Archive for 2018

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Read in Union Square

Ston­er: We’re on the verge of a spir­i­tu­al rev­o­lu­tion. It’s like Fight Club…but with­out the vi­o­lence.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: braun bow­ery

Guy: The fact that bar was full of ug­ly girls is just ridicu­lous.

–Union Square

Crazy la­dy: Fine, stay where you are, Lin­da! Stay on the streets, stay in the gutter…but put all your stuff away!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Jen

Woman: If I die of malar­ia, you can have my DVD play­er.

–Union Square

La­dy on cell: …so what’s the dif­fer­ence be­tween the East Vil­lage and the West Vil­lage?

–Union Square

Over­heard by: feit­club

Guy on cell: I did­n’t throw the lamp at you be­cause I was out of con­trol, I threw the lamp at you be­cause you said I was out of con­trol.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: John

Guy: Dude! At least you’re get­ting head. Bad head is bet­ter than no head, any day of the week!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Joy Smok­er

Hap­pens Sopho­more Year for Most, But It’s Nev­er Too Late

92-year-old moth­er-in-law: It’s a two girl wed­ding?
Daugh­ter-in-law, pass­ing by sec­ond re­cep­tion hall: Yes, two women are hav­ing a wed­ding re­cep­tion, they got mar­ried.
Moth­er in law, as she stud­ies the two women: Well, that one [Points.] is­n’t so bad. she could have got­ten a man.
Daugh­ter-in-law: She did­n’t want a man. she’s at­tract­ed to women.
Moth­er in law: I nev­er had a chance to try that.
[Then pro­ceeds back and forth to the bath­room sev­er­al times dur­ing re­cep­tion, to check.]

–Wed­ding Re­cep­tion, Es­sex House

Over­heard by: brides­maid

Who’ll Have the Last Laugh When the Mes­si­ah Pops Out?

Girl­friend: I’m not feel­ing so good.
Boyfriend: Why? What’s wrong?
Girl­friend: I feel queasy and dizzy.
Boyfriend: What if you were preg­nant?
Girl­friend: By what? Im­mac­u­late con­cep­tion? Or your fin­ger?

–13th St & 4th Ave

Over­heard by: Bis­cuit-lover

Over­heard in Wednes­day One-Lin­er

20-some­thing dude to an­oth­er: It’s so hard to get laid in this city be­fore 11 pm!

–M‑15 Bus

Hot­tie: I am in New York City. You need to make $250,000 to live like a white per­son.

–28th & 29th

Over­heard by: A black per­son from Chica­go

20-some­thing male to fe­male: So you’d bet­ter be pre­pared. It’s like the Times Square of New York.

–16th St & Union Square

Over­heard by: An­nie B

Mid­dle-aged His­pan­ic dude to In­di­an sales­per­son: This is New York City. No­body’s gonna kill you, okay?

–Rite-Aid

Young gay man: That’s what I hate about New York City. It’s such a fuck­ing small town.

–14th St & 2nd Ave

Over­heard by: molls

Mar­riage Re­quires a Dif­fer­ent Kind of Act­ing

Lit­tle girl, hold­ing Phan­tom Of The Opera play­bill: Mom­my, were those two peo­ple mar­ried?
Moth­er: What two peo­ple?
Lit­tle girl: Those two peo­ple who kissed.
Moth­er: No. Those were ac­tors. They were just act­ing in a play.
Lit­tle girl: But then out­side, I saw them hug.
Moth­er: I think they were just say­ing, “Good job.” That’s how they say, “Good job.“
Lit­tle girl: Well, I saw them kiss so they bet­ter have been mar­ried!

–LIRR train

Over­heard by: sara swank