Archive for 2018

And I’m Not Go­ing to Ex­plain Why Ur­ban Out­fit­ter-Wear­ing Moth­er­fuck­ers Are Sell­outs to a 30-Year-Old

Tween girl #1: That’s a girl’s shirt!
Guy in light blue shirt with pink flower on the back that says ‘Mom’s Week­end ‘04’: No, it’s not. It’s a man’s shirt.
Tween girl #2: No, that’s a girl’s shirt you have on.
Guy: I’m not go­ing to ex­plain irony to a 12-year-old.

–Tar­get, Queens

Over­heard by: Oh, Queens

What? Sex?

Eight-year old boy, bare­ly au­di­bly: Do you have any kid’s shoes?
Mid­dle aged clerk: Do I have sex? (pause) Well…
Eight-year old boy, slight­ly more au­di­bly: Naw, do you have any kid’s shoes?
Mid­dle aged clerk: Kids? Yes. I’ve got one 24 and one 19. I know they’re not re­al­ly kids, but they still seem like it to me.
Eight-year-old boy: Naw, naw! (loud­ly) I said “do you have any kid’s shoes?”

–Shoe Store, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Ere­mi

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are One of the Prop­er­ties of a Met­al

Con­duc­tor: While you are wait­ing for trains, please do not sit on the edge of the plat­form. Not on­ly could you loose your legs, but you could de­lay your fel­low pas­sen­gers.

–Long Beach-bound LIRR

Over­heard by: Matt P.

Con­duc­tor: The next stop is North White Plains, and every­one needs to get off there be­cause the train will be abort­ed to the train yard. Yes, the train yard… And you don’t want to be at the train yard. It is a dark and lone­ly place…

–Metro-North

Con­duc­tor: This is the Six lo­cal train. Next stop is 42nd, Grand Cen­tral. And re­mem­ber, folks, if you’re hav­ing a bad day, don’t try to have a good one. That’s just im­pos­si­ble. Next stop, 42nd.

–6 train

Over­heard by: freck­les

Con­duc­tor: Once again, ladies and gen­tle­men, to­day is Ju­ly 31st. No­vem­ber month­ly tick­ets are no longer valid on this train.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Does that mean I can use my De­cem­ber tick­et?

Con­duc­tor: This is the voice of your con­duc­tor. Re­mem­ber, on­ly I can move the train. [Paus­es while train be­gins mov­ing, then] See? Just like that.

–A train

Over­heard by: McF.

Con­duc­tor: I wish you would stop stick­ing your head out through the doors. If you want to be the con­duc­tor, take the test. Then you can stick your head out all you damn well please.

–7 train, Queens­boro Plaza

Over­heard by: Pro­cras­tY­Nate

Con­duc­tor: This is the Q lo­cal. An ex­press train is right across the plat­form. [Doors close] Wave good­bye!

–Q train

Over­heard by: Zvi

Sure, Lisa, Some Mag­i­cal Wednes­day One-Lin­er.…

Dude with chick to group of smok­ers out­side bar: We are go­ing to eat pork chops and fuck.

–Bleeck­er and Cros­by

Gay male on cell: …Do you re­al­ly think I would try his sausage balls?

–53rd St & 8th Ave

Bud­get Vin Diesel: I love ba­con. If I could, I would put ba­con in my ce­re­al.

–Sun­burnt Cow, Av­enue C

Over­heard by: LeahPia77

His­pan­ic deli work­er: Es muy bara­to, co­mo la carne de gato.

–10th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: An­na Pi­lar

Black man, to Jew­ish friend: You’re not Jew­ish. You had ba­con at your baby’s nam­ing cer­e­mo­ny. Thick­est, juici­est most de­li­cious ba­con I ever ate in my life. You named your kid Samuel and you had ba­con. De­li­cious, de­li­cious ba­con.

–A Train

Man on cell phone: The sausages! I mean, I don’t feel bad for the hot dogs. But, the sausages?!

–41st and 7th

Over­heard by: Justin

Ada Had an Iden­ti­cal Con­ver­sa­tion With the Doc­tor About Her Hus­band’s Vi­a­gra Pre­scrip­tion

Old­er woman: Ex­cuse me, have you found a set of keys in here?
Teller: No, ma’am.
Old­er woman: They’re not mine, they’re a friend’s.
Teller: We haven’t found any.
Old­er woman: If I lost my keys, I would be up­set, and would want the the per­son who found them to give them back.
Teller: We haven’t found your keys.
Old­er woman: If they were my keys I would be very up­set right now.

–Bank, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Na­tal­ie

Rab­bi: No, that’s To­tal­ly Cool

Ital­ian dude #1: No, it’s called Shalom in the Home. They send this Jew­ish guy in to tell you right from wrong.
Ital­ian dude #2: They send some Jew­ish guy in­to your house?
Ital­ian dude #1: Yeah, they send a Jew­ish guy in to, like, tell you if you’re do­ing some­thing wrong.
Ital­ian dude #2: So if you’re smokin’ crack, he’s all, ‘Don’t do that!’?

–Coop­er & 67th, Glen­dale

Over­heard by: Kim­ber­lee