Archive for 2018

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Hit the Bot­tle

Woman on train yelling to one who did­n’t make it: I’m still not giv­ing the ba­by back!

–1 train

Over­heard by: ana

Preg­nant teen: Yeah, I smoked weed with her, and the next thing I heard she had a crack ba­by…

–6 train

Over­heard by: Hop­ing her ba­by is­n’t a crack­head…

Hip­ster on cell: So, how’s your ba­by? What? Oh, I heard you got knocked up!

–10th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Evan

Bus dri­ver to an­oth­er: … And I was like, ‘How do you for­get your ba­by on the bus?!’

–As­tor Pl

Over­heard by: El­liott

Woman: Oh my god, I was in the oth­er el­e­va­tor and this la­dy was go­ing in with a crib. I did­n’t know she had a ba­by! So I stepped in front of her and the crib thing… I to­tal­ly was in my own world and did­n’t mean it, but they kicked me out of that el­e­va­tor, so now I’m here.

–Crowd­ed el­e­va­tor, BPC South End Ave

Chick to friend: If she had nev­er abort­ed that ba­by me and him woul­da nev­er got to­geth­er, ’cause I don’t fuck with nig­gas with kids. Fuck that shit.

–L train, Mon­trose Ave stop

Over­heard by: Emi­ly

Cal­ista Flock­hart Must Feel So For­got­ten

Chick #1: Well, no, you look bet­ter now, but you were nev­er that skin­ny, I mean, I nev­er looked at you like “she needs a sand­wich”, like…
Chick #2: No, but I haven’t gained any weight, re­al­ly; my clothes still fit.
Chick #1: But you were nev­er grotesque, like what’s her name.
Chick #2: Nicole Ritchie.
Chick #1: Yeah.

–55th & 8th

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster

And Tech­ni­cal­ly I Think She Out­sources to the Maid

Girl #1: Oh my god! I can’t be­lieve my mom on­ly got a B+ on my his­to­ry pa­per.
Girl #2: Well, I can’t be­lieve your mom does your school­work and writes your pa­pers for you. Don’t you ever feel guilty?
Girl #1: Umm…no. Since she’s, like, pay­ing for my col­lege and stuff, then it’s on­ly fair that she gets to do the work.

–So­Ho

What What (In the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers)

Drunk-look­ing girl on cell: … And I just re­ceived a post­card of butts! Things are look­ing up!

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: La­dle

An­gry soc­cer mom: Who­ev­er has his or her hand on my ass, you bet­ter be one of my kids.

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry

Chick on cell: Ew! Ass stri­a­tions?

–1 Train

Over­heard by: La­dle

Col­lege girl: I slept at Steve’s dorm. Need­less to say, my ass cleared every sur­face he had in that room. Twice.

–Down­town B Train

Over­heard by: Po­la

Tall guy on cell: Lis­ten, if you want a white woman to show you her ass all you got­ta do is pull out a cam­era. They drop their panties in a sec­ond, at least that’s what I tell the com­mit­tee.

–Star­bucks, Colum­bus Cir­cle

Con­duc­tor over loud­speak­er: Aaaand next stop… Yo’ ma­ma’s ass!

–F Train from Queens

Over­heard by: Tina K

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers With Lip­stick on Their Col­lars

Wife to hus­band, walk­ing with their two chil­dren: Sole cus­tody? Af­ter what you did? I’d like to see you try it. You com­mit­ted bigamy and had two il­le­git­i­mate chil­dren. Sole cus­tody!

–96th & 2nd Ave

Guy retelling sto­ry to date: And I was like, “dude, I’m not go­ing to fuck­ing high-five you! You tag-teamed my girl­friend!”

–Bar, West Vil­lage

Mar­ried guy to friend: I can’t be­lieve it, my wife just cock­blocked me.

–NYE Par­ty

Man on cell: I’ve been cheat­ing on her for 25 years, the least I can do is take her to Ve­gas.

–59th & Lex­ing­ton

Says the Woman Wear­ing a Leop­ard-Print Fan­ny­pack?

Tourist la­dy: Where’s the ladies’ room?
Wait­er: Top of the stairs on the left.
Tourist la­dy: I was just up there. It’s not marked for ladies, so I was afraid to use it.
Wait­er: It’s a uni­sex.
Tourist la­dy: Ex­cuse me?
Wait­er: It’s for every­one. Men and women.
Tourist la­dy: You’re all go­ing to hell. Do you know that?

–Bar 89, Mer­cer St

Over­heard by: Veron­i­ca at http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/