Archive for 2018

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Sit around the House

Teen: When I was young and fat I used to dream about scoop­ing out my fat with a tea­spoon. I was a deeply dis­turbed child.

–C train

Hobo: I had a wife! She was 389 pounds and had three stom­achs. Now, I know a man nev­er runs from his wife, but af­ter a night with her — call me what you want — but I ran.

–C train

Lit­tle girl: All ug­ly and fat peo­ple should be banned from the train.

–4 train

Hip­ster: Have you ever seen a fat girl in span­dex on weed?

–Union Square

Chub­by teen chick: Ba­con and so­da, that’s my fuck­ing bread and but­ter!

–14th & 1st

Over­heard by: Bread and but­ter, that’s my fuck­ing bread and but­ter

Fat la­dy eat­ing piz­za: Well, you know, I fig­ured this was just as good as a sal­ad…


Over­heard by: Won­der­ing

In Chica­go, It’d Be “Ja­son’s Cam­era Got Shot”

Girl #1: So Ja­son’s cam­era got stolen.
Girl #2: So?
Girl #1: So it sucks be­cause he does­n’t have one now and he’ll have to buy a new one.
Girl #2: Look, I know you grew up here and all, but you have to re­mem­ber I grew up in De­troit, things like that don’t faze us. Tell me some­thing big, like “Ja­son got shot”, then maybe I’ll lis­ten.


Did You, Like, Miss a Meet­ing?

Man in near­ly emp­ty train: There’s an un­claimed bag back there on a seat.
Con­duc­tor: Huh?
Man: There’s a bag back there that no one is claim­ing, and I thought you should know.
Con­duc­tor: No… I think it must be­long to some­body.

–Harlem line, Metro-North

Over­heard by: get­ting off the next stop

The Day Mom­bolu Changed Pro­fes­sions

Talk­a­tive hobo, see­ing woman hold­ing pa­pers about Africa: What’s up in Africa? You don’t look African.
Dig­ni­fied woman: I used to work in An­go­la.
Talk­a­tive hobo: That’s the best kind of job to have, where they pay to send you all over the world. Damn, I bet it costs $2000 to fly to An­go­la if you were pay­ing for it out of your own pock­et.
Dig­ni­fied woman: Ac­tu­al­ly, it costs more than that. It’s about $4000 to fly to An­go­la and back from here.
Talk­a­tive hobo: Holy shit! $4000 to fly to An­go­la and back? Do you know how much weed I could buy for $4000? I could sit my ass in the park all day and smoke my­self to death! Damn!

–1 Train