Archive for August, 2019

Right, in the Same Way That Cor­nell Is “Ivy League”

Slack­er #1: Yo, man, where you goin’ to col­lege?
Slack­er #2: Just a CUNY, man — Queens Col­lege.
Slack­er #1: Yo, man, is­n’t that a bor­ough? Is that Bor­ough Col­lege?
Slack­er #2: I’m not sure. Yeah, man, maybe. Man­hat­tan Col­lege would be ‘City col­lege,’ right?

–Brook­lyn Tech

Over­heard by: Ashamed to go to school with them

These Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Brought to You by Birken­stock

Guy to bud­dy: Dude, we are ac­tu­al­ly a les­bian cou­ple.

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: So­fa

Loud woman on cell: Did you know that De­vah­n­dra had a ba­by? Yeah, a girl. What hap­pened to be­ing a les­bian? Yeah, I guess that one went kin­da short.

–Bx16 bus

Over­heard by: Lil­lian

LI man: … And then the les­bians — they sur­round­ed me.

–LIRR, Ja­maica

Over­heard by: wish they had been sur­round­ing ME

Hip­ster: She thought she was a les­bian, but she was a midget.

–L train

Suit to fe­male com­pan­ion: Even les­bians have to eat!

–34th St

Over­heard by: oh, is that why i’m so hun­gry?

The Film­ing of Back to School II

Ed­die Iz­zard: We’ve ex­plored space, but we haven’t drilled down. You all re­mem­ber Jour­ney to the Cen­ter of the Earth. Why don’t we just drill down to the cen­ter and see the…what’s it called?
Guy: Mag­ma.
Ed­die Iz­zard: Yeah, we’ll get a heat re­sis­tant cam­era and we’ll see the mag­ma. And they’ll make a doc­u­men­tary–
Guy: It would­n’t work.
Ed­die Iz­zard: Eh?
Guy: The den­si­ty would be too in­tense.
Ed­die Iz­zard: No, we would take the rocks out be­hind us–
Guy: No, the air would be too dense. As you ap­proach the cen­ter of
the earth, the den­si­ty of the air in­creas­es.
Ed­die Iz­zard: But what if you took the rocks out?
Guy: No, the air would still be too dense.
Ed­die Iz­zard: Oh, well I guess you would know bet­ter than I. You must be some sort of sci­en­tist?
Guy: Ac­tu­al­ly, I’m an actor…but I took sci­ence class.

–The Vil­lage The­atre, Bleeck­er Street

And the An­cient Greeks Owned Slaves!

Boy giv­ing pre­sen­ta­tion: Guys, shut up! Every­body has to be qui­et dur­ing my pre­sen­ta­tion.
Black boy: Man, your peo­ple kept my peo­ple down for hun­dreds of years. I ain’t be­ing qui­et for your pre­sen­ta­tion!
Boy giv­ing pre­sen­ta­tion: I’m not white, dude. I’m fuck­ing Greek.

–Bard High School, Queens

Over­heard by: Sun­ny

Be­cause That’s Not Pay­ing Enough to Live There

Guy: I’m go­ing to Chica­go this week­end.
Girl: Jeal­ous.
Guy: Want me to bring you back a hot dog?
Girl: Mi­nus the dog.
Guy: Pol­ish sausage?
Girl: Veg­e­tar­i­an.
Guy: Sausage piz­za? Ital­ian sausage? Sausage smooth­ie?
Girl: To­tal­ly.
Guy: Why does­n’t some­one open a sausage smooth­ie store in Chica­go? They’d be a mil­lion­aire.

–F train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Do Dal­las

Hobo: I was an ex­tra in the movie [in­audi­ble] Times Square, man! Did you see it? I was the one down on my knees scream­ing, ‘I’m a born-again porno ad­dict!’

–N train

Man on cell: Yo, dude, I don’t know what to get! They got all kinds of shit in there!

–Out­side adult video store, 14th & 6th

Over­heard by: Sarah

Hot chick on cell: Why are you so stressed?! This sounds like a good thing! Don’t be so se­ri­ous about it! It’ll be okay! Here, did you know there’s an an­i­mal rights group called ‘Porn Stars for Pups’?

–The Black Sheep

Over­heard by: Ar­gopel­ter

Guy on cell, push­ing by cou­ple with ba­by in stroller: I’m not go­ing to Cal­i­for­nia! I pay her twelve hun­dred dol­lars per hour. If she does­n’t sleep with Niko, then fire her! I lost a hun­dred thir­ty-eight fuck­ing grand yes­ter­day! Tell her what to do, and deal with it!

–Ho­r­a­tio & Hud­son

Over­heard by: Stephen Lind­say

An­gry girl to friend: Se­ri­ous­ly, Chris, can’t we go one day with­out talk­ing about shiz­er porn?!

–East Vil­lage

Wednes­day Hold-on-There’s-Some­one-on-the-Oth­er-Lin­ers

60-year-old man on cell: I want you to do a big fave for me, okay? Call my aun­t’s house. If my aunt picks up, hang up.

–B4 Bus

Over­heard by: Vic­to­ria Taraso­va

Dude on cell: No, it’s okay, my cell­phone is at­tached to my hand. It’s part of my hand!

–Restau­rant Bath­room, 7th Ave

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster

NYU guy on cell, snot­ti­ly: No wait, wait… Is it full be­cause you keep leav­ing them for me and I nev­er both­er to lis­ten? (pause) Voice­mail is a dead tech­nol­o­gy, dad.

–Bus

Over­heard by: liz

Woman on crutch­es: Peo­ple think I’m talk­ing on one of those Blue­tooth-head­phone-cell phones. Nah. I’m just talk­ing to my­self. Pfft! I ain’t got no cell phone! I just talk to my­self! That’s right!

–Food Stamp Of­fice, 14th St

Over­heard by: Er­i­ca Schrein­er

African Amer­i­can man on cell: I got­ta go. I got Richard Sim­mons on the oth­er line.

–30th St & Madi­son Ave

Over­heard by: mike v