Professor guy: What was the number one cause of death for pioneer women in the 1800s?
Chick: Beauty.
–Touro College Women’s Division, Lexington Avenue
Archive for 2018
I Save That Kind Of Talk for Our Appointments with Mistress Stephanie
[A couple are looking in the mirror.]Man: Why don’t you ever say anything when my glasses are all wonky?
Woman: Say anything?
Man: Yeah, like you wonky cunt.
–Bloomingdale’s, 3rd Ave
Well This Is a Vegan Charity!
Sidewalk solicitor, eagerly carrying clipboard: Would you please help the…
Pitch target: No spam! (walks away briskly, not looking back)
–7th Ave
Wednesday One-Liners Better Not End Up on the Internet
30-something on cell: Mom, he came over and took a picture of my toilet!
–Spring & Greene
20-something chick: First of all, who poses bare-ass naked on a car in a Wal-Mart parking lot? Secondly, who bleaches their asshole? Third, who takes a picture of it and e‑mails it to all their friends?!
–113th, between Broadway & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ladle
Queer: He photographs really poorly. That’s a big problem for me…
–Starbucks, Washington Square
Overheard by: jess
Woman to friend: You know, just because I work with her doesn’t mean I have to look at photos of her placenta.
–34th & 3rd
Overheard by: X. L. Percy
No, that’s New York Minute
Girl #1: Isn’t that the Princess Bride?
Girl #2: No, that’s Frankenstein.
Girl #3: That’s not Frankenstein, that’s his wife.
Girl #1: Then who’s the Princess Bride?
Girl #2: Isn’t that the one with the skeletons?
–Ray’s Pizza, St. Mark’s & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: someone who knows there were no skeletons in that one
Wednesday One-Liners Just Have Allergies
College girl to friend: Tonight’s goal is to make out with a cokehead.
–7th St
It Still Beats Unemployment, Though
Girl: My job is terrible.
Guy: Gimme a break, my job is so bad I wanna kill anyone who even looks at me…and half of the people who don’t.
Girl: Okay, you win.
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Dustin
And Idiot Is Not a Protected Class, So Watch Out.
Guy #1: Wow, they indicted five cops in that beating last year in Shenandoah.
Guy #2: Yeah, it was a hate crime.
Guy #1: The victim was gay?
Guy #2: No, dude, he was Mexican.
Guy #1: What? Since when is it a crime to be Mexican?
Guy #2, after pause: Everyone on this train thinks you are a fucking idiot, and I agree with them.
–Uptown 6 Train
Fresh Beer and Stale Arcade Games Kill Time, Not People
Cop #1: Hey fellas, where you coming from?
Driver: We were in Brooklyn, at Barcade.
Cop #1: Oh, yeah, Barcade. I know that place, it fucking sucks.
Cop #2: Hey, driver, pop your trunk.
Cop #1: Hey, come on, he doesn’t need to pop his trunk. These guys ain’t killing nobody.
–9–11 Bomb Checkpoint, Williamsburg Bridge
Overheard by: Michael S
Ooo, Let’s Cast a Spell on Them!
20-something girl in full Luna Lovegood costume waiting to see Harry Potter, pointing to girl with mohawk: Jeez, their are some real weirdos in New York.
Friend, dressed as Snape: Yeah, real creeps.
–Movie Theater, Park Slope
