Archive for 2018

Wednes­days Don’t Kill Peo­ple; One-Lin­ers Kill Peo­ple

Large black man on cell phone: They did the deal with the di­a­monds, then the oth­er guy got greedy and shot up the place.

–Union Ave

Over­heard by: Seth Call­away

Teen, look­ing around: Where are we? Are we pur­chas­ing il­le­gal arms?

–Turk­ish Restau­rant, Mon­tague St.

Over­heard by: Mike N

Blonde chick in pink coat, perk­i­ly: … There was no ex­it wound, and no bul­let.

–L train

Over­heard by: La­dle

Girl talk­ing to co-work­er: I live near Wall Street and there are like army men down there with ma­chine guns and it’s scary! How do I know they don’t have Touret­te’s and won’t just start shoot­ing their guns all over the place?!

–41st & 3rd

Old­er suit, calm­ly, to his two fe­male cowork­ers: I’d like to put a gun to his head and say “Nick­ie do the right thing or I will blow your fuck­ing head off.”
[His com­pan­ions nod in un­der­stand­ing.]


Calm Jew­ish fra­ter­ni­ty guy on cell: So, I’m be­ing de­port­ed and draft­ed in­to the Is­raeli army… It’s okay, I’ll name my gun af­ter you!

–NYU Wa­ver­ly Build­ing

Year of the Jack­ass

Guy #1: Why did you cut your knish like you’re an Asian per­son?
Girl: Be­cause I’m a jink!
Guy #2: An­na, you are one crazy cook­ie.


Man: I have nev­er seen so many chinks in one Star­bucks in all my life.

–Star­bucks, Cros­by & Spring

Over­heard by: Jas

Guy: This is, like, the third time they’ve made me feel stu­pid in pub­lic. God, I hate Chi­nese peo­ple!

–Hous­ton & Suf­folk

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster

Ah, the Re­verse Don­key Punch

Man #1: It was kind of weird, she was go­ing down on me and then…Well…She stuck her fin­ger in my butt.
Man #2: You’re kid­ding me! I did­n’t re­al­ize that Beth was like that.
Man #3: So what did you do?
Man #1: What could I have done? It kin­da weird­ed me out.
Man #3: Man, if my girl ever did that, I think I’d punch her in the face.

–Penn Sta­tion

Hence, the ‘Got Root?’ T‑Shirt?

Cal­i­forn­ian boy: Dude, why are you al­ways run­ning to like 50 dif­fer­ent places a day?
New York geeky girl: Be­cause my brain is pro­gramed to run New York­er 10.0 and yours is Cal­i­forn­ian 4.20. Sim­i­lar op­er­at­ing sys­tems, on­ly we get stuff done on time, don’t wear san­dals to work, and are frankly just slight­ly su­pe­ri­or to every­body.

–N Train

Over­heard by: all­yse

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Live on a Steady Di­et of Gov­ern­ment Cheese

Guy: I’m tellin’ you, man. Amer­i­ca loves cheese. No, se­ri­ous­ly, dude. Amer­i­ca loves cheese!

–Ace’s, 5th St & Ave B

Cute 20-some­thing guy singing while play­ing soc­cer: Bot­tles of cheese, bot­tles of cheeeeeeeeese…

–Prospect Park

Over­heard by: i’d like a bot­tle of cheese

Girl: I’d rather have a turkey sand­wich with cum on it than cheese.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Lind­say

Dis­tressed fe­male stu­dent: She’s such a hard grad­er! She’s like…a cheese grater.

–Queens Col­lege

Five-year old boy: But mum­my, I want goat cheese on my french fries!

–St. Reg­is Ho­tel

Over­heard by: Nonok