Short girl #1: So after my mom met my boyfriend she was all, “He seems a lot more interesting than you.“
Short girl #2: Well, obviously. That’s just our fruit to bear.
–NYU Alumni Hall Elevator
Overheard by: Philouza
Archive for 2018
What Brand, Damn It, What Brand?
Girl to friend: I can’t decide which brand of shampoo and conditioner I want this time.
Random shopper, pointing to bottle: Get this kind. It made my pubes soft and wispy.
–CVS Pharmacy, Union Square
Overheard by: hoken chong
Conversing with My Personal Sensei
Bookstore girl to six-year-old in suit: Hey little boy, are you lost? Where is your nanny?
Six-year-old: I don’t know, but I see my driver outside!
–Bookstore, Upper East Side
Overheard by: AlphaNYC
Wednesday Vaginers
Girl on train: You know sometimes when you feel like your vaginal walls are collapsing in on themselves?
–LaGuardia High School
Black man to blacker friend: Damn, I done lost plenty a bruthas to the street. But I ain’t never lost none to the pussy.
–Harlem
Overheard by: Missalicious
20-something elegant girl on BlackBerry: No, I *don’t* need you in my vagina. But thanks.
–23rd & 8th
Office-clad lady to another: I felt like my vagina ran from my belly button to the base of my spine!
–Ave A & 3rd
Overheard by: While on hold with 311
30-something female to friend: Unless she has a head crowning from her cooch, you shouldn’t ask that.
–12th St & Ave A
Woman on cell: Pussy is pussy! It don’t matter nigga! (pause] Oh, dammit. Dammit. Oh, dammit. I missed my fucking stop!
–M3 Bus, Upper East Side
Overheard by: Desiree
Happy Dead Jesus Day!
Chick #1: You’ve got Good Friday off too?
Chick #2: Yeah, it’s Good Friday.
Chick #1: Man, New York is such a lazy city.
–Bleecker St. between 6th & 7th
Wednesday One-Liners Join the Jet Set
Intercom voice: If you heard your name, or something that sounds like it could be your name, please board your plane. It is leaving!
–AirTran gates, LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Sebastian White
Security official: Okay, people, have your boarding passes out! If you don’t have your boarding passes out, I’m sending you to Amtrak!
–Security screening line, LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Beth T
Pilot, on crowded runway: Welcome to the parking lot known as LaGuardia Airport.
–LaGuardia Tarmac
Pilot: The mist you are seeing is caused by a difference in temperature. The temperature outside is different from the temperature inside. Once we close the door and prepare for take-off, the mist will disappear, which will make us very sad because we like mist.
–Jetblue flight into New York
Overheard by: Denise
Pilot: Good afternoon, passengers. We are about to make our final descent into John F. Kennedy International Airport, so buckle your seatbelts and hold on tight.
–Flight into JFK
Overheard by: frequent flyer
Sassy flight attendant: In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will be released from the overhead above your seat. After the screaming subsides, please place the oxygen mask around your nose and mouth. If you are traveling with a child or an adult who is acting like a child, place your mask on first before attempting to help put theirs on.
–Flight out of LaGuardia
Overheard by: Ronnie F
Flight attendant: …and for those of you who wish to smoke, quit! And if you want to smoke inside, you came to the wrong state.
–Spirit Air flight into LaGuardia
Overheard by: Kathryn
In That It Sucks for All Eternity
Girl #1, in line for movie: This line is so long. Maybe we should go see another movie and come back and get our phones after.
Girl #2: That’s not a bad idea. What could we see?
Girl #1: I would totally see Twilight again.
Girl #2: I didn’t see it the first time you guys went.
Girl #1: Oh my god! You would love it! Did you like Degrassi?
Girl #2: Of course! That show is awesome.
Girl #1: Well Twilight is like Degrassi but with vampires. It’s awesome!
–Loews Lincoln Center Theater
Overheard by: Suffering in silence
Wednesday One-Liners, Two by Two
Woman: … But then if the llama gets too successful…
–3rd & 7th, Park Slope
Overheard by: Nick Draven
Eight-year-old: Mom, is that the AIDS monkey?
–Museum of Natural Science
Professor: You can write it anywhere. You can write it on a paper napkin. You can write it on the side of a cow.
–New York University School of Law
Overheard by: Eve
Dad to toddler son: See, if we buy the kitten then we’ll have to throw you out.
–82nd & Broadway
Overheard by: with a K
Chick on cell: You’re ingesting a llama?!
–Columbus Circle
Professor: She’s such a sacred android cow.
–NYU
Overheard by: he was talking about meryl
Art student: You know how cows chew their food and keep it and chew it again? I can do that. I can eat a pop tart, like, four times.
–SVA Mezzanine
Overheard by: Walking by
Wednesday One-Liners Say a Mouthful
Loud woman on cell: I suck your dick and we can’t be Facebook friends?
–20th St & 6th Ave
Guy to buddies in the passing Skyfari car: Yo, that building over there… That’s the building where I got that $5 blowjob.
–Skyfari, Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: Stefan Yonker
Young man, dismissively: I could fucking suck cocks for a living, it doesn’t matter!
–St. Mark’s Place & 2nd Ave
Middle schooler, wrestling in Aids memorial: Ooops, I sucked your dick!
–Hudson River Park
Overheard by: Nina & Phil
Middle-school girl to mother: My e‑mail password is “blowjob”.
–L Train
Sometimes “Rim Job” Headlines Just Write Themselves
Preppy guy: What’s that stuff around the rim of your martini glass?
Trendy girl: Uh…I dunno, it looks like cum.
Preppy guy: Uh… can I get a lick?
–Restaurant, St. Mark’s Place
Overheard by: Eliza
