Loud suit: And she thought it wasn’t organized enough! It was an orphanage in Tanza-fucking-nia!
Suit’s wife, laughing: Where did she think she was, Switzerland?
–5th Ave & 57th St
Archive for 2018
Our New Public Service Announcement
Guy with lisp to friend: When I have outbreaks, they never have it, so I asked the guy at the gas station and he just bought a pack for me.
(friend mumbles something)
Guy with lisp: I have to walk miles to the gas station to get my herpes medication. My mom doesn’t even know I have herpes, or that I used to have syphilis! Imagine having poison ivy on your knee, and it bursts, and there’s pus. That’s what it’s like. Do you have herpes?
Friend, stupidly: Ha-huh. I don’t know.
Guy with lisp: Did you fuck that chick Rachel?
Friend: Ha-huh. Yeah.
Guy with lisp: Did you ride her rough?
Friend: Ha-huh. Yeah.
Guy with lisp, shamelessly: You probably have herpes. I gave it to her about a month ago. We should talk more about who I’ve fucked and who I’ve given herpes to.
–Metro-North Rail
Overheard by: Fresca P.
Classified by Race
Yuppie #1: “I never put my race down on those forms. Why should I be
classified by race?”
Yuppie #2: “I feel the same way about putting my height down on my driver’s
license.”
Drink Up, Wednesday One-Liners!
Man singing “My Girl”: White girl — talking ’bout whiiite girl! Yeah, you! If I could, I would take you home right now and give you some Kool-Aid!
–2 train
Old guy playing chess: I can’t drink orange juice anymore. It makes my eyes sweat.
–Bleecker & Thompson
Overheard by: fancypants
Woman on cell: Just drink cranberry juice. It cures everything.
–Starbucks, Astor Pl
Overheard by: Brian
Man on cell: I don’t think somebody would put poison in milk…
–Union Square
Overheard by: SixthFloorGirls
Woman on cell: My cabbie just handed me a can of Coors. What the fuck?
–Harlem
Overheard by: Ladle
Outraged eight-year old boy: They didn’t have any fucking chocolate milk! I was so pissed off!
–76th & West End
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
And There’s Nothing Worth Stealing in There
During trailer for horror movie where young girl peeks in door of creepy house and says, ‘Hello?’…
Thugette: Why they be goin’ into some abandoned-ass house like that?
Thug: ‘Cause they white.
–Court Street cineplex, Brooklyn
Overheard by: MrStench
I’m Thankful for My Family
Little boy: Twain!
Mom: Yeah, yeah, train, Darniel, train. Nobody cares!
–Prospect Heights
Overheard by: Michael Barthel
Mother: Did you do these questions or was this the part you copied from the board in class?…What the fuck was that? Speak in actual words!
Little boy: This part was from the board and this part I did.
Mother: Don’t fucking lie to me. I’m gonna bust you in the mouth. Why didn’t you do your homework?…Did you look at yourself before we left the house? You look like fucking shit!
Little boy: I’m sorry.
Mother: Sorry looking.
–F train
Man on cell: You stupid little bitch!…That’s right I want a better report card next year.
–West 4th Street & 6th Avenue
Overheard by: Scott Hoffman
Teen girl: I’m not allowed to go home this weekend ’cause my father’s having one of his girlfriends over. He told me, “you’re gonna have to sleep somewhere else, because, uh, you know…”
–A train
Little girl: Mommy, what’re we getting?
Mommy: Pshh, I don’t know. You better figure out quick, you’re the one’s gotta eat.
–Fine Fair, Avenue C
Overheard by: Catechist
Boy: Did you get my Christmas list?
Dad: I don’t need your Christmas list.
Boy: I want a PSP. A portable Playstation.
Dad: I’m not gettin’ you video games.
Boy: Then I just want money.
Dad: You want my money, I want you to get good grades. Neither of us get what we want, do we?
–6 train
Overheard by: Chris Mohney
And Because I Despised You Right Away
Neighbor: Do you know how I knew you were from England?
Husband and wife, together: Because we were speaking English?
–Williamsburg
Overheard by: Nikita
Why Some People Get Pet Parrots
Hyper girl walking down sidewalk: I’ve got an uncontrollable urge, I’ve got to tell you all about it! I’ve got an uncontrollable urge, I’ve got to scream and shout it! I say: yeah. (looks expectantly at serious girl next to her)
Serious girl, completely deadpan: Yeah.
Hyper girl: Ye-ah!
Serious girl: Ye-ah.
Hyper girl: I say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Serious girl: Yeah?
–Union Square
Overheard by: Scarface
Their Brains Have Been Closed for Years.
Dumb girl #1: What does “ajar” mean? Is it like “open” or “close”? I think it means like “open.“
Dumb girl #2: A jar could be closed. Oh, wait, you mean like a door.
Dumb girl #1: I’m looking it up. Yep, it means open.
–Hayden Hall, W 4th St
What War Movies Have These Kids Been Watching?
11-year-old boy #1 playing with toy gun: You fucked my mom in the ass! [Makes shooting noises, then ducks.]11-year-old boy #2, nervous, to perplexed passerby: Uhhh, he wasn’t talking to you…
–10th & 7th, Park Slope
Overheard by: ian
