Archive for January, 2019

Itching, Burning, Flaking Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to friend: I told him you had fucking mad STDs because he said he wanted to fuck you. (pause) You’re welcome!

–Washington Square Park

Suit exiting cab: Yo, make sure you don’t give him your number. He’s got crabs.

–30th Ave & 30th St, Astoria

Overheard by: OhKellyO

Blonde 20-something on phone: Either the universe just proved there is no god, or he is a motherfucking cunt! (pauses, then in low tone) Because… I think I have herpes.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: close enough to hear the herpes part

Thug to thugette: I didn’t have warts on my body till I met you.

–Metro North

Overheard by: baconista

Guy on cell, leaning casually against fire hydrant: Hey, so, I just got my test results back, and… uh… so I got herpes. So… maybe you should get yourself tested. (pause) No, no, no. No. No! Dammit, Jessica, listen, I… fuck. Sorry, Jennifer. No, I–no, I’m sorry, I’ve just been making this call a lot today. (pause) Hello?

–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Kytt

Wednesday One-Liners: “Chug! Chug!”

Child to father: No dad, I want the whole fucking beer!

–Union Square

Stoned guy: Iced tea is just like water and lemon and shit.

–5th Ave Diner

Overheard by: oliviz

College student to another: So we can go to an expensive club tonight, where it’s really hard to look good… or go to a cheap bar where there’s premium beer and women actually born in this country.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: melbert

New Yorican girl: So I bought this juice and brought it home, right, later my mother must have torn through the fridge and taken it. And she was like “I’m really sorry I took your juice.” And I was like, “okay, whatever.” I mean, what was I gonna do about it? Drink her piss or something?

–Coffee Shop, 77th & 1st