Archive for 2018

Our New Pub­lic Ser­vice An­nounce­ment

Guy with lisp to friend: When I have out­breaks, they nev­er have it, so I asked the guy at the gas sta­tion and he just bought a pack for me.
(friend mum­bles some­thing)
Guy with lisp: I have to walk miles to the gas sta­tion to get my her­pes med­ica­tion. My mom does­n’t even know I have her­pes, or that I used to have syphilis! Imag­ine hav­ing poi­son ivy on your knee, and it bursts, and there’s pus. That’s what it’s like. Do you have her­pes?
Friend, stu­pid­ly: Ha-huh. I don’t know.
Guy with lisp: Did you fuck that chick Rachel?
Friend: Ha-huh. Yeah.
Guy with lisp: Did you ride her rough?
Friend: Ha-huh. Yeah.
Guy with lisp, shame­less­ly: You prob­a­bly have her­pes. I gave it to her about a month ago. We should talk more about who I’ve fucked and who I’ve giv­en her­pes to.

–Metro-North Rail

Over­heard by: Fres­ca P.

Drink Up, Wednes­day One-Lin­ers!

Man singing “My Girl”: White girl — talk­ing ’bout whi­i­ite girl! Yeah, you! If I could, I would take you home right now and give you some Kool-Aid!

–2 train

Old guy play­ing chess: I can’t drink or­ange juice any­more. It makes my eyes sweat.

–Bleeck­er & Thomp­son

Over­heard by: fan­cy­pants

Woman on cell: Just drink cran­ber­ry juice. It cures every­thing.

–Star­bucks, As­tor Pl

Over­heard by: Bri­an

Man on cell: I don’t think some­body would put poi­son in milk…

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Six­th­Floor­Girls

Woman on cell: My cab­bie just hand­ed me a can of Coors. What the fuck?

–Harlem

Over­heard by: La­dle

Out­raged eight-year old boy: They did­n’t have any fuck­ing choco­late milk! I was so pissed off!

–76th & West End

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

I’m Thank­ful for My Fam­i­ly

Lit­tle boy: Twain!
Mom: Yeah, yeah, train, Darniel, train. No­body cares!

–Prospect Heights

Over­heard by: Michael Barthel

Moth­er: Did you do these ques­tions or was this the part you copied from the board in class?…What the fuck was that? Speak in ac­tu­al words!
Lit­tle boy: This part was from the board and this part I did.
Moth­er: Don’t fuck­ing lie to me. I’m gonna bust you in the mouth. Why did­n’t you do your home­work?…Did you look at your­self be­fore we left the house? You look like fuck­ing shit!
Lit­tle boy: I’m sor­ry.
Moth­er: Sor­ry look­ing.

–F train

Man on cell: You stu­pid lit­tle bitch!…That’s right I want a bet­ter re­port card next year.

–West 4th Street & 6th Av­enue

Over­heard by: Scott Hoff­man

Teen girl: I’m not al­lowed to go home this week­end ’cause my fa­ther’s hav­ing one of his girl­friends over. He told me, “you’re gonna have to sleep some­where else, be­cause, uh, you know…”

–A train

Lit­tle girl: Mom­my, what’re we get­ting?
Mom­my: Pshh, I don’t know. You bet­ter fig­ure out quick, you’re the one’s got­ta eat.

–Fine Fair, Av­enue C

Over­heard by: Cat­e­chist

Boy: Did you get my Christ­mas list?
Dad: I don’t need your Christ­mas list.
Boy: I want a PSP. A portable Playsta­tion.
Dad: I’m not get­tin’ you video games.
Boy: Then I just want mon­ey.
Dad: You want my mon­ey, I want you to get good grades. Nei­ther of us get what we want, do we?

–6 train

Over­heard by: Chris Mohney

And Be­cause I De­spised You Right Away

Neigh­bor: Do you know how I knew you were from Eng­land?
Hus­band and wife, to­geth­er: Be­cause we were speak­ing Eng­lish?

–Williams­burg

Over­heard by: Niki­ta

Why Some Peo­ple Get Pet Par­rots

Hy­per girl walk­ing down side­walk: I’ve got an un­con­trol­lable urge, I’ve got to tell you all about it! I’ve got an un­con­trol­lable urge, I’ve got to scream and shout it! I say: yeah. (looks ex­pec­tant­ly at se­ri­ous girl next to her)
Se­ri­ous girl, com­plete­ly dead­pan: Yeah.
Hy­per girl: Ye-ah!
Se­ri­ous girl: Ye-ah.
Hy­per girl: I say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Se­ri­ous girl: Yeah?

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Scar­face

Their Brains Have Been Closed for Years.

Dumb girl #1: What does “ajar” mean? Is it like “open” or “close”? I think it means like “open.“
Dumb girl #2: A jar could be closed. Oh, wait, you mean like a door.
Dumb girl #1: I’m look­ing it up. Yep, it means open.

–Hay­den Hall, W 4th St