Archive for 2018

The Student Has Become the Master

English teacher: We need nine groups. How many people are in there in this class? 26. So that’s nine groups with… Nine times three is 36. Times two is 18. Eight times four is 32. Times three is 24. So eight groups of three with one group of two. Count off. Okay, ones over there, twos over there, threes over there, fours over there, fives… Oh. Guys, why didn’t you catch this? I’m an English teacher for a reason!
Student #1: Why don’t you just group them in threes, like first set of three there…
Teacher: No, I wanted to mix you guys up. Alright, starting over, one to eight.
Student #1: One.
Student #2: Two.
Student #3: Three.
Student #4: One.

–Goldstein High School, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld

Warsday One-Liners

Middle aged lady on cell: I don't care if he brings you flowers every day, you just need to remember what those bastards did to us during the war!

–Post Office

30-something drunk man: Need a seat here! Any of you non-veterans want to give me a seat? I've got 300 confirmed kills at over 1,000 yards. (pause). Well, over 1,000 feet anyway.

–Uptown A Train

Short Jewish lady: Things were much better when there were harems full of women, and the men went off. To war! I think that was a much better system.

–6th St & Christopher

Overheard by: Hunter Freyer

Street vendor selling knock-off handbags and sunglasses: Yeah, but in the military you can survive for weeks in Alaska… Naked!

–56th St & 3rd Ave

Eww, Wednesday One-Linerss!

Woman on cell: So he gave me this huge body hug…and he was covered in vaseline!

–34th St

Overheard by: Fishwives

JAP: Oh my god, I just sneezed, like, all over that girl!

–Uptown 6 train

Overheard by: that girl

Guys walking: I’ve got the most disgusting couch in the world.

–Coffee Shopp, Union Square

Sanitation man sorting through garbage: Hey Vinnie, wanna half hero?

–67th St

Man on cell: She was shmearing neosporin all over the place.

–Christopher and 7th Ave

Woman: I must say, I’ve eaten a lot of things off the floor today.

–Park Slope

Drunk girl: Seriously, is this what it’s come to? My stomach fat covers my vagina?

–Four Faced Liar, West 4th St

Overheard by: pebbles

Man on cell: Well, for the past few days I’ve been coughing up phlegm.

–Citarella, 3rd Ave and 75th St

Your Editors Are Still Confused

Professor: Do you guys know about the homunculus? I'm getting old school!
Student: Are you talking about the homunculus in your brain?
Professor: No, I'm talking about the homunculus from mythology.
Student: Oh… Nevermind.

–NYU

We Bring You This Reader's Digest Moment With Profound Reluctance

Bus driver, over loudspeaker: Okay, who can tell me which of these sentences is correct: “the yolks of the eggs *is* white?, or ?the yolks of the eggs *are* white”?
Passengers, after some discussion: The yolks of the eggs *are* white.
Bus driver: The yolks of the eggs are *yellow*! Hah! So much for college!
Passenger: That's not a very good “yolk.”
Bus driver: Ah, the yolk is on you!

–M101 Bus

Overheard by: I was only on this bus b/c the [email protected]#!# M98 never comes