Archive for 2018

Next Stop: Put in Your Place Street

Girl #1: I have an idea, why don’t we keep the doors open so even more people can pack in? Are we close enough yet?
Guy: Yeah. I could start crowd surfing.
Girl #1: It just sucks being squeezed in like this. Especially when you have to get off at the next stop–
Guy: Like you are going to do.
Girl #1: –and people won’t get out of the way. It’s like they don’t understand that you have to get off. This time I’m going to be like, “Bitches, get out of my way!”
Guy: Yeah.
Girl #1: I’m just trying to find one thing about this that doesn’t suck and I’ve got nothing.
Guy: Me either.
Girl #1: This is a nightmare…It’s so annoying to be forced to be so close to so many people in such a small space–
Girl #2: Yeah, it is really annoying, especially when you are forced to hear someone else’s conversation.
Guy: Whoa! What timing.

–L train

Wednesday One-Liners Are Here to Fix the Cable

Guy: So, I saw this video online of a chick who tied her beef curtains in a knot…

–Astor Pl

Chick: Maybe I should scrap my dissertation and just write erotica?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Chick: My favorite porn line, and possibly my favorite movie line ever, is, ‘Suck it, my queen. Suck it.’

–Grand Sichuan, St. Mark’s Pl

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Intern to another: They do too make gay pornography!

–42nd & Madison

Overheard by: Nicolas Agrait

Cube neighbor on phone with friend: So, the first thing she needs to do is throw it out — get rid of all the porn. I mean, she has closets and closets full of it!

–Midtown

20-something woman on cell: I may be too analytical for erotica.

–Outside Century 21

Overheard by: McFreaky

“Free Country” Means You Can Leave, Baba

Older Russian woman to younger Russian woman: He was here for seven decades and never knew a word of English but his wife was a liaison, and they lived on a property in Texas and he wrote his books in Russian, and then when the Berlin wall came down he decided to go back to the Soviet Union, and before he came back he gave a press conference and there was an interpreter and when I heard what he had to say I wanted to cut his ears off. Instead of saying thank you to the United States for the hospitality, for the safety, for being able to write his books in the safety and respect, he proceeded to criticize the United States. How dare you say something like that? What's the matter with you? It is a terrible thing. So excuzez moi!

–Fete Cafe, 3rd Ave

Let’s Face Wednesday One-liners

Guy: My eyelashes have decided to declare war against my eyes.

–12th Street & 6th Avenue

Overheard by: E. F. Schubert

Woman: All I wanted was some sunflower seeds and I wound up with my face on a milk carton.

–41st & 5th

Overheard by: rebecca h.

Teen girl on cell: So I finally talked to him and I was like, “Do you have any safety pins?” and he was all, “No!” and then I was like,
“What about all the ones in your face?”

–Red Hook

Overheard by: linda

I Would Shave, Though

Queer hipster: Do my labia look too puffy?
JAP: What?
Queer hipster: My labia!
JAP: What the hell did you just say? I can’t hear you.
Queer hipster: My va-gi-na lips! Do they look too puffy?
JAP: Oh… No, not at all.

–Ben & Jerry’s

Wednesday One-Liners Have Tunnel Vision

Conductor: The next stop is…155th Street.

–Uptown D train, 170th St

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Conductor, over radio: Hey, Steve, do we have to fill out an unusual occurrence report for being on time?

–Amtrak train out of Penn Station

Overheard by: Mike

Conductor: This is a downtown 4 train making local stops. I repeat, this…Stop looking at me like that, nigga, or I’ll kill yo’ ass…This is a downtown 4 train making local stops…

–Downtown 4 train

Conductor, over loudspeaker: Come on! Step on the train. Don’t just look at the doors. Walk on!

–N train

Overheard by: Lila

Conducter: This is the back! This is the back of the train! The back, as in not the front!

–NJ Transit train, Penn Station

Overheard by: stupid tourist

Conductor: This is South Orange. South Orange. South Orange. [sound of a group of people cheering is heard over the speaker] Hallelujah! Hallelujah! This is South Orange!

–NJ Transit train from Penn Station to Dover

Conductor: We’re being held up by a C train in front of us. If you’re nervous or scared, we’ll be moving to our destination in a moment. No worries!

–Uptown A train

Overheard by: wasn’t too worried