Archive for 2019

You and That Skin Infection Were Meant for Each Other

Lady: So, are you giving them gifts this year?
Fat woman with afro: Ugh, I just spent 300 dollars on my tattoo. I can’t afford it.
Lady: Oh, really?
Fat woman with afro: You know, in Amsterdam tattoos are covered by the government. It’s part of the health plan.
Lady: Wow.
Fat woman with afro: I mean, why should I pay 600 dollars for emergency health insurance when I’d rather that money be spent on my tattoo? I don’t go to the hospital. It doesn’t make sense.
Lady: Uh-huh… I see what you mean.

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Elise L.

Boys Take Non-Poking Very Literally

Teen girl: I was so mad at him that I unfriended him on Facebook.
Friend: What does that mean?
Teen girl: I was mad, but not mad enough to break up. This way we can still message each other, but he can't poke me anymore.
Friend: So, technically, would this be symbolic or metaphorical action?
Teen girl: What?
Friend: Nevermind.

–Penn Station

These Days He Sells Mortgage-Backed Securities

Well-dressed middle aged woman #1: Do you know him?
Well-dressed middle aged woman #2: Yeah, I bought heroin from him once a long time ago.
Well-dressed middle aged woman #1: Oh, so you do know him?
Well-dressed middle aged woman #2: Yeah, but I don't think he likes me; I didnt have enough money for it so I just gave him what I had, and never called again.

–1st '& 1st

Lick My Wednesday One-Liner, Bitch!

20-something hot girl to another: Well, if there was Kool-Aid on your butt, wouldn't you lick it?

–42nd & Broadway

Drunk girl: I would totally lick that off the table if I was more drunker.

–71st & 1st

Man on cell: I don't speak fucking German. I put my tongue in butts. I lick fucking clitorises.

–135th & Malcolm X

Mom to misbehaving son: You are not to lick your brother's tongue. You are not to lick your brother's face. I will leave you on the train tracks and you can find your way to the zoo yourself. Now, get it together.

–F Train

Wednesday One-Liners Are Breakin' Outta This Joint, See?

Guy in crowded holding room for Hair audition: This is like gay prison.

–Ripley Grier Studios

Small white jewish girl: Oh my god, I would leave my boyfriend for Lil Wayne in a second. Now that he's in jail, I think I'm going to start writing him letters.

–NYU

Overheard by: kpan

Heavyset black kid: Remember, the police will take your dead body to jail.

–Q Train

Thuggy black dude: Naw, I ain't goin' to jail tonight–not for no black girl. Now if she was white…

–E Train

Overheard by: Tallwhiteboy

Ghetto girl to another: Girl, you gotta stop buying things for him. He's in jail.

–Astor Place K-Mart

Overheard by: Elliot

All Couples Eventually Become Lesbian Couples, Anyway

Girl #1: Man, I am so excited to just move.
Boy: When you move in with me, can we get a Chia pet?
Girl #2: Oh, girl, watch out. You get a Chia pet and it's a slippery slope. Next thing you know, you and Cliff will be wearing cat sweatshirts and writing fan fiction.
Boy: That's gonna happen in secret.
Girl #1: Whatever, bitch, we're gonna grow herbs.

–The Met