Archive for 2018

Hey, Kiss My Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Drunk guy: Ex­cuse me, Miss, I’m askin’… I want to kiss your ass! Just the left cheek!

–8th Ave & W 55th St

Over­heard by: Fred Daubert

Cana­di­an guy: The first kiss’ll be at the al­tar.

–Up­town 6 train

Loud­mouth on cell: Yeah man, and then, like, I was kiss­ing her, and then I like, just start­ed danc­ing with her. We were danc­ing, man. And then I picked her up, and she beat the crap out of me, and I had to put her down. Yeah, man. But she was a fuckin’ awe­some kiss­er.


Over­heard by: lucy in the sky with di­a­monds

Girl on cell: I can’t re­mem­ber the last time we kissed on the mouth, can you?

–43rd & Lex

Ghet­to chick leav­ing af­ter fight with boyfriend: Kiss my ass. No, kiss my pussy while it’s bleed­ing, like you used to.

–Wash­ing­ton Heights

Girl on cell: He said he would­n’t leave un­til I kissed him… so I kissed him while I was on the toi­let!

–115th St & Man­hat­tan Ave

Over­heard by: Melis­sa Berry

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Re­fer to 110th Street As ‘Down­town’

Ex­change stu­dent: I was just telling him how to use a Post-it.


20-ish male: Ac­tu­al­ly, glob­al warm­ing is on­ly go­ing to ben­e­fit New York City.


Over­heard by: mar­ti­na m.

Chick: I am not eat­ing some­where with a mis­placed apos­tro­phe in its menu.


Over­heard by: La­dle

Young Co­lum­bia stu­dent: Yeah, so all of a sud­den I was walk­ing home drunk, in a di­a­per, with a huge scar.

–1 train

Co­lum­bia grad stu­dent: … And if you ask him he’ll say, ‘I’m mak­ing mon­ey for the school! I’m mak­ing mon­ey for the school! I do drugs! I do drugs!’

–1 train

Stu­dent to an­oth­er: As for the ar­ti­cle, I don’t care about the truth of my ar­gu­ment. I care about peo­ple know­ing how big my pe­nis is.


Con­duc­tor: This is 116th Street, Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty. Good luck pay­ing your tu­ition.

–116th St

Over­heard by: Sam

With Lots of Maple Syrup

Small Cana­di­an mim­ic­k­ing fat kid: You run fun­ny.
Fat kid: Shut up or I’ll eat you. I eat Cana­di­ans for break­fast.

–Bronx Sci­ence

Over­heard by: LSB

No Need to Get Frothy.

Teen, look­ing at rack of sweater vests: Hey, look–I could turn in­to Rick San­to­rum!
Moth­er: Yeah, but then I’d have to dis­own you.

–Cen­tu­ry 21

Over­heard by: Ben­ny