Man: You know that website called Overheardinnewyork.com?
Woman: No, I haven’t. What is it?
Man: Lame!
–Empire State Building
Archive for 2019
Parapraxic Wednesday One-Liners
Guy: I had to swallow… The whole thing!
–9th Ave & 44th St
Big guy: Did I tell you? The other weekend I caught Jack’s sausage!
–Duane Reed, Jackson Heights
Queens
Overheard by: Mrs. LeClair
Girl, on firefighters packing equipment: Man, there’s a lot of hose out there!
–Hanover Square
Customer: If I’m going to pay 20 dollars for a piece of meat, the least they can do is give me something to wipe my face with.
–45th & Madison
Overheard by: madnyc
One mother to another, both pushing strollers: He just won’t suck on anything else!
–5th Ave between 8th & 9th St
Park Slope
Overheard by: Wankrupt
Dad instructing child: You kind of have to use your tongue to lap it up into your mouth.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: vm
Twelve-year-old girl on phone: There’s really a lake called Titty CaCa!
–8th Ave &16th St
CIA: We’ve Really Missed Having You As an Enemy!
Test-taker: What happens if we don’t know our social security number?
Proctor, in thick Russian accent: Then we dismiss your test and eat you alive!
–Edward R. Murrow High, Brooklyn
Overheard by: melanie
If We’ve Been Bad, New York Is Where We Go After Death
Young lady: I’m making a documentary on Park Slope. May I ask you why you are sitting on your umbrella? I can understand sitting under your umbrella, because it’s sunny…
Young girl: In case there’s a flood, I’ll be able to float away.
Young lady: Do you expect there to be a flood today?
Young girl: I expect there to be a flood every day. But I’m from Miami…
–Union St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: nicole p
…So: Perfect!
Girl #1: Is this wearable?
Girl #2: Yes, if you are auditioning for a part as an intergalactic cowboy.
–55th & 6th
Overheard by: Carla H
We’re Almost Done With The Gates
Boy: This…cost $23 million.
Dad: There’s 23 miles of them!
Boy: Still, that’s a million dollars a mile!
Boy: Wait…so is the fabric pure saffron?
Mom: No no no, saffron is a spice.
Boy: Oh. The only time I’d heard that before was on Pokemon, they had Saffron City.
Mom: It looks like they’re about to start marching!
Dad: They will, by Monday.
Boy: Wha?
–The Gates
Wednesday One-Liners Thank God for Their Piggy Banks
Little boy,jumping up and down: The Dow Jones is up! The Dow Jones is up!
–86th & Lexington
Overheard by: Some Random Girl
Crazy man, shouting at no one in particular: Fuck the economy, your asshole just dropped 200 points!
–8th Ave & 19th St
Slacker on a smoke break: Yeah, McCain said he is going to suspend his campaign so that he can work on the economy. I mean, really. It would be like me saying I’m suspending my pot distribution so that I can work on quantum physics.
–Forest Ave., Staten Island
Overheard by: political listener
Hobo on subway to man in suit: Spare change? Anyone? Spare change for the homeless? You look like you worked for Lehman Brothers, you’re excused.
–51st St
Overheard by: Kate
Can We at Least Agree That Two Whites Don’t Make a Wong?
Highly agitated gay man, bleach-blond, indeterminately biracial: My mother was black! She died in 1999!
Middle aged black woman: Now, wait a second…
Highly agitated gay man: My mother was black and my father was Chinese!
Middle aged black woman: Now, you just don’t worry about them…
Highly agitated gay man: If I’m white, it’s because my black mother was white!
Middle aged black woman: Now you’re just bein’ crazy.
–Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: MPW
Wednesday One-Liners Ain’t Got the Money, Honey
Older man, to no one in particular: That’s why I keep my income low, so no one jumps me.
–Myrtle & Clinton, Brooklyn
Woman with scratch-off lotto card to friend: I won four dollars! I won four dollars! You know I can’t spend that, though. I gotta get food for my kids. Those niggas be hungry!
–Staten Island Ferry
Angelic-looking teen girl screaming into cell: Are you coming to the movies with me? You’re broke? Just mug someone on the way. Mug someone! (pause) Mug! M‑u-g! Rhymes with “thug”!
–Chambers & West St
Puerto Rican dude on cell: I ain’t got no money. I got weed, but I ain’t got no money.
–25th St & 7th Ave
Village lady: She was in foreclosure before it was fashionable to be in foreclosure.
–Bleecker & Mercer
Wednesday One-Liners’ Hometowns Were Glad to See Them Go
Brit lady, to MTA booth lady: Two adults, please. We’ll be getting off around 58th Street.
–14th St F station
Overheard by: Fidget
Tourist: Excuse me, does the F train stop here?
–Subway sandwiches, Houston & Lafayette
Tourist woman, loudly: Jeany? How many stops are we going on this train?
–Times Square shuttle
Overheard by: nevermind
Tourist: Excuse me, which way is it to Upper Town?
–Broadway & Worth
Overheard by: dukes
Tourist: Is this now the Grand Canyon of the East Coast?
–Ground Zero
Tourist: My plane doesn’t leave for 4 hours. Can I walk to the Statue of Liberty from here?
–La Guardia Airport
Overheard by: Jose Hernandez
Tourist, leading a group of more than a dozen fellow tourists: Okay, I… um…don’t know where we are now…Oh, wait! Yes I do! We’re at the South Street Seaport!
–Union Square
Blonde: Look, there’s the Chrysler. Look, there’s Times Square. Where’s the Empire State Building?
–Top of Empire State Building
Overheard by: englishman in new york
Tourist, to deck hand: I can’t see the Statue of Liberty. Would you please move the lifeboat out of the way while I take a picture?
–Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Steven Lowell
