Student, indicating lab equipment: Is this broken?
Russian professor: No. Nothing is broken, except my heart.
–Physics lab, City College of New York
Overheard by: Yehuda
Archive for 2018
But He’s All, “I’m Gay, Mom.”
Lady who lunches #1: This is his first marriage, he should enjoy it while it lasts. They aren’t all gonna be this new.
Lady who lunches #2: True, true…
–Monkey Bar, E 54th St
Overheard by: Jenn‑O
Probably Why Adam Sandler’s Career Is in a Freefall
20-something dude #1: Dude, did you just fart?
20-something dude #2: Shit, that stinks.
20-something dude #1: It smells like a turd wrapped in burnt hair!
20-something dude #2: It smells like Bigfoot’s dick!
20-something dude #1: It smells like the inside of a prosthetic leg!
[Five minutes of same.]20-something chick, exasperated: You know, this isn’t funny anymore!
–Metro-North Train to Poughkeepsie
Overheard by: Jenni
Canadia: *Sniff*
Mom: You wanna play with my iPod? I put your favorite Bieber songs on there.
Three-year-old: He not my favorite anymore.
Mom: He’s not? How come?
Three-year-old: Mommy, he’s just a white boy from Canada.
–Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: not a belieber
Tonight’s Movie: The Last Homorai
Black bag lady: Oh, look, I like this samurai boy here…
Attractive Asian man, passing: Ah, thank you for getting the cultural reference right!
Black bag lady: You married?
Attractive Asian man, walking away: No, I’m gay!
–Long Island City
We Checked, It’s Real. Ick.
Brunette using computer: Have you ever posed naked?
Blonde: Yeah, my ex-boyfriend posted a video of me on the net.
Brunette: Really? What’s the URL?
Blonde: Animal boinks dot com*.
Brunette, finding site: Now what?
Blonde: Click ‘Tami*.‘
Brunette: Oh my god! Is that you?
Blonde: Yeah.
Brunette: You’re fucking a dog!
Blonde: My ex-boyfriend begged me for months to do that.
Brunette: I like man dick. I even like pussy… How could you fuck a dog, you sick bitch?
Blonde: Fuck you! At least I’m not a lesbian!
Brunette: At least I stick to my own species!
Blonde: Dyke!
Brunette: Sick bitch! You fuck pigs and horses, too?
Blonde: No, just dogs. It was my ex-boyfriend’s idea. And at least I’m not a lesbian.
Brunette: At least I’m not on the net with a pooch eating my cooch!
Chinese nerd-boy at next computer: This is the best conversation I ever heard in my life!
–Internet café, Mott St, Chinatown
Overheard by: Big Larry
Six Wednesday One-Liners Under
Girl on phone: Did he actually try to kill you, or is this like the time at the supermarket when you thought the cashier was coming onto you because he touched your hand giving you change?
–Time Square
HR person: I don’t want to whack her until I have to. But I probably will.
–Broadway
Little boy to mom: Mommy, what does it feel like to die?
–7th & Carroll, Park Slope
Well-dressed man on cell: I know, we need to make sure that none of them live.
–8th St & Broadway
Seven-year-old girl to mom, after being scolded: I’m going to kill you.
–4 Train
Long Island woman: Well, sure, it’s a great place if you want to be raped and murdered every day.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Cori
Assuming You Enjoyed Any of That
Teen girl #1: How many guys have you slept with?
Teen girl #2: Let’s see… There was the rape — haha, remember that? I don’t count him. Then there were the two guys I had butt sex with. Let’s not count that either. I’d say about nine? I can’t remember the exact number.
Teen girl #1: Oh, you’re fine, then.
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Claire
Once You Go Asshole, You Never Go Back
Passing black man, to white woman: Yo, sis. You so beautiful.
White woman turns away.
Black man: That’s a compliment. From a black man! To a white girl with no ass!
–106th & Broadway
Overheard by: inge
But I’ve Viewed Her Facebook Profile Over 100 Times
Guy #1: I think I might be in love with her.
Guy #2: Really?
Guy #1: It’s just I don’t know if she loves me,
Guy #2: What’d she say?
Guy #1: Oh, I haven’t spoken to her yet.
–82nd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Hadley
