked gay guy #2: Have you been eating enough?
Jacked gay guy #1: Well…I think so?
Jacked gay guy #2: Whenever I feel like I’m getting sick, I eat a lot. I just stuff myself like a pig. That way I’m making sure I get in all my nutrients.
Jacked gay guy #1: Oh, yeah, that’s a really good idea!
–Saigon Grill
Overheard by: i’ll have what they’re having…
Stuff It in Your Chalupa, Sir
Restaurant patron, on Cinco de Mayo: Can I hit the piñata?
Waiter: Sir, their is nothing inside the piñata.
Restaurant patron: Yes, but there’s rage inside me!
–Fonda Mexicana
Overheard by: A — This Girl Knows What I’m Talkin’ About
Think We Saw Pearl Harbor Coming?
Japanese teacher: So the ‘sou desu’ form is used when you want to say something seems like something else. Like, Tanaka San seems happy — you could say ‘Tanaka San wa ureshisou desu.‘
Student #1: What if he’s smiling and he just won the lottery? Would you have to say he seems happy, or could you say that he is happy?
Japanese teacher: Well, you are not Tanaka San — he could find the money to be a burden — so you’d have to use ‘sou desu.‘
Student #2: What if he’s yelling that he’s happy?
Japanese teacher: He could be lying. You never know with Tanaka San…
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Vicksburg
It’d Be Goodbye, Valtrex
Dog owner to pup bugging drunk girl: Heel, dog, heel.
Drunk girl’s friend: Oh my god, what if that dog could actually heal you?!
–Outside Plug Uglies
Overheard by: Starkie
Pretend to Enjoy It and You Can Have the Whole Cup
Boyfriend: Mmmm… Coffee…
Preggers girlfriend: What?! You got coffee? Give me a sip…
Boyfriend: No, baby… No caffeine for you…
Preggers girlfriend, trying to wrestle cup away: Just a sip? Pleeease?!
Boyfriend: No! Bad for the baby…
Preggers girlfriend: I’ll suck your dick for a sip! [Boyfriend immediately hands the cup over.]
–Times Square
Overheard by: Mike
