Archive for 2019

…I’ll Just Re­move My Pants, In­stead

Girl #1: It’s so hot in here! I wan­na take off my shirt!
Girl #2: (laugh­ing) so take it off.
Girl #1: I did­n’t mean it like that, I have a tank top un­der­neath.
Girl #2: So take it off.
Girl #1: No! I’m not wear­ing a bra.

–Queens Col­lege li­brary

Su­per­poke! Wednes­day Has Thrown a One-Lin­er at You!

Frus­trat­ed styl­ist on com­put­er: How do you spell “Google”?

–Dra­mat­ics Hair Sa­lon

Hot Asian woman: She has­n’t even post­ed her face on Face­book!

–88th & 2nd

Over­heard by: Sam H.

Teen to friend: My mom still has­n’t Face­booked me back about tak­ing care of my dog.

–Bed­ford Ave

Over­heard by: kayt

Soror­i­ty girl: Like…oh my god. We should write about our­selves on Juicy Cam­pus and see what oth­er peo­ple say.

–Class­room, NYU

Over­heard by: An­gela

Mid­dle-aged jan­i­tor: You’ve got to try that in­ter­net! It has every­thing!

–Mo­MA

Over­heard by: Cristi­na

Hope You Had a Hap­py In­de­pen­dence Day, NY

A cou­ple watched the fire­works.

Wife: Oh my god! They was so close! I got ash­es in my hair! Ash­es in my face! They were all over the fuck­ing place!
Hus­band: Too bad they weren’t shootin’ off corned beef!

–Green­point

Over­heard by: Gurn­son­ian the Less­er

Guy: The smell of fire­works al­ways re­minds me of fuck­ing a dead hook­er.

–Mc­Car­ren Park, Williams­burg

Over­heard by: Dan

Stew­ardess: To all US cit­i­zens aboard this flight, hap­py 4th of Ju­ly. We would like to thank Eng­land for di­vorc­ing us sev­er­al cen­turies ago and giv­ing us our in­de­pen­dence!

–JFK flight in­to Heathrow

Over­heard by: Jeanne Fu

Girl #1: Are you able to go on your roof to watch the Ma­cy’s fire­works?
Girl #2: I don’t even know if my build­ing has a roof.

–Brook­lyn Heights

Over­heard by: Room 3

Girl on cell: How the hell am I sup­posed to know what time the fire­works start? Who do you think I am, Amer­i­ca?

–Cob­ble Hill

Over­heard by: Chris

The Eter­nal Ques­tion

Teen boy: No, re­al­ly, she scares me.
Teen girl: Is that why you tell peo­ple you are gay?
Teen boy: What? No!
Teen girl: Are you gay?
Teen boy: I just don’t want to have a girl­friend.
Teen girl: What if she on­ly want­ed to have sex?
Teen boy: I am a good per­son. I have morals.
Teen girl: What if she had big­ger boobs?

–R train

Test­ing, Wednes­day One, Two, Three-Lin­ers

Prin­ci­pal, over PA sys­tem: At­ten­tion: We are test­ing out the PA sys­tem. If you don’t hear this, please call the of­fice.

–Pub­lic School

An­nounc­er on 6 train (which was be­ing held at the sta­tion): At­ten­tion ladies and gen­tle­men. (pause) Does this thing even work?

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: Your Mom

Cop, over mega­phone from pa­trol car: At­ten­tion peo­ple in the park, we think you are all drunk. Whether legal­ly or il­le­gal­ly, please, va­cate the area. (a few min­utes lat­er, af­ter dri­ving around the foun­tain) Peo­ple in the foun­tain, don’t think we can’t see you…don’t use stargaz­ing as your ex­cuse be­cause there’s too much light pol­lu­tion!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: In the foun­tain

Con­duc­tor over PA: At­ten­tion pas­sen­gers. Acts of pugilism are not al­lowed on this train.
(two min­utes lat­er) At­ten­tion pas­sen­gers. This is just a re­minder that acts of for­ni­ca­tion or fel­la­tio are not al­lowed on this train.

–Post Mid­night Drunk Train, LIRR

Over­heard by: Rob T Fire­fly

Ner­vous voice on build­ing PA sys­tem: Can I have your at­ten­tion, please? Can I have your at­ten­tion, please? Please dis­re­gard this mes­sage.

–Third Ave & b/w 50th & 51st

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Run This City

Con­duc­tor: At­ten­tion! You’ve board­ed the ghet­to ex­press. Next stop, Deep Ghet­to. If you’re try­ing to go to any of the Ghet­to Light ar­eas, please trans­fer at this stop for the Ghet­to Lo­cal. Thank you!

–5 train, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Sil­vy

Con­duc­tor: This is Fifth Av­enue. Trans­fer here for… Aw, hell, there ain’t no trans­fer here. Get in the damn train.

–E train from JFK, around 5th Ave

Over­heard by: ntr­prnr

Con­duc­tor: Okay every­one, we’re go­ing to evac­u­ate the train now. Just stay calm. This is­n’t the Ti­tan­ic. I re­peat, this is not the Ti­tan­ic.

–Acela, to NYC

Over­heard by: The Ti­tan­ic was on-time

Con­duc­tor: Board the train so the doors can close. [Girls slow­ly shuf­fle around doors.] You must phys­i­cal­ly board the train to ride. The plat­form does not move.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: NC­trans­plant­Girl

Con­duc­tor, very po­lite­ly: Ladies and gen­tle­men, please stand clear of the clos­ing doors so this train can leave the sta­tion. Thank you. [Lat­er, not as po­lite­ly] Sir, maybe the fact that you have to hold on to the out­side of the car to stay in­side is a sign that you should wait for the next train!

–Crowd­ed Bronx-bound 6 train

Over­heard by: Chris

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, I don’t re­al­ly care if we pull up to the sta­tion and your car door does­n’t open. If you don’t lis­ten, I don’t re­al­ly care. Not my prob­lem any­more, folks! I said it once and I ain’t say­ing it again!

–LIRR, Ja­maica sta­tion

Over­heard by: com­muter

Con­duc­tor: Y’all, these suck­ahs gon’ be on this train for hours!

–1 train