Archive for 2018

So We Have an Al­i­bi

Irish guy: Yeah, I’m a hun­dred per­cent Irish. I just got back from Ire­land this sum­mer.
Black chick: Oh, you’re Irish? I’m part Irish.
Irish guy, skep­ti­cal: Re­al­ly?
Black chick: No, se­ri­ous­ly. An Irish slave mas­ter raped my great, great grand­moth­er.
Irish guy: Well, my fam­i­ly got here in 1909.

–Ulysses’ Bar

Wednes­days Feel Vir­tu­ous When They Don’t Eat One-Lin­ers

Weird hobo: Ladies and gen­tle­man, I am a dis­abled Viet­nam vet. I’m ask­ing help from all of you so I don’t wind up on the streets. While in Viet­nam, I was ex­posed to Agent Or­ange, which caused me my disability–I be­came a veg­e­tar­i­an.

–Down­town 3 Train

Over­heard by: An Amused For­mer Veg­e­tar­i­an

Ag­ing hip­pie to woman spout­ing PE­TA pro­pa­gan­da: I’ve been a ve­g­an for 30 years. You’re em­bar­rass­ing me. Why do you do that?

–F Train

Over­heard by: AeC

Guy: Yo, I’m veg­e­tar­i­an now, I don’t eat no meat, but man I love that chick­en. That chick­en just keeps comin’ back to me!

–Man­na’s

Over­heard by: eating­in­harlem

Crazy-look­ing woman on bench: Oh my gosh, I was to­tal­ly a veg­e­tar­i­an yes­ter­day. Like lit­er­al­ly, I ate no meat.

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Meat Eater

Clue­less 20-some­thing fe­male: Do you have an­oth­er menu? I’m a ve­g­an.

–Broth­er Jim­my’s BBQ, 31st St

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Toot Their Own Horns

Guy on cell: Gui­tars… gui­tarists, gui­tarists… drum­mers, yeah, any mu­si­cians… Girls, yeah! Girls!

–Prospect Heights

Suave Eu­ro­pean guy: I am play­ing the pi­ano and the flute. At the same time. It’s a metaphor.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Li­brar­i­an­ish-look­ing woman: He asked me if I want­ed to blow his tu­ba, and I said, “sure!”. It was amaz­ing­ly hard­er than I thought it would be. And, he’s bring­ing his or­gan to­mor­row so I can play with it.

–Bat­tery Park Star­bucks

30-some­thing woman: My con­sul­tant was telling me I should try not to sound elit­ist. But that’s re­al­ly hard for me. I mean, I have two mas­ter’s de­grees and I play the vi­o­lin.

–14th St & 1st Ave

Body­builder on cell: I’m think­ing a harp­si­chord, a wig, and a whole lot­ta tal­cum pow­der.

–Chi­na­town Bus

Blonde high school girl: Grind­ing is as prac­ti­cal as play­ing the harp­si­chord was for Jane Austen.

–Up­per East Side

I Guess Skoal Does­n’t Count

A kid is try­ing to get bub­blegum off his face.

Kid #1: Yo, you know you can use an ice cube to get that off.
Kid #2: Where the fuck am I sup­posed to get an ice cube now? Be­sides, how’s that gonna help?
Kid #1: Dum­b­ass. When the gum is cold it’s not sticky any­more. Haven’t you ever chewed gum in the show­er?

–Up­town 6 train

Over­heard by: Bert