Archive for 2018

Calista Flockhart Must Feel So Forgotten

Chick #1: Well, no, you look better now, but you were never that skinny, I mean, I never looked at you like “she needs a sandwich”, like…
Chick #2: No, but I haven’t gained any weight, really; my clothes still fit.
Chick #1: But you were never grotesque, like what’s her name.
Chick #2: Nicole Ritchie.
Chick #1: Yeah.

–55th & 8th

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

What What (In the Wednesday One-Liners)

Drunk-looking girl on cell: … And I just received a postcard of butts! Things are looking up!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Ladle

Angry soccer mom: Whoever has his or her hand on my ass, you better be one of my kids.

–Staten Island Ferry

Chick on cell: Ew! Ass striations?

–1 Train

Overheard by: Ladle

College girl: I slept at Steve’s dorm. Needless to say, my ass cleared every surface he had in that room. Twice.

–Downtown B Train

Overheard by: Pola

Tall guy on cell: Listen, if you want a white woman to show you her ass all you gotta do is pull out a camera. They drop their panties in a second, at least that’s what I tell the committee.

–Starbucks, Columbus Circle

Conductor over loudspeaker: Aaaand next stop… Yo’ mama’s ass!

–F Train from Queens

Overheard by: Tina K

Wednesday One-Liners With Lipstick on Their Collars

Wife to husband, walking with their two children: Sole custody? After what you did? I’d like to see you try it. You committed bigamy and had two illegitimate children. Sole custody! 

–96th & 2nd Ave

Guy retelling story to date: And I was like, “dude, I’m not going to fucking high-five you! You tag-teamed my girlfriend!”

–Bar, West Village

Married guy to friend: I can’t believe it, my wife just cockblocked me.

–NYE Party

Man on cell: I’ve been cheating on her for 25 years, the least I can do is take her to Vegas.

–59th & Lexington

Says the Woman Wearing a Leopard-Print Fannypack?

Tourist lady: Where’s the ladies’ room?
Waiter: Top of the stairs on the left.
Tourist lady: I was just up there. It’s not marked for ladies, so I was afraid to use it.
Waiter: It’s a unisex.
Tourist lady: Excuse me?
Waiter: It’s for everyone. Men and women.
Tourist lady: You’re all going to hell. Do you know that?

–Bar 89, Mercer St

Overheard by: Veronica at http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/

When Wednesday Met One-Liner…

Barnard freshman: My standards for an attractive guy have lowered so much since I got here that I’ll now date anyone with a penis-like protrusion.

–Outside Psi U House, 114th & Broadway

Coworker: Relationships are not just rainbows and unicorns and bacon and puppies and sriracha sauce, you know!

–52nd & 6th Ave

Overheard by: simon

Girl to friend: My one and only internet date was a satanist. In the end, it wasn’t so much that he was a satanist, as that he always had to be right.

–Greenpoint, Brooklyn

Girl in bathroom at bar: I hate being in relationships and dating guys! It’s so complicated and pointless… Like when I dissected a frog in bio! Oh, wait… I don’t think I’ve ever dissected a frog, shit! I don’t know what it’s like then, but it sucks!

–Midtown

Ivy league student: No, we have a “grinding is okay” clause in our relationship contract.

–Ave A & 2nd St

Girl to guy: No, you are not going to start swinging tonight. We are on a date!

–Bedford & North 6th

Overheard by: Amanda