Archive for January, 2019

Itching, Burning, Flaking Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to friend: I told him you had fucking mad STDs because he said he wanted to fuck you. (pause) You’re welcome!

–Washington Square Park

Suit exiting cab: Yo, make sure you don’t give him your number. He’s got crabs.

–30th Ave & 30th St, Astoria

Overheard by: OhKellyO

Blonde 20-something on phone: Either the universe just proved there is no god, or he is a motherfucking cunt! (pauses, then in low tone) Because… I think I have herpes.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: close enough to hear the herpes part

Thug to thugette: I didn’t have warts on my body till I met you.

–Metro North

Overheard by: baconista

Guy on cell, leaning casually against fire hydrant: Hey, so, I just got my test results back, and… uh… so I got herpes. So… maybe you should get yourself tested. (pause) No, no, no. No. No! Dammit, Jessica, listen, I… fuck. Sorry, Jennifer. No, I – no, I’m sorry, I’ve just been making this call a lot today. (pause) Hello?

–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Kytt

Wednesday One-Liners: “Chug! Chug!”

Child to father: No dad, I want the whole fucking beer!

–Union Square

Stoned guy: Iced tea is just like water and lemon and shit.

–5th Ave Diner

Overheard by: oliviz

College student to another: So we can go to an expensive club tonight, where it’s really hard to look good… or go to a cheap bar where there’s premium beer and women actually born in this country.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: melbert

New Yorican girl: So I bought this juice and brought it home, right, later my mother must have torn through the fridge and taken it. And she was like “I’m really sorry I took your juice.” And I was like, “okay, whatever.” I mean, what was I gonna do about it? Drink her piss or something?

–Coffee Shop, 77th & 1st