Archive for 2018

Mr. Gray Loves Him Some Elegy

Man at coffee cart: I’m huge! I’m getting fat from eating these things!
Man at paper stand, under breath: Eventually you are going to die…

–103rd St & Central Park West

Fecal Coliform Wednesday One-Liners

Boricua: Yo, son, I told you! Birdseed don’t know shit about shit!

–Fordham University

Announcer: The 10:30… Shit, the 11:30 six train to Ronkonkoma is now boarding on track eighteen. Shit…

–LIRR terminal, Penn Station

Eight-year-old girl: Mom, look! Mom, they got a nicer elevator than we do! Shit.

–7th & 2nd

Overheard by: BJ

Girl: Awww, all they have is shit!

–NYU dining hall

Loud woman on phone: So, guess what my 18-month-old daughter learned to say? ‘Oh, shit.’ And guess who she learned it from? Mommy.

–Bergen Beach-bound B3 bus

Overheard by: Robert

What’s Wednesday and One-Liner and Red All Over?

Gay guy to friend: I was like “bitch, either you got regular flow or heavy flow, which one is it?”

–14th St & Broadway

Blonde on cell: Okay, so when does your period start? (pause) Monday? Okay, that’s great!

–High Line

30-something on cell: Ugh. Now my periods are like miscarriages. 

–Bleecker & Bowery

Woman to cashier: You guys don’t got no air on in here? Mmm-mmmmm. Y’all got menopausal women comin’ up in here? Uh-uh.

–Omega Gourmet Deli, 125th St

Overheard by: Alex G.

Brunette to stranger: Don’t stand too close to me, I’m on my period. And it’s the second day, so it’s a really heavy flow. (guy makes disgusted face) Just kidding, I’m pregnant!

–116 St & Broadway

Overheard by: Natalie

Barbara Bush Is So Fucking Self-righteous

Little girl seeing naked cowgirl: Mommy, how come I can see that lady’s boobies?
Mommy: Well, she’s letting everybody know it’s okay to breast feed.

–46th & Broadway

Overheard by: Chadwick Vogel

Headline by: mbobbinson

· “…for Tips” — Melissa
· “And Why Did Daddy Just Walk Into a Pole?” — TJ
· “Her Thong Lets Everyone Know Tips Are Appreciated” — Dangello
· “How Come I Can See Her Vagina?” — Peter Madsen
· “Later, She’ll Ride the Mechanical Bull and Serve Us Milkshakes” — Dawn Elizabeth

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

…I’m Relaxed! I’m Relaxed, Motherfucker!!

Guy on cell: So he finally gets back to me and says I’m obsessing about it and should just relax. Obsessing about it?! I should just relax?! He has the balls to say that I’m obsessing about this?! Do you believe it?! How can he say I’m obsessing about it and should relax?! Obsessing about it! And I should relax! What the fuck does he mean, obsessing about it?

–6th Ave & 14th St

Overheard by: Kevin McCaffrey