Archive for April, 2019

You Should See My Notes for Sex­u­al An­thro­pol­o­gy

Teen girl #1: Don’t read it.
Teen boy: Re­al­ly?
Teen girl #2: It’s so over­rat­ed. Every­one’s like “Oh my god, Franken­stien is awe­some!” but it’s not. It is­n’t. Franken­stein sucks so hard.
Teen girl #1: Vic­tor spends half the book sick, and the mon­ster spends half the book spy­ing on a fam­i­ly with a hot Ara­bi­an chick.
Teen boy: What about all the torch­es and Ig­or and every­thing?
Teen girl #2: Not there.
Teen boy: For re­al?
Teen girl #1: Just a lot of a Swiss guy cry­ing and ly­ing on the floor. I even have it in my notes, “Vic­tor says: ‘When in doubt, pass out!’ ” And there’s a stick fig­ure giv­ing a thumbs up.

–For­bid­den Plan­et

What’s More Amer­i­can Than Wednes­day One-Lin­ers?

Guy on cell: Come on, one third of Amer­i­cans don’t pay their tax­es. I want to be one of them.

–7th Ave & Garfield, Brook­lyn

Guy on cell: Does he know where he is? This is America–this is Amer­i­ca. They makin’ ice cream every sec­ond! I don’t know what he’s com­plain­in’ about, they got chains makin’ food 24 hours a day…they even makin’ milk on Christ­mas!

–NJ Tran­sit

Over­heard by: Tess

Ob­nox­ious black guy to an­oth­er: I was watchin’ a spe­cial on tv last night talkin’ about how gays can’t be in the war! When they find out the whole Amer­i­ca is gay, we’re screwed!

–45th & 9th

Con­struc­tion work­er to an­oth­er: Hell, I could break down George Bush in a de­bate. And I’m a fuckin’ plumber! (pause) I hate my damn na­tion…

–Dunkin’ Donuts, As­to­ria, Queens

Con­duc­tor: This is the r lo­cal to Con­ti­nen­tal… For­est Hills… Queens… USA!

–R Train

Over­heard by: Mugsy’s Moll

But How Could He Know?

Guy: I don’t know what hap­pened. I was talk­ing to my room­mate, and then next thing I know, I’m sit­ting on the couch in front of the TV eat­ing peanut but­ter with a spoon. I don’t know how I got there.
Girl: Wow…Do you do that a lot?
Guy: What, black out?
Girl: No, eat peanut but­ter like that.
Guy: Oh, um…yeah, I guess so.

–G train, Green­point Ave

Over­heard by: G train en­thu­si­ast

She Was Quite Mod­est about It, Too

Teeny­bop­per #1: Ugh… I hate those over­ly-proud His­pan­ics!
Teeny­bop­per #2: They dri­ve me in­sane! They’re like, ‘Oh my god, Pa­pi, 100 per­cent Boricua! Hol­la at me!‘
Teeny­bop­per #1: Why can’t they speak good Eng­lish?
His­pan­ic woman: I be­lieve you mean to say, ‘Why can’t they speak Eng­lish well?‘
Teen boy: Owned!

–L train

Over­heard by: Laugh­ing to my­self