Guy: Dammit, I forgot my iPod. Fucking cunt.
Girl: What?
Guy: Not you, my freakin’ head.
–Palladium elevator, East 14th Street
Overheard by: Rachel W.
Archive for March, 2019
You and That Skin Infection Were Meant for Each Other
Lady: So, are you giving them gifts this year?
Fat woman with afro: Ugh, I just spent 300 dollars on my tattoo. I can’t afford it.
Lady: Oh, really?
Fat woman with afro: You know, in Amsterdam tattoos are covered by the government. It’s part of the health plan.
Lady: Wow.
Fat woman with afro: I mean, why should I pay 600 dollars for emergency health insurance when I’d rather that money be spent on my tattoo? I don’t go to the hospital. It doesn’t make sense.
Lady: Uh-huh… I see what you mean.
–7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: Elise L.
Boys Take Non-Poking Very Literally
Teen girl: I was so mad at him that I unfriended him on Facebook.
Friend: What does that mean?
Teen girl: I was mad, but not mad enough to break up. This way we can still message each other, but he can't poke me anymore.
Friend: So, technically, would this be symbolic or metaphorical action?
Teen girl: What?
Friend: Nevermind.
–Penn Station
The Ignorance of Some Wednesday One-liners
Preppy guy on cell: Where are you?…Malcolm X Boulevard & what?…Jesus. Find someone who looks nice and ask how to get to the 6 train…no, not a white person a nice person…well, a nice white person would be ideal…okay, call me back.
–86th & Lex
These Days He Sells Mortgage-Backed Securities
Well-dressed middle aged woman #1: Do you know him?
Well-dressed middle aged woman #2: Yeah, I bought heroin from him once a long time ago.
Well-dressed middle aged woman #1: Oh, so you do know him?
Well-dressed middle aged woman #2: Yeah, but I don't think he likes me; I didnt have enough money for it so I just gave him what I had, and never called again.
–1st '& 1st
Preferably with Uprooted Oaks, although Maples Usually Get the Message Across
Young mom to disabled son: I do everything for you — I move trees for you, and then you fuck it up and I have to wale on you!
–24th & 2nd
Overheard by: Becka Dash
Lick My Wednesday One-Liner, Bitch!
20-something hot girl to another: Well, if there was Kool-Aid on your butt, wouldn't you lick it?
–42nd & Broadway
Drunk girl: I would totally lick that off the table if I was more drunker.
–71st & 1st
Man on cell: I don't speak fucking German. I put my tongue in butts. I lick fucking clitorises.
–135th & Malcolm X
Mom to misbehaving son: You are not to lick your brother's tongue. You are not to lick your brother's face. I will leave you on the train tracks and you can find your way to the zoo yourself. Now, get it together.
–F Train
They Waved at Me
Jewish girl #1: I got an ultrasound last week.
Jewish girl #2: I had an ultrasound once. I got to see my ovaries.
Jewish girl #1: How did they look?
Jewish girl #2: Really cute!
–F Train
Overheard by: forgotmyipod
Wednesday One-Liners Are Breakin' Outta This Joint, See?
Guy in crowded holding room for Hair audition: This is like gay prison.
–Ripley Grier Studios
Small white jewish girl: Oh my god, I would leave my boyfriend for Lil Wayne in a second. Now that he's in jail, I think I'm going to start writing him letters.
–NYU
Overheard by: kpan
Heavyset black kid: Remember, the police will take your dead body to jail.
–Q Train
Thuggy black dude: Naw, I ain't goin' to jail tonight–not for no black girl. Now if she was white…
–E Train
Overheard by: Tallwhiteboy
Ghetto girl to another: Girl, you gotta stop buying things for him. He's in jail.
–Astor Place K-Mart
Overheard by: Elliot
All Couples Eventually Become Lesbian Couples, Anyway
Girl #1: Man, I am so excited to just move.
Boy: When you move in with me, can we get a Chia pet?
Girl #2: Oh, girl, watch out. You get a Chia pet and it's a slippery slope. Next thing you know, you and Cliff will be wearing cat sweatshirts and writing fan fiction.
Boy: That's gonna happen in secret.
Girl #1: Whatever, bitch, we're gonna grow herbs.
–The Met