Mom, looking at bedding: Oooh, this one is nice.
Daughter: Mom, I’m getting married. I want to have sex. Lots of it. Hot, steamy, nasty, married-people sex. I just don’t think I can do that on pastels.
–JCPenney bridal registry
Archive for 2018
I Think I’ve Realized What I Want for Dessert
Polite diner: So would you?
Girlfriend: Would I what?
Polite diner: Lick your own vagina if you could.
Girlfriend: Absolutely not.
Polite diner: Well I would, it’s delicious.
–Restaurant, 11th & 2nd
But That’s, Like, The Worst Hampton!
Jappy girl #1: So like, I couldn’t believe what happened to Erica*, but like, I think she’ll be ok. I mean, she’s gonna marry some guy who went to Penn instead of some guy who went to Princeton, and she’ll have a country house in South Hampton instead of like, East Hampton, but I think she’ll be ok.
Jappy girl #2: Oh yeah, I think she can handle it.
Jappy girl #1: Poor thing.
–The Dalton School
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Plenty of Tricks Don’t Require Pants
Hobo: Do you have a dollar?
Suit: Yes.
Hobo: May I have it?
Suit: Shouldn’t you do a trick first?
Hobo: Fucker, I don’t even own pants! You want me to dance for that shit?
–49th Street station
Overheard by: dank
How Do They Taste?
Hobo: Can anyone spare some change? Please, I’m homeless and hungry.
British tourist #1: Is that the same bloke from the earlier train?
British tourist #2: No, I think it’s a woman.
British tourist #1: Oh! Poor thing. I wish we had a brassiere to give her.
–F train
And Maybe Give Up This Ironic Detachment From the Only Life I’ll Ever Have
Hipster #1: I love it when my nose starts bleeding all over the fucking place. That just makes my day.
Hipster #2: Yeah, that’s good times.
Hispter #1: I should probably quit doing coke.
Hipster #2: Yeah, probably.
–Starbucks, Delancey & Allen
Overheard by: not a hipster, I swear
Wednesday One-Liners’ Lives Are in the Hands of Cynical Strangers
Pilot: For those of you seated on the left, if you look out of your window you can see the beautiful Manhattan skyline. For those seated on the right… thank you for flying United.
–Flight to Newark
Overheard by: will
Captain: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I’m your captain, James T. Kirk, and today I’ll be assisted by my copilot, Ricky Bobby.
–JetBlue flight, JFK
Overheard by: jewish girl
Flight attendant: Welcome to New York’s LaGuardia airport, where the local time is way too early in the morning!
–Red-eye flight from Ft. Lauderdale, FL
Overheard by: Johanna Cipolla
Female flight attendant: In response to the many requests about what in-flight movies will be playing I have decided to make a public announcement: we are playing Gone with the Wind, and you are all free to sit on the wing to watch it. There is one oxygen mask per seat, and two in the bathroom. Why there are two in the bathroom — your guess is as good as mine. Thank you, and have a pleasant flight.
–Southwest flight to JFK
Flight attendant on PA: Be careful when opening the overhead bins. Items can shift during flight and fall on you, or even, God forbid, me.
Overheard by: Earthborn
–American Airlines flight, JFK
Flight attendant: Please take out the safety cards in your seat’s back pocket and pretend to follow along.
–United flight 7418, LaGuardia
Overheard by: Natalya Petrovna
Flight attendant: Thank you for listening to the safety announcement for this Boeing 777 service to Atlanta… [Proceeds in low whisper] Go to sleep. Go to sleep. You don’t want any beverages. Close your eyes and sleeep…
–Red-eye flight, LaGuardia
Overheard by: Drewp
At Least He Doesn’t Eat Your Slippers, Like the Tenant.
Girlfriend: He’s not, like, the ideal tenant, know what I mean?
Boyfriend: Yeah, I know.
Girlfriend, to pooping bulldog: Sit! God, you’re such an ass! Sit!
–9th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Tom Fickle
It’s Just Stuff to Feed Keys, Locks and Safes
Guy #1: Man, I’m hungry. Let’s go into the supermarket for a second.
Guy #2: Key Foods? What for?
Guy #1: Food, asshole.
Guy #2: Man, there ain’t food in there.
–Greenpoint
Overheard by: Jacek Grebski
The Bitch of Brooklynwald
Chick #1: Is that the guy you were with last weekend?
Chick #2: Keep your voice down. And please don’t remind me.
Chick #1: Why? He’s not bad.
Chick #2: He’s not even law school hot. I’ve so had to lower my standards for this group.
Chick #1: I’ve just started going out with Jewish guys.
Chick #2: Ugh. Please. We’re only here for another year and a half…I can hold out.
–Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: iiams
