Archive for 2018

Wednesdays Don’t Kill People; One-Liners Kill People

Large black man on cell phone: They did the deal with the diamonds, then the other guy got greedy and shot up the place.

–Union Ave

Overheard by: Seth Callaway

Teen, looking around: Where are we? Are we purchasing illegal arms?

–Turkish Restaurant, Montague St.

Overheard by: Mike N

Blonde chick in pink coat, perkily: … There was no exit wound, and no bullet.

–L train

Overheard by: Ladle

Girl talking to co-worker: I live near Wall Street and there are like army men down there with machine guns and it’s scary! How do I know they don’t have Tourette’s and won’t just start shooting their guns all over the place?!

–41st & 3rd

Older suit, calmly, to his two female coworkers: I’d like to put a gun to his head and say "Nickie do the right thing or I will blow your fucking head off."
[His companions nod in understanding.]

–Starbucks

Calm Jewish fraternity guy on cell: So, I’m being deported and drafted into the Israeli army… It’s okay, I’ll name my gun after you!

–NYU Waverly Building

Year of the Jackass

Guy #1: Why did you cut your knish like you’re an Asian person?
Girl: Because I’m a jink!
Guy #2: Anna, you are one crazy cookie.

–Astoria

Man: I have never seen so many chinks in one Starbucks in all my life.

–Starbucks, Crosby & Spring

Overheard by: Jas

Guy: This is, like, the third time they’ve made me feel stupid in public. God, I hate Chinese people!

–Houston & Suffolk

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Hence, the 'Got Root?' T-Shirt?

Californian boy: Dude, why are you always running to like 50 different places a day?
New York geeky girl: Because my brain is programed to run New Yorker 10.0 and yours is Californian 4.20. Similar operating systems, only we get stuff done on time, don't wear sandals to work, and are frankly just slightly superior to everybody.

–N Train

Overheard by: allyse

“Happiest Place on Earth,” My Ass

Father to kids: Do you know what's in Florida!?
Kids: What?!
Father: Disney World!
Kid, happy and excited: Oh wow! Can we go to Disney World?
Father: No.
Kid, sad: Why?!
Father: Because mommy and daddy hate Disney World!

–Chinatown Brasserie

Overheard by: Vieve