Archive for 2018

Delet­ed Scene from Mis­sion: Im­pos­si­ble III

Hot Asian chick: Yeah, so I kept ask­ing my boyfriend about how he had his ex fin­ger his ass, and he got so pis­sy at me.
Gay black dude: Hmmph. He prob­a­bly does­n’t want to ad­mit he wants it up the booty all the time.
Hot Asian chick: He said he pre­tend­ed that he liked it when she she’d butt play him. I don’t buy that shit.
Gay black dude: Hon­ey, re­al men don’t pre­tend. Run!

–Hous­ton & Broad­way

Over­heard by: hen­ry

For Emi­ly, Wher­ev­er This Quote May Find Her

Guy on cell talk­ing loud­ly: Where the fuck are you, Emi­ly? (pause) Are you shop­ping? Don’t lie to me, Emi­ly! I will come over there and fuck­ing beat the dogshit out of you. (pause) I don’t care if I go to jail, it will be worth it to slap your ly­ing ass around. (pause) You don’t buy me shit, Emi­ly. Do you buy me my un­der­wear? No! Do you buy me socks? No! I do. What about all those purs­es and shoes you have? Me!
Ran­dom Do­mini­can teenage girl: Damn, Emi­ly re­al­ly don’t buy him noth­ing.

–Lucky Star Bus

Over­heard by: chi­na­town bus trav­el­er

That’s What She Gets for De­vour­ing That Goat That Was Teth­ered to the Ground

Girl #2: You’re so right! She does kind of look like a Tyran­nosaur!
Girl #1: Oh my god, you’re so mean.
Girl #2: What? You said it first.
Girl #1: I said: “She kind of looks like a ten­nis play­er.“
Girl #2: Um, oh. Oops.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: ouch.

Head­line by: James

Run­ners-Up:
· “Ei­ther Way, She Makes Quite a Rack­et” — Dot­Tim
· “I Al­ways Get Les­bians and Gi­ant Man-Eat­ing Lizards Con­fused.” — L.J.
· “If It’s Mar­ti­na Navratilo­va, They’re Both Right.” — Brady
· “It’s the Way She De­voured the Com­pe­ti­tion” — Markle9
· “Ser­e­nasaur or Venusaur?” — Matt
· “With the Rack­et and the Tiny Arms, It Could Re­al­ly Go Ei­ther Way.” — Rosie

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Would Nev­er Call It “Vay-Kay”

Dude: Maybe I’ll just go on va­ca­tion with my left hand.

–67th & Colum­bus

Over­heard by: Meli

Teen tourist on cell: I’m on va­ca­tion — I’m al­lowed to be a slut!

–Times Square

Trinida­di­an con­duc­tor on PA: This is Broad­way-Nas­sau/­Ful­ton Street. Trans­fer on the up­per lev­el for 2–3‑4–5, J, M and Z… And please keep in mind that this time to­mor­row, I’ll be landin’ in Trinidad in the sun, ha­ha­ha!

–A train

Over­heard by: Russ Wall

Con­duc­tor: Just re­mem­ber that on Sun­day, I’ll be on my way to Aca­pul­co! Ho, ho, ho! Did you ever see San­ta in short pants and a t‑shirt?

–A train

Over­heard by: amc

Girl to friends: Yeah, so, you know how I was ob­sessed with my ex, right? So, he to­tal­ly does­n’t know this, but one time when he was on va­ca­tion with his fam­i­ly, I broke in­to his house, looked through all his stuff for like three hours, and then took a huge dump in his par­ents’ bath­room and peaced.

–Grand Cen­tral

Work­er to an­oth­er: Wear some­thing non-flam­ma­ble when you go on va­ca­tion.

–Tiffany & Co.