Dad: I’m not sleeping with the nanny.
Son: Right, and I totally did not sleep with my fourth step-mommy.
–Gift shop, 42nd St
Overheard by: ears/wide/open
Archive for 2019
What Passes for Exceptional Customer Service in This Town
Customer at deli called “Bagel”: So, do you serve bagels here?
Waitress: No, we actually serve sports gear, but the models next door sells bagels.
–Bagel Deli
Overheard by: Amanda
…I Am So Horny Right Now
Male student with can of ginger ale: Time to crack these nuts open.
(opens can in front of crotch. Foam and bubbles come out)
Male student: Aww, shit.
–Bard High School Early College Queens
Hey, I Barely Care about New York
Yuppie lady boasting about son: He graduated summa cum laude from Villanova!
Cashier: Vee-la-no-va? Is that in New York?
Yuppie lady: No, it’s in–
Cashier, interrupting: –Yeah, then I don’t care.
–Clothing store, 54th & 5th
We Should Start Requiring Passports
B&T girl #1: Ow, my ears just popped.
B&T girl #2: Yeah, that’s because we just went into the Lincoln tunnel.
–LIRR, East River
Wednesday One-Liners Ride a Vespa
Hipster on cell: I’m not even buying anything. I’m just here to be seen.
–Trader Joe’s
Hipster boy: I loves me some master race!
–Lobby, the Met
Overheard by: Shayna
Tipsy hipster girl: Wine is so, like, the blood of the gods!
–W 4th & Christopher St
Hipster guy: I think the most truly good person who’s ever been on this earth was Gandhi. Or maybe Martin Luther King, Junior… But he was black.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Ghandi was Indian..
Drunk chick: What kind of hipsters are you that you won’t fuck a girl just because she wants to wear a Sailor Moon costume?
–St. Mark’s Pl
He Acts Like He Doesn’t Enjoy the Sex with the Men
Woman: Your brother’s an actor? That’s so nice.
Man: Yeah, he’s really good. It’s a great play.
Woman: What’s the role?
Man: He plays this gay man who faces his own death.
Woman: Awww…
Man: But, I mean, he’s no faggot or anything. My brother’s just a really good actor.
–St. Mark’s & 3rd Avenue
I Hope That Line Didn’t Work
Girl: We can’t have sex until we get married.
Guy: Sex is a form of marriage.
Girl: But we’re not ready to get married.
Guy: Your mom.
–St. Marks & 3rd
Overheard by: spoons
You Should See Me Squeeze the Melons
Enraged hipster: Clearly, I am not a child!
Hipster friends: (silence)
Enraged hipster: I do my own grocery shopping!
–10th St & University Place
Overheard by: PotatoPuff
When Science Meets Religion
Guy: I'd like the two-for-one sundae deal.
Employee, agitated: It's not two-for-one!
Guy: It's not?
Employee: It's “buy one, get one free”!
–6th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Nacci