Archive for 2018

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Here to Fix the Ca­ble

Guy: So, I saw this video on­line of a chick who tied her beef cur­tains in a knot…

–As­tor Pl

Chick: Maybe I should scrap my dis­ser­ta­tion and just write erot­i­ca?

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Wild Dog Boy

Chick: My fa­vorite porn line, and pos­si­bly my fa­vorite movie line ever, is, ‘Suck it, my queen. Suck it.’

–Grand Sichuan, St. Mark’s Pl

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

In­tern to an­oth­er: They do too make gay pornog­ra­phy!

–42nd & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Nico­las Agrait

Cube neigh­bor on phone with friend: So, the first thing she needs to do is throw it out — get rid of all the porn. I mean, she has clos­ets and clos­ets full of it!

–Mid­town

20-some­thing woman on cell: I may be too an­a­lyt­i­cal for erot­i­ca.

–Out­side Cen­tu­ry 21

Over­heard by: McF­reaky

“Free Coun­try” Means You Can Leave, Ba­ba

Old­er Russ­ian woman to younger Russ­ian woman: He was here for sev­en decades and nev­er knew a word of Eng­lish but his wife was a li­ai­son, and they lived on a prop­er­ty in Texas and he wrote his books in Russ­ian, and then when the Berlin wall came down he de­cid­ed to go back to the So­vi­et Union, and be­fore he came back he gave a press con­fer­ence and there was an in­ter­preter and when I heard what he had to say I want­ed to cut his ears off. In­stead of say­ing thank you to the Unit­ed States for the hos­pi­tal­i­ty, for the safe­ty, for be­ing able to write his books in the safe­ty and re­spect, he pro­ceed­ed to crit­i­cize the Unit­ed States. How dare you say some­thing like that? What’s the mat­ter with you? It is a ter­ri­ble thing. So ex­cuzez moi!

–Fete Cafe, 3rd Ave

Let’s Face Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Guy: My eye­lash­es have de­cid­ed to de­clare war against my eyes.

–12th Street & 6th Av­enue

Over­heard by: E. F. Schu­bert

Woman: All I want­ed was some sun­flower seeds and I wound up with my face on a milk car­ton.

–41st & 5th

Over­heard by: re­bec­ca h.

Teen girl on cell: So I fi­nal­ly talked to him and I was like, “Do you have any safe­ty pins?” and he was all, “No!” and then I was like,
“What about all the ones in your face?”

–Red Hook

Over­heard by: lin­da

I Would Shave, Though

Queer hip­ster: Do my labia look too puffy?
JAP: What?
Queer hip­ster: My labia!
JAP: What the hell did you just say? I can’t hear you.
Queer hip­ster: My va-gi-na lips! Do they look too puffy?
JAP: Oh… No, not at all.

–Ben & Jer­ry’s

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Have Tun­nel Vi­sion

Con­duc­tor: The next stop is…155th Street.

–Up­town D train, 170th St

Over­heard by: Jess Mc­Gins

Con­duc­tor, over ra­dio: Hey, Steve, do we have to fill out an un­usu­al oc­cur­rence re­port for be­ing on time?

–Am­trak train out of Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Mike

Con­duc­tor: This is a down­town 4 train mak­ing lo­cal stops. I re­peat, this…Stop look­ing at me like that, nig­ga, or I’ll kill yo’ ass…This is a down­town 4 train mak­ing lo­cal stops…

–Down­town 4 train

Con­duc­tor, over loud­speak­er: Come on! Step on the train. Don’t just look at the doors. Walk on!

–N train

Over­heard by: Lila

Con­duc­ter: This is the back! This is the back of the train! The back, as in not the front!

–NJ Tran­sit train, Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: stu­pid tourist

Con­duc­tor: This is South Or­ange. South Or­ange. South Or­ange. [sound of a group of peo­ple cheer­ing is heard over the speak­er] Hal­lelu­jah! Hal­lelu­jah! This is South Or­ange!

–NJ Tran­sit train from Penn Sta­tion to Dover

Con­duc­tor: We’re be­ing held up by a C train in front of us. If you’re ner­vous or scared, we’ll be mov­ing to our des­ti­na­tion in a mo­ment. No wor­ries!

–Up­town A train

Over­heard by: was­n’t too wor­ried

God, I Love Church Re­treats

Guy #1: So how was your week­end? Did you go on the trip?
Guy #2: It was in­sane man, a re­al pa­gan fes­ti­val.
Guy #1: Re­al­ly?
Guy #2: Yeah, naked girls wor­ship­ing a gi­ant tree. To­tal­ly crazy.
Guy #1: Did you make a love con­nec­tion?
Guy #2: I ac­tu­al­ly made a few love con­nec­tions, if you know what I mean…

–Men’s Room, Hi­ro Ball­room

Over­heard by: Yeah, we know what you mean…