Teen girl #1, about nearby Shoot the Freak booth: So, what is it — some kind of set-up or something? Like, it’s not a real freak, right?
Teen girl #2: No, it’s a real guy. Want to go see?
Teen girl #1: No! I’m a Quaker!
–Coney Island
Archive for January, 2019
Traditionally the 10th is Kicks
Guy #1: Tomorrow is my 10th wedding anniversary.
Guy #2: Oh yeah, what are you going to do?
Guy #1: I’m going to buy a new belt and beat my wife with it.
–Office, 28th & Park
Itching, Burning, Flaking Wednesday One-Liners
Girl to friend: I told him you had fucking mad STDs because he said he wanted to fuck you. (pause) You’re welcome!
–Washington Square Park
Suit exiting cab: Yo, make sure you don’t give him your number. He’s got crabs.
–30th Ave & 30th St, Astoria
Overheard by: OhKellyO
Blonde 20-something on phone: Either the universe just proved there is no god, or he is a motherfucking cunt! (pauses, then in low tone) Because… I think I have herpes.
–Battery Park
Overheard by: close enough to hear the herpes part
Thug to thugette: I didn’t have warts on my body till I met you.
–Metro North
Overheard by: baconista
Guy on cell, leaning casually against fire hydrant: Hey, so, I just got my test results back, and… uh… so I got herpes. So… maybe you should get yourself tested. (pause) No, no, no. No. No! Dammit, Jessica, listen, I… fuck. Sorry, Jennifer. No, I–no, I’m sorry, I’ve just been making this call a lot today. (pause) Hello?
–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Kytt
Putting the Man Back in Mandarin
Guy #1: No, he’s a draq queen not a trannie; he didn’t get it cut off.
Guy #2: So then RuPaul must be the most famous drag queen ever, man…
Guy #1: Probably not.
Guy #2: Who, then? Like…Fu Manchu?
–52nd & 6th
My Words Are a Well-Oiled Team
Friend: How are you not wasted?
Birthday dude: It’s one of my many talents — I can be drunk and still be cohesive.
Friend: You mean ‘coherent’?
Birthday dude: Fuck you.
–Black Bear Lodge
Wednesday One-liners Look Busted
Man: Wow, that woman looks exactly the way Nina is going to look in about ten years…Oh shit, it is Nina. Don’t tell her what I said, okay?
–Emerald Planet, Great Jones Street
Gotta Watch ‘Em Every Minute During the Terrible Twos
Concert girl #1: You totally missed it.
Concert girl #2: Missed what?
Concert girl #1: You know those girls that were really drunk and dancing in front of us? Well, they ended up taking their clothes off…
–Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Liners: “Chug! Chug!”
Child to father: No dad, I want the whole fucking beer!
–Union Square
Stoned guy: Iced tea is just like water and lemon and shit.
–5th Ave Diner
Overheard by: oliviz
College student to another: So we can go to an expensive club tonight, where it’s really hard to look good… or go to a cheap bar where there’s premium beer and women actually born in this country.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: melbert
New Yorican girl: So I bought this juice and brought it home, right, later my mother must have torn through the fridge and taken it. And she was like “I’m really sorry I took your juice.” And I was like, “okay, whatever.” I mean, what was I gonna do about it? Drink her piss or something?
–Coffee Shop, 77th & 1st
Earlier, It Asked Me What the Meaning Of Life Is
40-something male watching 20-something female bending over: Holy shit! That girl’s got no panties on!
30-something male: Yes she is, it’s a thong.
40-something male: If she is wearing panties, that’s the deepest thong I’ve even seen.
–Dewey’s Flatiron
Overheard by: Gmoney
Yum! Wednesday One-liners
Queer: You are all a bunch of crackers…What are you laughing at, Jew? We have a cracker and a Jew, it’s like a Lunchable.
–1 train
