Cashier, looking at driver's license: Oh, you're an organ donor?
Lady: Yes…
Cashier: Did it hurt?!
–Target
Archive for 2018
A Necessary Condition for Entering Adult Life
Student, indicating lab equipment: Is this broken?
Russian professor: No. Nothing is broken, except my heart.
–Physics lab, City College of New York
Overheard by: Yehuda
But He's All, “I'm Gay, Mom.”
Lady who lunches #1: This is his first marriage, he should enjoy it while it lasts. They aren't all gonna be this new.
Lady who lunches #2: True, true…
–Monkey Bar, E 54th St
Overheard by: Jenn-O
Probably Why Adam Sandler’s Career Is in a Freefall
20-something dude #1: Dude, did you just fart?
20-something dude #2: Shit, that stinks.
20-something dude #1: It smells like a turd wrapped in burnt hair!
20-something dude #2: It smells like Bigfoot’s dick!
20-something dude #1: It smells like the inside of a prosthetic leg!
[Five minutes of same.]20-something chick, exasperated: You know, this isn’t funny anymore!
–Metro-North Train to Poughkeepsie
Overheard by: Jenni
The Extra Dollar Is for the Convenience of Being Able to Wrap Gifts Right Here on the J Train
Older boy: We are selling wrapping paper to raise money for our trip. You can buy a roll for two bucks.
Younger boy: But you can go to the store and buy that paper for one dollar.
Older boy: Why you hatin’?! Why you hatin’?!
–42nd & 6th
Overheard by: John B
Wednesday One-Liners Tend to Ramble On
Old man at the bar: Everyday that I wake up and see that my name isn’t in the obituaries is a good day.
–Cafe des Artistes Bar
Older woman, to friend: Then we’re going to have to do the suntan lotion thing, and that’s going to be a nightmare.
–Grand Central Station
Overheard by: EthanK
Pre-teen boy, to friend: Yo, man, there’s a lot of old people on this train. I bet they’re all wishing they were our age again. Suckers!
–N Train
Overheard by: Hannah
Old lady, to man playing steel drums as she dances along to the music: Shalom! That was awesome, my man!
–1 Train
Overheard by: Courtney Messer
Elderly woman to elderly friends: So then Andy comes down in his bikini, and of course all the old women go crazy…
–56th & 1st Ave
Old lady looking into fancy cafe: Another shithole!
–74th near Broadway
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Old lady: Geraldine, do you want to come up later and play… With my wireless router!
–Clark & Herny
Overheard by: Lacy
Canadia: *Sniff*
Mom: You wanna play with my iPod? I put your favorite Bieber songs on there.
Three-year-old: He not my favorite anymore.
Mom: He's not? How come?
Three-year-old: Mommy, he's just a white boy from Canada.
–Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: not a belieber
Tonight's Movie: The Last Homorai
Black bag lady: Oh, look, I like this samurai boy here…
Attractive Asian man, passing: Ah, thank you for getting the cultural reference right!
Black bag lady: You married?
Attractive Asian man, walking away: No, I'm gay!
–Long Island City
We Checked, It’s Real. Ick.
Brunette using computer: Have you ever posed naked?
Blonde: Yeah, my ex-boyfriend posted a video of me on the net.
Brunette: Really? What’s the URL?
Blonde: Animal boinks dot com*.
Brunette, finding site: Now what?
Blonde: Click ‘Tami*.’
Brunette: Oh my god! Is that you?
Blonde: Yeah.
Brunette: You’re fucking a dog!
Blonde: My ex-boyfriend begged me for months to do that.
Brunette: I like man dick. I even like pussy… How could you fuck a dog, you sick bitch?
Blonde: Fuck you! At least I’m not a lesbian!
Brunette: At least I stick to my own species!
Blonde: Dyke!
Brunette: Sick bitch! You fuck pigs and horses, too?
Blonde: No, just dogs. It was my ex-boyfriend’s idea. And at least I’m not a lesbian.
Brunette: At least I’m not on the net with a pooch eating my cooch!
Chinese nerd-boy at next computer: This is the best conversation I ever heard in my life!
–Internet café, Mott St, Chinatown
Overheard by: Big Larry
Six Wednesday One-Liners Under
Girl on phone: Did he actually try to kill you, or is this like the time at the supermarket when you thought the cashier was coming onto you because he touched your hand giving you change?
–Time Square
HR person: I don't want to whack her until I have to. But I probably will.
–Broadway
Little boy to mom: Mommy, what does it feel like to die?
–7th & Carroll, Park Slope
Well-dressed man on cell: I know, we need to make sure that none of them live.
–8th St & Broadway
Seven-year-old girl to mom, after being scolded: I'm going to kill you.
–4 Train
Long Island woman: Well, sure, it's a great place if you want to be raped and murdered every day.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Cori