Archive for September, 2019

Most Places: Amen to That!

Woman: When I was a kid, we nev­er called peo­ple ‘cunt.’ It was­n’t in­sult­ing enough. But if you called some­one a ‘twat,’ now you’re us­ing fight­ing words.
Man: But that’s not true most places.
Woman: Brook­lyn’s not most places.

–Star­bucks, As­tor Place

Tonight’s Les­son: Mak­ing Long Is­land Iced Teas

Aunt: Do you know what you are be­ing?
Child: Yeah.
Aunt: Does it start with a b?
Child: Maybe.
Aunt: Your fa­ther calls me that all the time, you can say it…I give you per­mis­sion.
Child: No.
Aunt: Is it a fe­male dog?
Child: Yeah.
Aunt: Come, tell me…is it “bitch?“
Child: Yeah, I’m a be­ing a bitch.

–Is­abel­la’s, 81st St

Over­heard by: Ger­ald T Rein­er Jr.

I Know a Place Where They Fix That, Too

Eu­ro hip­ster #1: I got the soles of my shoes fixed.
Eu­ro hip­ster #2: Your what?
Eu­ro hip­ster #1 #1: You know, the soles of my shoes. The bot­toms.
Eu­ro hip­ster #2: I do not know this word.
Eu­ro hip­ster #1: You know, S‑O-U‑L.
Eu­ro hip­ster #2: Ah, like ass-soul?

–New York Sports Club, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Lizzy Ve­gas

It’s Like a Bless­ing from God

Woman to guy, about guys mak­ing moves on drunk girls they are friends with: So, why do you guys do some­thing like that? It nev­er works.
Guy: Sure, 9 times out of 10 it does­n’t work, but that one time you score.
Woman: But aren’t those oth­er 9 times re­al­ly awk­ward and dam­ag­ing to your friend­ship?
Man: Yeah, but there’s that one time where you get sex you re­al­ly weren’t ex­pect­ing!

–Fid­dle­sticks Bar

Wednes­day One-lin­ers: Ques­tions

Fat old la­dy: Do you hap­pen to know who wrong the song “Who Let the Dogs Out”?

–Barnes & No­ble, 22nd Street

Old woman: What do you want me to talk about? You don’t want to hear about my dog. You don’t want to hear about my cat. What else is there to talk about?

–N train

Over­heard by: Nim G

Blue­blood woman: Yes­ter­day I was in here and got 2 tomatoes and left them here. Have they been found?

–Bleeck­er Street gro­cery

She’s Used to All That Pseu­do-Ital­ian Crap

Woman #1, point­ing to small­est cup: So, what size is this?
Barista: That’s a small.
Woman #1: And what size is this?
Barista: That’s a medi­um.
Woman #1: And so what size is this?
Barista: That’s a large.
Woman #2: Wow, this has been the most fas­ci­nat­ing ex­change I’ve heard in quite some time.

–9th St Espres­so, East Vil­lage

Over­heard by: Shanka­li­cious

Raise Your Hand If You Know Some­one Who Did

Girl #1: We did some pret­ty kinky stuff last night.
Girl #2: How kinky?
Girl #1: He came while do­ing it in the butt!
Girl #2: Re­al­ly? Can you get preg­nant from that?

–2nd & 67th