Archive for April, 2019

I See You Share My Affliction, Brother

Ticket seller: Hey guy! Wanna see a comedy show?
Teenager: Sorry, I was born without a sense of humor.
Ticket seller: Go fuck yourself!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Vinny B

Headline by: Toby

· “It Would Have Been Funnier If He Wasn’t an Autistic Hermaphrodite” — Prole
· “Jimmy Fallon Turns Down Tickets to His Own Show” — walty
· “Now *That* Would Be Quite a Show…” — Green Star
· “Really? I Was Born with Tourrettes…” — Chad King

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

I Wondered About the Wide-brimmed Leopard-print Hat.

Old black man: Are you Trinidadian?
Woman: No, I’m Jamaican.
Old black man: Oh, damn… Ya’ll is mean. Jamaican women will treat you good if they love you… But if they don’t… You won’t live very long. But I survived all those women because I’m a pimp.


Parapraxic Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: I had to swallow… The whole thing!

–9th Ave & 44th St

Big guy: Did I tell you? The other weekend I caught Jack’s sausage!

–Duane Reed, Jackson Heights

Overheard by: Mrs. LeClair 

Girl, on firefighters packing equipment: Man, there’s a lot of hose out there!

–Hanover Square

Customer: If I’m going to pay 20 dollars for a piece of meat, the least they can do is give me something to wipe my face with.

–45th & Madison

Overheard by: madnyc

One mother to another, both pushing strollers: He just won’t suck on anything else!

–5th Ave between 8th & 9th St
Park Slope

Overheard by: Wankrupt

Dad instructing child: You kind of have to use your tongue to lap it up into your mouth.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: vm

Twelve-year-old girl on phone: There’s really a lake called Titty CaCa!

–8th Ave &16th St