Archive for 2018

Prob­a­bly Why Adam San­dler’s Ca­reer Is in a Freefall

20-some­thing dude #1: Dude, did you just fart?
20-some­thing dude #2: Shit, that stinks.
20-some­thing dude #1: It smells like a turd wrapped in burnt hair!
20-some­thing dude #2: It smells like Big­foot’s dick!
20-some­thing dude #1: It smells like the in­side of a pros­thet­ic leg!
[Five min­utes of same.]20-something chick, ex­as­per­at­ed: You know, this is­n’t fun­ny any­more!

–Metro-North Train to Pough­keep­sie

Over­heard by: Jen­ni

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Tend to Ram­ble On

Old man at the bar: Every­day that I wake up and see that my name is­n’t in the obit­u­ar­ies is a good day.

–Cafe des Artistes Bar

Old­er woman, to friend: Then we’re go­ing to have to do the sun­tan lo­tion thing, and that’s go­ing to be a night­mare.

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

Over­heard by: EthanK

Pre-teen boy, to friend: Yo, man, there’s a lot of old peo­ple on this train. I bet they’re all wish­ing they were our age again. Suck­ers!

–N Train

Over­heard by: Han­nah

Old la­dy, to man play­ing steel drums as she dances along to the mu­sic: Shalom! That was awe­some, my man!

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Court­ney Mess­er

El­der­ly woman to el­der­ly friends: So then Andy comes down in his biki­ni, and of course all the old women go crazy…

–56th & 1st Ave

Old la­dy look­ing in­to fan­cy cafe: An­oth­er shit­hole!

–74th near Broad­way

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

Old la­dy: Geral­dine, do you want to come up lat­er and play… With my wire­less router!

–Clark & Herny

Over­heard by: Lacy

Cana­dia: *Sniff*

Mom: You wan­na play with my iPod? I put your fa­vorite Bieber songs on there.
Three-year-old: He not my fa­vorite any­more.
Mom: He’s not? How come?
Three-year-old: Mom­my, he’s just a white boy from Cana­da.

–Up­town 1 Train

Over­heard by: not a be­lieber

We Checked, It’s Re­al. Ick.

Brunette us­ing com­put­er: Have you ever posed naked?
Blonde: Yeah, my ex-boyfriend post­ed a video of me on the net.
Brunette: Re­al­ly? What’s the URL?
Blonde: An­i­mal boinks dot com*.
Brunette, find­ing site: Now what?
Blonde: Click ‘Ta­mi*.‘
Brunette: Oh my god! Is that you?
Blonde: Yeah.
Brunette: You’re fuck­ing a dog!
Blonde: My ex-boyfriend begged me for months to do that.
Brunette: I like man dick. I even like pussy… How could you fuck a dog, you sick bitch?
Blonde: Fuck you! At least I’m not a les­bian!
Brunette: At least I stick to my own species!
Blonde: Dyke!
Brunette: Sick bitch! You fuck pigs and hors­es, too?
Blonde: No, just dogs. It was my ex-boyfriend’s idea. And at least I’m not a les­bian.
Brunette: At least I’m not on the net with a pooch eat­ing my cooch!
Chi­nese nerd-boy at next com­put­er: This is the best con­ver­sa­tion I ever heard in my life!

–In­ter­net café, Mott St, Chi­na­town

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

Six Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Un­der

Girl on phone: Did he ac­tu­al­ly try to kill you, or is this like the time at the su­per­mar­ket when you thought the cashier was com­ing on­to you be­cause he touched your hand giv­ing you change?

–Time Square

HR per­son: I don’t want to whack her un­til I have to. But I prob­a­bly will.

–Broad­way

Lit­tle boy to mom: Mom­my, what does it feel like to die?

–7th & Car­roll, Park Slope

Well-dressed man on cell: I know, we need to make sure that none of them live.

–8th St & Broad­way

Sev­en-year-old girl to mom, af­ter be­ing scold­ed: I’m go­ing to kill you.

–4 Train

Long Is­land woman: Well, sure, it’s a great place if you want to be raped and mur­dered every day.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Cori

As­sum­ing You En­joyed Any of That

Teen girl #1: How many guys have you slept with?
Teen girl #2: Let’s see… There was the rape — ha­ha, re­mem­ber that? I don’t count him. Then there were the two guys I had butt sex with. Let’s not count that ei­ther. I’d say about nine? I can’t re­mem­ber the ex­act num­ber.
Teen girl #1: Oh, you’re fine, then.

–Grand Cen­tral

Over­heard by: Claire