Archive for 2019

Para­praxic Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Guy: I had to swal­low… The whole thing!

–9th Ave & 44th St

Big guy: Did I tell you? The oth­er week­end I caught Jack­’s sausage!

–Du­ane Reed, Jack­son Heights

Over­heard by: Mrs. LeClair

Girl, on fire­fight­ers pack­ing equip­ment: Man, there’s a lot of hose out there!

–Hanover Square

Cus­tomer: If I’m go­ing to pay 20 dol­lars for a piece of meat, the least they can do is give me some­thing to wipe my face with.

–45th & Madi­son

Over­heard by: mad­nyc

One moth­er to an­oth­er, both push­ing strollers: He just won’t suck on any­thing else!

–5th Ave be­tween 8th & 9th St
Park Slope

Over­heard by: Wank­rupt

Dad in­struct­ing child: You kind of have to use your tongue to lap it up in­to your mouth.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: vm

Twelve-year-old girl on phone: There’s re­al­ly a lake called Tit­ty Ca­Ca!

–8th Ave &16th St

If We’ve Been Bad, New York Is Where We Go Af­ter Death

Young la­dy: I’m mak­ing a doc­u­men­tary on Park Slope. May I ask you why you are sit­ting on your um­brel­la? I can un­der­stand sit­ting un­der your um­brel­la, be­cause it’s sun­ny…
Young girl: In case there’s a flood, I’ll be able to float away.
Young la­dy: Do you ex­pect there to be a flood to­day?
Young girl: I ex­pect there to be a flood every day. But I’m from Mi­a­mi…

–Union St, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: nicole p

We’re Al­most Done With The Gates

Boy: This…cost $23 mil­lion.
Dad: There’s 23 miles of them!
Boy: Still, that’s a mil­lion dol­lars a mile!

Boy: Wait…so is the fab­ric pure saf­fron?
Mom: No no no, saf­fron is a spice.
Boy: Oh. The on­ly time I’d heard that be­fore was on Poke­mon, they had Saf­fron City.

Mom: It looks like they’re about to start march­ing!
Dad: They will, by Mon­day.
Boy: Wha?

–The Gates

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Thank God for Their Pig­gy Banks

Lit­tle boy,jumping up and down: The Dow Jones is up! The Dow Jones is up!

–86th & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: Some Ran­dom Girl

Crazy man, shout­ing at no one in par­tic­u­lar: Fuck the econ­o­my, your ass­hole just dropped 200 points!

–8th Ave & 19th St

Slack­er on a smoke break: Yeah, Mc­Cain said he is go­ing to sus­pend his cam­paign so that he can work on the econ­o­my. I mean, re­al­ly. It would be like me say­ing I’m sus­pend­ing my pot dis­tri­b­u­tion so that I can work on quan­tum physics.

–For­est Ave., Stat­en Is­land

Over­heard by: po­lit­i­cal lis­ten­er

Hobo on sub­way to man in suit: Spare change? Any­one? Spare change for the home­less? You look like you worked for Lehman Broth­ers, you’re ex­cused.

–51st St

Over­heard by: Kate

Can We at Least Agree That Two Whites Don’t Make a Wong?

High­ly ag­i­tat­ed gay man, bleach-blond, in­de­ter­mi­nate­ly bira­cial: My moth­er was black! She died in 1999!
Mid­dle aged black woman: Now, wait a sec­ond…
High­ly ag­i­tat­ed gay man: My moth­er was black and my fa­ther was Chi­nese!
Mid­dle aged black woman: Now, you just don’t wor­ry about them…
High­ly ag­i­tat­ed gay man: If I’m white, it’s be­cause my black moth­er was white!
Mid­dle aged black woman: Now you’re just bein’ crazy.

–Prospect Park, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: MPW

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Ain’t Got the Mon­ey, Hon­ey

Old­er man, to no one in par­tic­u­lar: That’s why I keep my in­come low, so no one jumps me.

–Myr­tle & Clin­ton, Brook­lyn

Woman with scratch-off lot­to card to friend: I won four dol­lars! I won four dol­lars! You know I can’t spend that, though. I got­ta get food for my kids. Those nig­gas be hun­gry!

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry

An­gel­ic-look­ing teen girl scream­ing in­to cell: Are you com­ing to the movies with me? You’re broke? Just mug some­one on the way. Mug some­one! (pause) Mug! M‑u-g! Rhymes with “thug”!

–Cham­bers & West St

Puer­to Ri­can dude on cell: I ain’t got no mon­ey. I got weed, but I ain’t got no mon­ey.

–25th St & 7th Ave

Vil­lage la­dy: She was in fore­clo­sure be­fore it was fash­ion­able to be in fore­clo­sure.

–Bleeck­er & Mer­cer

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers’ Home­towns Were Glad to See Them Go

Brit la­dy, to MTA booth la­dy: Two adults, please. We’ll be get­ting off around 58th Street.

–14th St F sta­tion

Over­heard by: Fid­get

Tourist: Ex­cuse me, does the F train stop here?

–Sub­way sand­wich­es, Hous­ton & Lafayette

Tourist woman, loud­ly: Jeany? How many stops are we go­ing on this train?

–Times Square shut­tle

Over­heard by: nev­er­mind

Tourist: Ex­cuse me, which way is it to Up­per Town?

–Broad­way & Worth

Over­heard by: dukes

Tourist: Is this now the Grand Canyon of the East Coast?

–Ground Ze­ro

Tourist: My plane does­n’t leave for 4 hours. Can I walk to the Stat­ue of Lib­er­ty from here?

–La Guardia Air­port

Over­heard by: Jose Her­nan­dez

Tourist, lead­ing a group of more than a dozen fel­low tourists: Okay, I… um…don’t know where we are now…Oh, wait! Yes I do! We’re at the South Street Sea­port!

–Union Square

Blonde: Look, there’s the Chrysler. Look, there’s Times Square. Where’s the Em­pire State Build­ing?

–Top of Em­pire State Build­ing

Over­heard by: eng­lish­man in new york

Tourist, to deck hand: I can’t see the Stat­ue of Lib­er­ty. Would you please move the lifeboat out of the way while I take a pic­ture?

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry

Over­heard by: Steven Low­ell