Archive for 2018

When Gay Boys Turn Straight in Self-De­fense

Dude #1: So my room­mate keeps jerkin off at my com­put­er.
Dude #2: That’s fucked.
Dude #1: It did­n’t both­er me at all till I smelled my chair. So I con­front­ed him.
Dude #2: What hap­pened?
Dude #1: He said he’d put some­thing on the chair next time. I guess I’m sup­posed to be okay with him pop­pin one off at my desk, I guess.

–Bell­house Bar

Over­heard by: bil­ly

I’ll Have My Sec­re­tary Do It

30-some­thing guy to group: So yeah, I mean my ex-wife found out I bought a new car, a Benz, and that my new girl­friend was dri­ving around in it. So she got all pis­sy and told me to buy her a car. So I bought her the shit­ti­est Toy­ota I could find at the used car lot. No joke, this thing is a death trap. I hope she burns alive in it.
Friend: Um, don’t you have kids?
30-some­thing guy: Yeah, so?
Friend: Does­n’t your ex-wife dri­ve the kids?
30-some­thing guy: Oh fuck me, now I have to tell her that I tried to kill her.

–Metro North Train

Over­heard by: Just Try­ing to Sleep…

With­out Pol­i­tics, There’d Be a Lot More Switch-Hit­ting

Queer: I should have got­ten her num­ber for you, but at the bar last night this woman walked in… She was se­ri­ous­ly hot. Like, se­ri­ous­ly. And I’m pret­ty sure the breasts were re­al.
Friend: But you’re gay.
Queer: Yeah, but I would have con­sid­ered go­ing straight for her. That’s how hot she was.

–NYU

Over­heard by: Eliz­a­beth

En­gorged, Throb­bing Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Woman to an­oth­er: Eat the pe­nis, Danielle, eat the pe­nis.

–New Jer­sey Tran­sit train out of Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Too­tles McGee

Black guy: Yo! Where my pe­nis at?

–Bergen­line Bus

Over­heard by: Don’t know how he lost it to be­gin with

Guy with big dog to girl­friend: Is my cock straight?

–12th & 7th Ave

Over­heard by: Aman­da

Five-year-old son to fa­ther help­ing him ride a bi­cy­cle, see­ing wood­en posts out of the wa­ter: Dad­dy, is that a huge pe­nis?

–South Sea­port

Fe­male suit: Their penis­es don’t care!

–Times Square

Hobo: I’m the un­luck­i­est son of a bitch I know! If it were rain­ing vagi­nas, I’d get hit in the head with a pe­nis.

–5th Ave

Girl on cell: That’s good… Did you like the peen? The peen? Did you like the pe­nis, moth­er? The pe­nis? Oh good, I though you would.

–9th & Prospect Park

Over­heard by: Oth­er Side of the Fence