Woman: When I was a kid, we never called people ‘cunt.’ It wasn’t insulting enough. But if you called someone a ‘twat,’ now you’re using fighting words.
Man: But that’s not true most places.
Woman: Brooklyn’s not most places.
–Starbucks, Astor Place
Archive for September, 2019
Orange You Glad He Didn’t Say Banana?
Suit #1: Sounds like Bugsy Siegel.
Suit #2: Yeah.
Suit #1: You know who Bugsy Siegel is, right?
Suit #2: Sure, yeah.
Suit #1: You know who he is?
Suit #2: Yeah. Look–
Suit #1: You know who he is?
Suit #2: Yeah, yeah–
Suit #1: Who is he, then?
Suit #1: Who gives a shit?
–Broadway & Leonard deli
Overheard by: Mel
Tonight’s Lesson: Making Long Island Iced Teas
Aunt: Do you know what you are being?
Child: Yeah.
Aunt: Does it start with a b?
Child: Maybe.
Aunt: Your father calls me that all the time, you can say it…I give you permission.
Child: No.
Aunt: Is it a female dog?
Child: Yeah.
Aunt: Come, tell me…is it “bitch?“
Child: Yeah, I’m a being a bitch.
–Isabella’s, 81st St
Overheard by: Gerald T Reiner Jr.
That’s Obscene.
Little girl: Mommy! Mommy! How many times have I asked you for a brother?
Mother to friend: Yeah, she’s been buggin’ me about having a boy.
Little girl: Yeah! And we can name him David!
Mother: David? David? Hooooo, girl! Hell no!
–Staten Island Ferry
I Know a Place Where They Fix That, Too
Euro hipster #1: I got the soles of my shoes fixed.
Euro hipster #2: Your what?
Euro hipster #1 #1: You know, the soles of my shoes. The bottoms.
Euro hipster #2: I do not know this word.
Euro hipster #1: You know, S‑O-U‑L.
Euro hipster #2: Ah, like ass-soul?
–New York Sports Club, Astoria
Overheard by: Lizzy Vegas
It’s Like a Blessing from God
Woman to guy, about guys making moves on drunk girls they are friends with: So, why do you guys do something like that? It never works.
Guy: Sure, 9 times out of 10 it doesn’t work, but that one time you score.
Woman: But aren’t those other 9 times really awkward and damaging to your friendship?
Man: Yeah, but there’s that one time where you get sex you really weren’t expecting!
–Fiddlesticks Bar
Wednesday One-liners: Questions
Fat old lady: Do you happen to know who wrong the song “Who Let the Dogs Out”?
–Barnes & Noble, 22nd Street
Old woman: What do you want me to talk about? You don’t want to hear about my dog. You don’t want to hear about my cat. What else is there to talk about?
–N train
Overheard by: Nim G
Blueblood woman: Yesterday I was in here and got 2 tomatoes and left them here. Have they been found?
–Bleecker Street grocery
She’s Used to All That Pseudo-Italian Crap
Woman #1, pointing to smallest cup: So, what size is this?
Barista: That’s a small.
Woman #1: And what size is this?
Barista: That’s a medium.
Woman #1: And so what size is this?
Barista: That’s a large.
Woman #2: Wow, this has been the most fascinating exchange I’ve heard in quite some time.
–9th St Espresso, East Village
Overheard by: Shankalicious
Earthquakes Happen When California Eats a Bad Burrito
Suit #1: Yeah, you know the San Andreas Fault?
Suit #2: What about it?
Suit #1: Well you know, dude, it’s like the nation’s asscrack.
–40th St & Lexington
Overheard by: Remind me not to live there…
Raise Your Hand If You Know Someone Who Did
Girl #1: We did some pretty kinky stuff last night.
Girl #2: How kinky?
Girl #1: He came while doing it in the butt!
Girl #2: Really? Can you get pregnant from that?
–2nd & 67th
