Archive for 2018

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Re­tain­ing Sperm

20-some­thing woman on cell: I thought I was preg­nant be­cause I was nau­seous all the time, but then I re­al­ized I was just al­ways hun­gover.

–111th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: La­dle

Guy to chick: What the fuck did she get preg­nant for? She need­ed to lose some weight.

–Bow­ery

Hy­per chick: He got me knocked up with this gi­ant pret­zel!

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Pret­zel Ven­dor

20-some­thing girl to friend: Oh, so you’re think­ing be­cause it’s Memo­r­i­al Day week­end you’re gonna get preg­gers?

–Hoyt-Scher­mer­horn Sub­way Sa­tion

Guy, about a cou­ple who’d bro­ken up: She came back to pick up her shit, and when you come back to pick up your shit, you know, shit hap­pens, and she got preg­nant.

–Bed-Stuy, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Ash­ley

La­dy suit on cell: Well, un­less you want to get me preg­nant, I’m not sure I see a way around this!

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Please Let Go of Your Crotch, Lar­ry

TV: ‘It’s of­fi­cial — Hillary Clin­ton is run­ning for the pres­i­den­cy…‘
Sec­re­tary #1: You gonna vote for her?
Sec­re­tary #2: I don’t know… I have to see who else is run­ning.
Ser­vice as­so­ciate: You think a woman can han­dle these 52 states? This is a big con­ti­nent — you think a woman can han­dle that?

–Mon­te­fiore Med­ical Cen­ter

Head­line by: Ja­son

Run­ners-Up:

· “At least we knew Mon­i­ca could han­dle a big load” — Roxi

· “I mean, re­al­ly, Deb­bie could on­ly han­dle Dal­las.” — Mikie

· “If she can’t han­dle the small “jobs” at home…” — Ken­neth

· “Men ly­ing about size? Yeah, a woman can han­dle that.” — bel­la


Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Don’t Com­plain About Your Food to a Starv­ing Per­son

Chat­ty, ob­nox­ious girl #1: My last re­la­tion­ship was a dis­as­ter. He just did­n’t treat me well. He was very dis­re­spect­ful. How is your man do­ing?
Chat­ty, ob­nox­ious girl #2: I don’t know. He says he loves me, takes me out all the time, is al­ways call­ing and pay­ing for every­thing. He even writes me long ro­man­tic notes and spends time with me when­ev­er he can. It’s just kind of lame, you know? I just told him I loved him to shut him up.

–E Train

Over­heard by: Xan­der