Archive for 2018

Come to New York! It’s Safe, Really!

Black woman: You don’t go in there, girl, that’s the men’s bathroom! If you go in there, they’re going to rape you! And don’t think that they wouldn’t, because they will! They’re going to put you down on the floor and rape you and your daughter! You listen to me, girl!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: James Levinsohn

Husband: Yeah, keep walking! You know you can’t come back this way. They kill you here! They don’t just kill you, they kill everyone here!

–Central Park

Which Is Okay in His Hometown on Bizarro World

Dude #1: Yeah, Joe has no shame.
Dude #2: Yeah, he really doesn’t… He slept with his first cousin.
Dude #1: Really? How’d that happen?
Dude #2: He just had a crush on her, like, his entire life.
Dude #1: Whoa, I didn’t know that… Wow, that’s, like, kinda nasty. But that kind of shit happens. Chris slept with his cousin… But he at least got paid for it.

–6 train

Overheard by: Michelle

Wednesday One-Liners Are Still Pretty Spry

Old lady to guy pushing cart with large musical instrument case on top: Hey! Do you have a dead body in there?

–8th & 6th Ave

Old man: Tighty-whiteys! Tighty-whiteys! Does anyone know where the tighty-whiteys are? (pause) If anyone sees any tighty-whiteys, let me know.

–Goodwill, Chelsea

Strung-out old lady: Call me! I'm going to church, I need to pray for all of us!

–Montague St, Brooklyn

Long-haired old guy riding bike very slowly, to no one in particular: I hate you.

–Thompkins Square Park

Overheard by: Eli

If You're Against Wednesday One-Liners, Don't Have One

Opera director, after tech sticks a wire hanger under the thermostat box to turn up the heat: Well, someone just got an abortion! (everyone stares) Okay, enough of that. Back to work! Ha! Ha! Ha!

–Brooklyn Music School

Comedy club promoter: Cheaper than a Chinese abortion!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Mickey

Bar customer to bartender: You're only 22? I have an aborted fetus that's older than you!

–110th & Amsterdam

Man selling tickets: Help me pay for my girlfriend's abortion by coming to the comedy club!

–Times Square

Man to very pregnant friend he has not seen for a while: Karen! Oh my god, how are you? I thought you had gotten an abortion.

–D Train

Overheard by: blistexaddict

Cue Neil Diamond

Cute but innocent 20-something: Guess where I'm going tonight?
Older female coworker: Oh, is tonight the night you're going out with the hockey team?
Cute but innocent 20-something: Yeah, I won a contest! I'm going to Pittsburgh on a bus with the Islanders.
Male coworker: And when you come back, you'll be a woman.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Big Larry

Certainly, Mr. Hasselhoff

Customer: Um, excuse me, I ordered a root beer float, but you gave me a beer float.
Burger girl: Oh my god… I’m sorry.
Customer: I mean, I like your custard, and I like beer, but…
Random guy: Hey, can I have it?

–The Shake Shack

Overheard by: craig and cory