Archive for 2018

Wednes­day Vagin­ers

Girl on train: You know some­times when you feel like your vagi­nal walls are col­laps­ing in on them­selves?

–La­Guardia High School

Black man to black­er friend: Damn, I done lost plen­ty a bruthas to the street. But I ain’t nev­er lost none to the pussy.

–Harlem

Over­heard by: Missa­li­cious

20-some­thing el­e­gant girl on Black­Ber­ry: No, I *don’t* need you in my vagi­na. But thanks.

–23rd & 8th

Of­fice-clad la­dy to an­oth­er: I felt like my vagi­na ran from my bel­ly but­ton to the base of my spine!

–Ave A & 3rd

Over­heard by: While on hold with 311

30-some­thing fe­male to friend: Un­less she has a head crown­ing from her cooch, you should­n’t ask that.

–12th St & Ave A

Woman on cell: Pussy is pussy! It don’t mat­ter nig­ga! (pause] Oh, dammit. Dammit. Oh, dammit. I missed my fuck­ing stop!

–M3 Bus, Up­per East Side

Over­heard by: De­siree

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Join the Jet Set

In­ter­com voice: If you heard your name, or some­thing that sounds like it could be your name, please board your plane. It is leav­ing!

–Air­Tran gates, La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: Se­bas­t­ian White

Se­cu­ri­ty of­fi­cial: Okay, peo­ple, have your board­ing pass­es out! If you don’t have your board­ing pass­es out, I’m send­ing you to Am­trak!

–Se­cu­ri­ty screen­ing line, La­Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: Beth T

Pi­lot, on crowd­ed run­way: Wel­come to the park­ing lot known as La­Guardia Air­port.

–La­Guardia Tar­mac

Pi­lot: The mist you are see­ing is caused by a dif­fer­ence in tem­per­a­ture. The tem­per­a­ture out­side is dif­fer­ent from the tem­per­a­ture in­side. Once we close the door and pre­pare for take-off, the mist will dis­ap­pear, which will make us very sad be­cause we like mist.

–Jet­blue flight in­to New York

Over­heard by: Denise

Pi­lot: Good af­ter­noon, pas­sen­gers. We are about to make our fi­nal de­scent in­to John F. Kennedy In­ter­na­tion­al Air­port, so buck­le your seat­belts and hold on tight.

–Flight in­to JFK

Over­heard by: fre­quent fly­er

Sassy flight at­ten­dant: In the event of a loss of cab­in pres­sure, oxy­gen masks will be re­leased from the over­head above your seat. Af­ter the scream­ing sub­sides, please place the oxy­gen mask around your nose and mouth. If you are trav­el­ing with a child or an adult who is act­ing like a child, place your mask on first be­fore at­tempt­ing to help put theirs on.

–Flight out of La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Ron­nie F

Flight at­ten­dant: …and for those of you who wish to smoke, quit! And if you want to smoke in­side, you came to the wrong state.

–Spir­it Air flight in­to La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Kathryn

In That It Sucks for All Eter­ni­ty

Girl #1, in line for movie: This line is so long. Maybe we should go see an­oth­er movie and come back and get our phones af­ter.
Girl #2: That’s not a bad idea. What could we see?
Girl #1: I would to­tal­ly see Twi­light again.
Girl #2: I did­n’t see it the first time you guys went.
Girl #1: Oh my god! You would love it! Did you like De­gras­si?
Girl #2: Of course! That show is awe­some.
Girl #1: Well Twi­light is like De­gras­si but with vam­pires. It’s awe­some!

–Loews Lin­coln Cen­ter The­ater

Over­heard by: Suf­fer­ing in si­lence

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, Two by Two

Woman: … But then if the lla­ma gets too suc­cess­ful…

–3rd & 7th, Park Slope

Over­heard by: Nick Draven

Eight-year-old: Mom, is that the AIDS mon­key?

–Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al Sci­ence

Pro­fes­sor: You can write it any­where. You can write it on a pa­per nap­kin. You can write it on the side of a cow.

–New York Uni­ver­si­ty School of Law

Over­heard by: Eve

Dad to tod­dler son: See, if we buy the kit­ten then we’ll have to throw you out.

–82nd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: with a K

Chick on cell: You’re in­gest­ing a lla­ma?!

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Pro­fes­sor: She’s such a sa­cred an­droid cow.

–NYU

Over­heard by: he was talk­ing about meryl

Art stu­dent: You know how cows chew their food and keep it and chew it again? I can do that. I can eat a pop tart, like, four times.

–SVA Mez­za­nine

Over­heard by: Walk­ing by

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Say a Mouth­ful

Loud woman on cell: I suck your dick and we can’t be Face­book friends?

–20th St & 6th Ave

Guy to bud­dies in the pass­ing Sky­fari car: Yo, that build­ing over there… That’s the build­ing where I got that $5 blowjob.

–Sky­fari, Bronx Zoo

Over­heard by: Ste­fan Yonker

Young man, dis­mis­sive­ly: I could fuck­ing suck cocks for a liv­ing, it does­n’t mat­ter!

–St. Mark’s Place & 2nd Ave

Mid­dle school­er, wrestling in Aids memo­r­i­al: Ooops, I sucked your dick!

–Hud­son Riv­er Park

Over­heard by: Ni­na & Phil

Mid­dle-school girl to moth­er: My e‑mail pass­word is “blowjob”.

–L Train