Archive for 2018

Wednesday Vaginers

Girl on train: You know sometimes when you feel like your vaginal walls are collapsing in on themselves?

–LaGuardia High School

Black man to blacker friend: Damn, I done lost plenty a bruthas to the street. But I ain't never lost none to the pussy.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Missalicious

20-something elegant girl on BlackBerry: No, I *don't* need you in my vagina. But thanks.

–23rd & 8th

Office-clad lady to another: I felt like my vagina ran from my belly button to the base of my spine!

–Ave A & 3rd

Overheard by: While on hold with 311

30-something female to friend: Unless she has a head crowning from her cooch, you shouldn't ask that.

–12th St & Ave A

Woman on cell: Pussy is pussy! It don't matter nigga! (pause] Oh, dammit. Dammit. Oh, dammit. I missed my fucking stop!

–M3 Bus, Upper East Side

Overheard by: Desiree

Wednesday One-Liners Join the Jet Set

Intercom voice: If you heard your name, or something that sounds like it could be your name, please board your plane. It is leaving!

–AirTran gates, LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: Sebastian White

Security official: Okay, people, have your boarding passes out! If you don’t have your boarding passes out, I’m sending you to Amtrak!

–Security screening line, LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: Beth T

Pilot, on crowded runway: Welcome to the parking lot known as LaGuardia Airport.

–LaGuardia Tarmac

Pilot: The mist you are seeing is caused by a difference in temperature. The temperature outside is different from the temperature inside. Once we close the door and prepare for take-off, the mist will disappear, which will make us very sad because we like mist.

–Jetblue flight into New York

Overheard by: Denise

Pilot: Good afternoon, passengers. We are about to make our final descent into John F. Kennedy International Airport, so buckle your seatbelts and hold on tight.

–Flight into JFK

Overheard by: frequent flyer

Sassy flight attendant: In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will be released from the overhead above your seat. After the screaming subsides, please place the oxygen mask around your nose and mouth. If you are traveling with a child or an adult who is acting like a child, place your mask on first before attempting to help put theirs on.

–Flight out of LaGuardia

Overheard by: Ronnie F

Flight attendant: …and for those of you who wish to smoke, quit! And if you want to smoke inside, you came to the wrong state.

–Spirit Air flight into LaGuardia

Overheard by: Kathryn

Dude, Are You Calling from a Pay Phone?

Man on pay phone, screaming at the top of his lungs: I didn't fucking do anything wrong, you fucking goddamn bitch! (pauses as people back away) You fucking stupid fucking cunt! (frothing) I didn't fucking do anything wrong!

–Atlantic Ave

In That It Sucks for All Eternity

Girl #1, in line for movie: This line is so long. Maybe we should go see another movie and come back and get our phones after.
Girl #2: That's not a bad idea. What could we see?
Girl #1: I would totally see Twilight again.
Girl #2: I didn't see it the first time you guys went.
Girl #1: Oh my god! You would love it! Did you like Degrassi?
Girl #2: Of course! That show is awesome.
Girl #1: Well Twilight is like Degrassi but with vampires. It's awesome!

–Loews Lincoln Center Theater

Overheard by: Suffering in silence

Wednesday One-Liners, Two by Two

Woman: … But then if the llama gets too successful…

–3rd & 7th, Park Slope

Overheard by: Nick Draven

Eight-year-old: Mom, is that the AIDS monkey?

–Museum of Natural Science

Professor: You can write it anywhere. You can write it on a paper napkin. You can write it on the side of a cow.

–New York University School of Law

Overheard by: Eve

Dad to toddler son: See, if we buy the kitten then we’ll have to throw you out.

–82nd & Broadway

Overheard by: with a K

Chick on cell: You’re ingesting a llama?!

–Columbus Circle

Professor: She’s such a sacred android cow.

–NYU

Overheard by: he was talking about meryl

Art student: You know how cows chew their food and keep it and chew it again? I can do that. I can eat a pop tart, like, four times.

–SVA Mezzanine

Overheard by: Walking by

Wednesday One-Liners Say a Mouthful

Loud woman on cell: I suck your dick and we can't be Facebook friends?

–20th St & 6th Ave

Guy to buddies in the passing Skyfari car: Yo, that building over there… That's the building where I got that $5 blowjob.

–Skyfari, Bronx Zoo

Overheard by: Stefan Yonker

Young man, dismissively: I could fucking suck cocks for a living, it doesn't matter!

–St. Mark's Place & 2nd Ave

Middle schooler, wrestling in Aids memorial: Ooops, I sucked your dick!

–Hudson River Park

Overheard by: Nina & Phil

Middle-school girl to mother: My e-mail password is "blowjob".

–L Train