Archive for 2018

But That’s, Like, The Worst Hamp­ton!

Jap­py girl #1: So like, I could­n’t be­lieve what hap­pened to Er­i­ca*, but like, I think she’ll be ok. I mean, she’s gonna mar­ry some guy who went to Penn in­stead of some guy who went to Prince­ton, and she’ll have a coun­try house in South Hamp­ton in­stead of like, East Hamp­ton, but I think she’ll be ok.
Jap­py girl #2: Oh yeah, I think she can han­dle it.
Jap­py girl #1: Poor thing.

–The Dal­ton School

Over­heard by: Vicks­burg

How Do They Taste?

Hobo: Can any­one spare some change? Please, I’m home­less and hun­gry.
British tourist #1: Is that the same bloke from the ear­li­er train?
British tourist #2: No, I think it’s a woman.
British tourist #1: Oh! Poor thing. I wish we had a brassiere to give her.

–F train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers’ Lives Are in the Hands of Cyn­i­cal Strangers

Pi­lot: For those of you seat­ed on the left, if you look out of your win­dow you can see the beau­ti­ful Man­hat­tan sky­line. For those seat­ed on the right… thank you for fly­ing Unit­ed.

–Flight to Newark

Over­heard by: will

Cap­tain: Good morn­ing, ladies and gen­tle­men. I’m your cap­tain, James T. Kirk, and to­day I’ll be as­sist­ed by my copi­lot, Ricky Bob­by.

–Jet­Blue flight, JFK

Over­heard by: jew­ish girl

Flight at­ten­dant: Wel­come to New York’s La­Guardia air­port, where the lo­cal time is way too ear­ly in the morn­ing!

–Red-eye flight from Ft. Laud­erdale, FL

Over­heard by: Jo­han­na Cipol­la

Fe­male flight at­ten­dant: In re­sponse to the many re­quests about what in-flight movies will be play­ing I have de­cid­ed to make a pub­lic an­nounce­ment: we are play­ing Gone with the Wind, and you are all free to sit on the wing to watch it. There is one oxy­gen mask per seat, and two in the bath­room. Why there are two in the bath­room — your guess is as good as mine. Thank you, and have a pleas­ant flight.

–South­west flight to JFK

Flight at­ten­dant on PA: Be care­ful when open­ing the over­head bins. Items can shift dur­ing flight and fall on you, or even, God for­bid, me.

Over­heard by: Earth­born

–Amer­i­can Air­lines flight, JFK

Flight at­ten­dant: Please take out the safe­ty cards in your seat’s back pock­et and pre­tend to fol­low along.

–Unit­ed flight 7418, La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Na­talya Petro­v­na

Flight at­ten­dant: Thank you for lis­ten­ing to the safe­ty an­nounce­ment for this Boe­ing 777 ser­vice to At­lanta… [Pro­ceeds in low whis­per] Go to sleep. Go to sleep. You don’t want any bev­er­ages. Close your eyes and sleeep

–Red-eye flight, La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Drewp

The Bitch of Brook­lyn­wald

Chick #1: Is that the guy you were with last week­end?
Chick #2: Keep your voice down. And please don’t re­mind me.
Chick #1: Why? He’s not bad.
Chick #2: He’s not even law school hot. I’ve so had to low­er my stan­dards for this group.
Chick #1: I’ve just start­ed go­ing out with Jew­ish guys.
Chick #2: Ugh. Please. We’re on­ly here for an­oth­er year and a half…I can hold out.

–Brook­lyn Heights

Over­heard by: iiams