Archive for 2018

Thanks to the Hyp­not­ic Rhythm Of Our Ar­gu­ment

Woman in line at Du­ane Reade: I drank your wa­ter, um, that bot­tle of bot­tled wa­ter?
Boyfriend: The one with the vod­ka in it?
Woman: Yeah, and it, um, tast­ed fun­ny. I had to lie down.
Boyfriend: Are you go­ing to apol­o­gize?
Woman: No.
Boyfriend: Are you go­ing to apol­o­gize?
Woman: No.
Boyfriend: Are you go­ing to apol­o­gize?
Woman: No. You should have come to bed.
Boyfriend: I did. You were asleep.

–59th St & 10th Ave

Over­heard by: Tanker

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are the Rea­son for the Sea­son

Bus dri­ver: Just a friend­ly re­minder, folks: it is now hol­i­day sea­son! Hol­i­day shop­ping sea­son! So, for those of you who in­sist on uti­liz­ing the crosstown bus, please re­mem­ber to add six hours on­to your reg­u­lar trav­el time!

–M14D crosstown bus

Con­duc­tor: This is the A ex­press. Forty-sec­ond Street is next. And re­mem­ber: on­ly ten shop­ping days left un­til Christ­mas!

–A train, 59th St

Over­heard by: Call me San­ta

Man on cell: What did I get you for for Christ­mas last year? … Oh, yeah, I bought you all that! [Smiles sheep­ish­ly.] Well, I ain’t buy­ing you shit this Christ­mas!

–1 train

Over­heard by: mar­cus­marc

Old black dude to Sal­va­tion Army San­ta: Ha­ha­ha! You ring that bell like a fag­got!

–33rd & 7th

Con­duc­tor: Now would be a good time to dis­cuss the idea of pick­pock­ets — they’re run­ning wild every­where dur­ing this Christ­mas time! And that’s your para­noia for the day!

–F train

San­ta on cell: Bro, I to­tal­ly al­most fucked a girl dressed as a rein­deer last night.

–Lud­low St

Over­heard by: ryan

Con­duc­tor: Good morn­ing, ladies and gen­tle­men. I hope you’re all do­ing well. Just want­ed to re­mind you to take all your be­long­ings with you as you ex­it the train. Have a won­der­ful hol­i­day… Be safe, be good, and if you can’t be good, be good-look­ing.

–2 train

Over­heard by: ap­par­ent­ly out of luck

And Wash It Down With About Half a Liter of My Train­er’s Se­men

Jacked gay guy #1: I’m feel­ing a lit­tle sick.
Jacked gay guy #2: Have you been eat­ing enough?
Jacked gay guy #1: Well…I think so?
Jacked gay guy #2: When­ev­er I feel like I’m get­ting sick, I eat a lot. I just stuff my­self like a pig. That way I’m mak­ing sure I get in all my nu­tri­ents.
Jacked gay guy #1: Oh, yeah, that’s a re­al­ly good idea!

–Saigon Grill

Over­heard by: i’ll have what they’re hav­ing…

Stuff It in Your Chalu­pa, Sir

Restau­rant pa­tron, on Cin­co de Mayo: Can I hit the piña­ta?
Wait­er: Sir, their is noth­ing in­side the piña­ta.
Restau­rant pa­tron: Yes, but there’s rage in­side me!

–Fon­da Mex­i­cana

Over­heard by: A — This Girl Knows What I’m Talkin’ About

Think We Saw Pearl Har­bor Com­ing?

Japan­ese teacher: So the ‘sou desu’ form is used when you want to say some­thing seems like some­thing else. Like, Tana­ka San seems hap­py — you could say ‘Tana­ka San wa ure­shisou desu.‘
Stu­dent #1: What if he’s smil­ing and he just won the lot­tery? Would you have to say he seems hap­py, or could you say that he is hap­py?
Japan­ese teacher: Well, you are not Tana­ka San — he could find the mon­ey to be a bur­den — so you’d have to use ‘sou desu.‘
Stu­dent #2: What if he’s yelling that he’s hap­py?
Japan­ese teacher: He could be ly­ing. You nev­er know with Tana­ka San…

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Vicks­burg

Pre­tend to En­joy It and You Can Have the Whole Cup

Boyfriend: Mm­mm… Cof­fee…
Preg­gers girl­friend: What?! You got cof­fee? Give me a sip…
Boyfriend: No, ba­by… No caf­feine for you…
Preg­gers girl­friend, try­ing to wres­tle cup away: Just a sip? Pleeease?!
Boyfriend: No! Bad for the ba­by…
Preg­gers girl­friend: I’ll suck your dick for a sip! [Boyfriend im­me­di­ate­ly hands the cup over.]

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Mike