Archive for 2018

Wednesday One-Liners Sit around the House

Teen: When I was young and fat I used to dream about scooping out my fat with a teaspoon. I was a deeply disturbed child.

–C train

Hobo: I had a wife! She was 389 pounds and had three stomachs. Now, I know a man never runs from his wife, but after a night with her — call me what you want — but I ran.

–C train

Little girl: All ugly and fat people should be banned from the train.

–4 train

Hipster: Have you ever seen a fat girl in spandex on weed?

–Union Square

Chubby teen chick: Bacon and soda, that’s my fucking bread and butter!

–14th & 1st

Overheard by: Bread and butter, that’s my fucking bread and butter

Fat lady eating pizza: Well, you know, I figured this was just as good as a salad…

–JFK

Overheard by: Wondering

In Chicago, It'd Be “Jason's Camera Got Shot”

Girl #1: So Jason's camera got stolen.
Girl #2: So?
Girl #1: So it sucks because he doesn't have one now and he'll have to buy a new one.
Girl #2: Look, I know you grew up here and all, but you have to remember I grew up in Detroit, things like that don't faze us. Tell me something big, like “Jason got shot”, then maybe I'll listen.

–Chelsea

Did You, Like, Miss a Meeting?

Man in nearly empty train: There’s an unclaimed bag back there on a seat.
Conductor: Huh?
Man: There’s a bag back there that no one is claiming, and I thought you should know.
Conductor: No… I think it must belong to somebody.

–Harlem line, Metro-North

Overheard by: getting off the next stop

The Day Mombolu Changed Professions

Talkative hobo, seeing woman holding papers about Africa: What's up in Africa? You don't look African.
Dignified woman: I used to work in Angola.
Talkative hobo: That's the best kind of job to have, where they pay to send you all over the world. Damn, I bet it costs $2000 to fly to Angola if you were paying for it out of your own pocket.
Dignified woman: Actually, it costs more than that. It's about $4000 to fly to Angola and back from here.
Talkative hobo: Holy shit! $4000 to fly to Angola and back? Do you know how much weed I could buy for $4000? I could sit my ass in the park all day and smoke myself to death! Damn!

–1 Train