Archive for 2018

The Stu­dent Has Be­come the Mas­ter

Eng­lish teacher: We need nine groups. How many peo­ple are in there in this class? 26. So that’s nine groups with… Nine times three is 36. Times two is 18. Eight times four is 32. Times three is 24. So eight groups of three with one group of two. Count off. Okay, ones over there, twos over there, threes over there, fours over there, fives… Oh. Guys, why did­n’t you catch this? I’m an Eng­lish teacher for a rea­son!
Stu­dent #1: Why don’t you just group them in threes, like first set of three there…
Teacher: No, I want­ed to mix you guys up. Al­right, start­ing over, one to eight.
Stu­dent #1: One.
Stu­dent #2: Two.
Stu­dent #3: Three.
Stu­dent #4: One.

–Gold­stein High School, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Ilysse Weisen­feld

Wars­day One-Lin­ers

Mid­dle aged la­dy on cell: I don’t care if he brings you flow­ers every day, you just need to re­mem­ber what those bas­tards did to us dur­ing the war!

–Post Of­fice

30-some­thing drunk man: Need a seat here! Any of you non-vet­er­ans want to give me a seat? I’ve got 300 con­firmed kills at over 1,000 yards. (pause). Well, over 1,000 feet any­way.

–Up­town A Train

Short Jew­ish la­dy: Things were much bet­ter when there were harems full of women, and the men went off. To war! I think that was a much bet­ter sys­tem.

–6th St & Christo­pher

Over­heard by: Hunter Frey­er

Street ven­dor sell­ing knock-off hand­bags and sun­glass­es: Yeah, but in the mil­i­tary you can sur­vive for weeks in Alas­ka… Naked!

–56th St & 3rd Ave

Eww, Wednes­day One-Lin­erss!

Woman on cell: So he gave me this huge body hug…and he was cov­ered in vase­line!

–34th St

Over­heard by: Fish­wives

JAP: Oh my god, I just sneezed, like, all over that girl!

–Up­town 6 train

Over­heard by: that girl

Guys walk­ing: I’ve got the most dis­gust­ing couch in the world.

–Cof­fee Shopp, Union Square

San­i­ta­tion man sort­ing through garbage: Hey Vin­nie, wan­na half hero?

–67th St

Man on cell: She was shmear­ing neosporin all over the place.

–Christo­pher and 7th Ave

Woman: I must say, I’ve eat­en a lot of things off the floor to­day.

–Park Slope

Drunk girl: Se­ri­ous­ly, is this what it’s come to? My stom­ach fat cov­ers my vagi­na?

–Four Faced Liar, West 4th St

Over­heard by: peb­bles

Man on cell: Well, for the past few days I’ve been cough­ing up phlegm.

–Citarel­la, 3rd Ave and 75th St

Your Ed­i­tors Are Still Con­fused

Pro­fes­sor: Do you guys know about the ho­muncu­lus? I’m get­ting old school!
Stu­dent: Are you talk­ing about the ho­muncu­lus in your brain?
Pro­fes­sor: No, I’m talk­ing about the ho­muncu­lus from mythol­o­gy.
Stu­dent: Oh… Nev­er­mind.

–NYU

We Bring You This Read­er’s Di­gest Mo­ment With Pro­found Re­luc­tance

Bus dri­ver, over loud­speak­er: Okay, who can tell me which of these sen­tences is cor­rect: “the yolks of the eggs *is* white?, or ?the yolks of the eggs *are* white”?
Pas­sen­gers, af­ter some dis­cus­sion: The yolks of the eggs *are* white.
Bus dri­ver: The yolks of the eggs are *yel­low*! Hah! So much for col­lege!
Pas­sen­ger: That’s not a very good “yolk.“
Bus dri­ver: Ah, the yolk is on you!

–M101 Bus

Over­heard by: I was on­ly on this bus b/c the [email protected]#!# M98 nev­er comes