Archive for 2018

Our New Public Service Announcement

Guy with lisp to friend: When I have outbreaks, they never have it, so I asked the guy at the gas station and he just bought a pack for me.
(friend mumbles something)
Guy with lisp: I have to walk miles to the gas station to get my herpes medication. My mom doesn't even know I have herpes, or that I used to have syphilis! Imagine having poison ivy on your knee, and it bursts, and there's pus. That's what it's like. Do you have herpes?
Friend, stupidly: Ha-huh. I don't know.
Guy with lisp: Did you fuck that chick Rachel?
Friend: Ha-huh. Yeah.
Guy with lisp: Did you ride her rough?
Friend: Ha-huh. Yeah.
Guy with lisp, shamelessly: You probably have herpes. I gave it to her about a month ago. We should talk more about who I've fucked and who I've given herpes to.

–Metro-North Rail

Overheard by: Fresca P.

Drink Up, Wednesday One-Liners!

Man singing "My Girl": White girl — talking ’bout whiiite girl! Yeah, you! If I could, I would take you home right now and give you some Kool-Aid!

–2 train

Old guy playing chess: I can’t drink orange juice anymore. It makes my eyes sweat.

–Bleecker & Thompson

Overheard by: fancypants

Woman on cell: Just drink cranberry juice. It cures everything.

–Starbucks, Astor Pl

Overheard by: Brian

Man on cell: I don’t think somebody would put poison in milk…

–Union Square

Overheard by: SixthFloorGirls

Woman on cell: My cabbie just handed me a can of Coors. What the fuck?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Outraged eight-year old boy: They didn’t have any fucking chocolate milk! I was so pissed off!

–76th & West End

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

I’m Thankful for My Family

Little boy: Twain!
Mom: Yeah, yeah, train, Darniel, train. Nobody cares!

–Prospect Heights

Overheard by: Michael Barthel

Mother: Did you do these questions or was this the part you copied from the board in class?…What the fuck was that? Speak in actual words!
Little boy: This part was from the board and this part I did.
Mother: Don’t fucking lie to me. I’m gonna bust you in the mouth. Why didn’t you do your homework?…Did you look at yourself before we left the house? You look like fucking shit!
Little boy: I’m sorry.
Mother: Sorry looking.

–F train

Man on cell: You stupid little bitch!…That’s right I want a better report card next year.

–West 4th Street & 6th Avenue

Overheard by: Scott Hoffman

Teen girl: I’m not allowed to go home this weekend ’cause my father’s having one of his girlfriends over. He told me, “you’re gonna have to sleep somewhere else, because, uh, you know…”

–A train

Little girl: Mommy, what’re we getting?
Mommy: Pshh, I don’t know. You better figure out quick, you’re the one’s gotta eat.

–Fine Fair, Avenue C

Overheard by: Catechist

Boy: Did you get my Christmas list?
Dad: I don’t need your Christmas list.
Boy: I want a PSP. A portable Playstation.
Dad: I’m not gettin’ you video games.
Boy: Then I just want money.
Dad: You want my money, I want you to get good grades. Neither of us get what we want, do we?

–6 train

Overheard by: Chris Mohney

And Because I Despised You Right Away

Neighbor: Do you know how I knew you were from England?
Husband and wife, together: Because we were speaking English?

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Nikita

Why Some People Get Pet Parrots

Hyper girl walking down sidewalk: I've got an uncontrollable urge, I've got to tell you all about it! I've got an uncontrollable urge, I've got to scream and shout it! I say: yeah. (looks expectantly at serious girl next to her)
Serious girl, completely deadpan: Yeah.
Hyper girl: Ye-ah!
Serious girl: Ye-ah.
Hyper girl: I say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Serious girl: Yeah?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Scarface

Their Brains Have Been Closed for Years.

Dumb girl #1: What does “ajar” mean? Is it like “open” or “close”? I think it means like “open.”
Dumb girl #2: A jar could be closed. Oh, wait, you mean like a door.
Dumb girl #1: I'm looking it up. Yep, it means open.

–Hayden Hall, W 4th St