Old man: I like your outfit.
Old woman: Thanks, I wore it at a funeral last night.
–Morris Park
Overheard by: Lon Steinberg
Archive for 2018
Can You Use Wednesday One-Liners in a Sentence?
20-ish woman: Why do they call it waiting on line instead of waiting in line? Is that like a New York thing? Is that like calling it smoking up instead of smoking out?
–58th & Park
Overheard by: marisa
Guy: Well, I think absent-minded means more like… Uh… Like…
–Broadway & Waverly
Future lawyer chick: Wait… So that’s the rebuttal? Rebuttal? Is that a word? Or is the word ‘counterargument’? Or am I just making up words?
–LSAT class, Cooper Square
Four-year-old girl to little boy who spoke in Spanish: I don’t speak your English!
–Claremont Park, Bronx
Overheard by: ClaRity
JAP to boyfriend: I don’t want anything that I can’t, like, pronounce right now.
–St Mark’s falafel district
Odds Are, Someone Has a Machete in Their Pocket
Conductor: You keep holdin’ those doors open, I’ll put this train out of service, then you’ll be walkin’ home!
[Several minutes later, a man is still trying to open the doors with his foot.]Passenger: Yo! Somebody please cut that man’s foot off!
–G Train
Overheard by: Johnny Salami
And What About Air? People Live in it For 80 Years Then Just Die.
JAP #1: Oh my God, alcohol kills so many people.
JAP #2: Ok, you know water kills more people than alcohol.
JAP #1: What are you talking about?
JAP #2: You’re so stupid! Don’t you remember the floods?
–Union Square
Overheard by: bob
Wednesday One-Liners Are Friends With Tom
Geeky boy: I think I’m having trouble meeting people online because my MySpace page is so intimidating.
Goth girls: [Silence.]
–Eileen’s Cheesecake
Girl: Hey, why didn’t you Friendster me on MySpace yet?
–46th & 6th
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Girl departing with friend: MySpace-message me when you get your new phone! But I’m sure I’ll see you before then.
–Hunter College
Overheard by: acep
Nerd: So I broke up with her by changing my MySpace status from ‘In a relationship’ to ‘Single.’
–Starbucks, Astor Place
Overheard by: Adrienne
Ghetto boy: Where the fuck has he been? Fuck. I’m going to hunt that nigger down on MySpace.
–Wendy’s, 23rd St
Guido in car full of guidos, taking girl’s picture with cell: Hey, girl! Didn’t I see you on MySpace last night?
–Hughes Ave & Fordham Rd
Overheard by: Greg
Skinny girl on cell: What? I’m sorry! Listen, you asked! That’s what happens when you bend over and you aren’t wearing underwear: your pussy definitely ends up on MySpace.
–65th & Lex
And Friday’s His Scrabble Night… No, I’ve Never Gone With Him to Scrabble Night, Why?
Hipster Girl #1: So you guys should come. Oh! You should bring your boyfriend, I haven’t met him yet.
Hipster Girl #2: I wish I could but it’s on Wednesday night, right? He’s really into fashion, that’s when he watches Project Runway.
[Hipster Girl #1 stares blankly at Hipster Girl #2 for a few moments.]Hipster Girl #1: Oh.
–Central Park
Overheard by: hobojane
You Can’t Always Get What You Want
Woman in her 50s: “She used to drink on weekends, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And then she got scared she was going to start drinking Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. So she went to AA and hasn’t touched a drop since, she’s a sponsor too. That was 15 years ago. Now she’s 33 and she went back to school. She just became a paralegal and makes $950 a month. She didn’t want to be one of those low people.”
–W Train
Give Me a Scotch and Soda, Hold the Scotch, and Throw in Some Caramel
Queer #1: Can I have Coke?
Waitress: We don’t serve sodas here.
Queer #2: What about Diet Coke?
–Bliss Café, Williamsburg
Overheard by: sillyrabbit
I Just Wouldn’t Talk to Her because She’s Black
Black woman: Money for the homeless? [Blonde chicks walk by, ignoring her.] What? You think you’re better than us? Fuckin’ white bitches!
Blonde, as she and friends run away: Oh, please, like this is about race. I don’t care if she’s black or white — I’m not giving her any fucking money to support her charity. Also known as a crack habit.
–10th & Broadway
Overheard by: don’t donate either
Splenda’s Actually Sugar with Augmented Breasts and No Pubes
Chick #1: I always use Equal.
Chick #2: Why?
Chick #1: Well, I like to think of Equal as the women’s lib of sweetener.
Chick #2: So… What does that make Sweet’N Low? The pre-lib? Feminine mystique?
Chick #1: Yeah… Just look at it — pink and pretty, sweet, and bowed low. C’mon. It’s like, ‘Hey, ladies, be sweet and pink for your man — use Sweet’N Low and stay in shape and he’ll love you more!’ Then there’s Equal — it’s blue, it’s bold, it demands attention. It says, ‘Yeah, we’re an artificial sweetener, marketed towards women, but we’re equal!’
Chick #2: Um… Okay, so what does that make Splenda?
Chick #1: I guess post-lib feminism?
Chick #2: Uh, I don’t even know what that is…
Chick #1: Well, see, Splenda’s in court now because apparently neither does anyone else.
Chick #2: Wow… The history of feminism, as interpreted by Deborah, through artificial sweetener… I don’t think I was ready for that at eight in the morning on a Thursday.
Chick #1: Yeah… But that was the only time it was gonna happen.
–71st & West End
Overheard by: Pedro