Archive for 2018

Like He Ever Worked at a Day­care?

Blonde hip­ster girl: Is it wrong that I wish evil things on those peo­ple?
Brunette hip­ster girl: Yes!
Blonde hip­ster girl, sur­prised: Why?
Brunette hip­ster girl: Be­cause that’s not what Je­sus would do.
Blonde hip­ster girl: Je­sus does­n’t know what I have to deal with.

–A Train

Ewww, Why Is This Sticky?

Bub­bly col­lege chick: Oh my god! Have you read David Sedaris?
Mel­low col­lege chick: Maybe…
Bub­bly col­lege chick: Maybe? How did you not shit your­self laugh­ing? I mean, he’s OCD and licks door­knobs on a reg­u­lar ba­sis! He’s gay, and he’s great! You should to­tal­ly buy this!

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty Book­store, Morn­ing­side Heights

Over­heard by: amused em­ploy­ee

She’s Hard­ly Com­ing Up with A‑list Ma­te­r­i­al

Dude: Do you think if I had a tail I’d be hap­py?
Girl: I’m just go­ing to sit here qui­et­ly and pon­der the ridicu­lous­ness of that state­ment.
Ran­dom guy: …Did­n’t you steal that line from Ar­rest­ed De­vel­op­ment?
Girl: Yeah, so?
Ran­dom guy: Well, if you’re go­ing to make fun of him for be­ing an id­iot, he should at least get to make fun of you for be­ing a pla­gia­rist.

–C train

Over­heard by: Gradie Smith

I’m Thank­ful I’m Alive

An un­of­fi­cial memo­r­i­al is cov­ered with flow­ers, can­dles, cards and can­dy.

Drunk girl #1: Hey, who wants a Blow Pop?
Drunk guy: Um…I dun­no.
Drunk girl #2: Don’t. It’s bad luck to take can­dy from the dead.
Drunk girl #1: …Yeah, I guess you’re right.

–3rd be­tween A & B

Over­heard by: The Vouk

Girl: Don’t die while I’m gone, okay?
Guy: Why not?

–66th & Colum­bus

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Don’t Know How to Quit You

Young queer on cell, laugh­ing: I mean, what is he go­ing to black­mail me with?

–9th & 47th

Over­heard by: won­der­ing

Old­er queer to boyfriend: There’s noth­ing like lis­ten­ing to Bach af­ter hav­ing sex!

–W 72nd St, Record Store

Over­heard by: I’ll have to try that some­time…

(40-some­thing gay guy is look­ing through a clear­ance rack of mis­matched out­er­wear un­der sign that reads “Big and tall ac­tive bot­toms”)
60-some­thing gay guy, yelling: Good luck, dahling, you’re in the wrong sec­tion. Find where the big des­per­ate bot­toms are and try that!

–KMart, Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: RoverUSA

Gay black man to whim­per­ing tod­dler held by moth­er: Don’t even start with me… Thank the Lord you ain’t my kid.

–M15 Bus

Young, good look­ing gay guy to much old­er ug­ly boyfriend: My ex-boyfriend al­ways bought me presents…

–86th St & Lex­ing­ton

Wait, That’s Not a New Dance?

Guy in Rangers jer­sey #1: Did you hear about that earth­quake in Japan?
Guy in Rangers jer­sey #2: Yeah. Those stu­pid moth­er­fuck­ers.

–R Train

Or Maybe She Just Wants Her House Cleaned for Free

Hip­pie chick #1: Wait, so what’s your moth­er’s ex­cuse for treat­ing you like a maid?
Hip­pie chick #2: She says she’s train­ing me for when I get mar­ried.
Hip­pie chick #1: But I thought your mom was a to­tal fem­bot.
Hip­pie chick #2: She claims to be, but this is­n’t her on­ly hyp­o­crit­i­cal fetish. I mean, the woman drinks non­al­co­holic wine.

–Chelsea

Over­heard by: Do­mes­ti­cal­ly Ap­a­thet­ic

Wednes­day One-Linered…With Chil­dren

Old Jew­ish woman to very ner­vous Asian 25-year-old bride to be: Hon­ey, I’ve been mar­ried 53 years. The se­cret to a great mar­riage? Give him lots of sex. Lots of good sex.

–Dum­bo, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Tanya

Man on cell: I told her I would con­vert. We could go to Ve­gas and get mar­ried next week, no prob­lem.

–64th & Am­s­ter­dam

Woman on phone: My ex-boyfriend was 24 and he was able to sup­port me, and you’re 35 on an en­gi­neer’s salary and you can’t do the same. Do you know how many guys are beg­ging to mar­ry me, and can give me a dowry? So fuck you!

–Tar­get Store, Brook­lyn

His­pan­ic woman on phone: So where are you now? You al­ready mar­ried him? Oh, okay. See you lat­er.

–28th & Park Av­enue South

Over­heard by: Alie

Five-year-old boy to teacher about five-year-old girl next to him: We’re go­ing to get mar­ried. (to five-year-old girl) What’s your name again?

–61st & Am­s­ter­dam