Archive for January, 2019

Itch­ing, Burn­ing, Flak­ing Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl to friend: I told him you had fuck­ing mad STDs be­cause he said he want­ed to fuck you. (pause) You’re wel­come!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Suit ex­it­ing cab: Yo, make sure you don’t give him your num­ber. He’s got crabs.

–30th Ave & 30th St, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: OhKel­lyO

Blonde 20-some­thing on phone: Ei­ther the uni­verse just proved there is no god, or he is a moth­er­fuck­ing cunt! (paus­es, then in low tone) Be­cause… I think I have her­pes.

–Bat­tery Park

Over­heard by: close enough to hear the her­pes part

Thug to thugette: I did­n’t have warts on my body till I met you.

–Metro North

Over­heard by: ba­con­ista

Guy on cell, lean­ing ca­su­al­ly against fire hy­drant: Hey, so, I just got my test re­sults back, and… uh… so I got her­pes. So… maybe you should get your­self test­ed. (pause) No, no, no. No. No! Dammit, Jes­si­ca, lis­ten, I… fuck. Sor­ry, Jen­nifer. No, I–no, I’m sor­ry, I’ve just been mak­ing this call a lot to­day. (pause) Hel­lo?

–Car­roll Gar­dens, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Kytt

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: “Chug! Chug!”

Child to fa­ther: No dad, I want the whole fuck­ing beer!

–Union Square

Stoned guy: Iced tea is just like wa­ter and lemon and shit.

–5th Ave Din­er

Over­heard by: oliviz

Col­lege stu­dent to an­oth­er: So we can go to an ex­pen­sive club tonight, where it’s re­al­ly hard to look good… or go to a cheap bar where there’s pre­mi­um beer and women ac­tu­al­ly born in this coun­try.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: mel­bert

New Yor­i­can girl: So I bought this juice and brought it home, right, lat­er my moth­er must have torn through the fridge and tak­en it. And she was like “I’m re­al­ly sor­ry I took your juice.” And I was like, “okay, what­ev­er.” I mean, what was I gonna do about it? Drink her piss or some­thing?

–Cof­fee Shop, 77th & 1st