Archive for 2019

But How Could He Know?

Guy: I don’t know what hap­pened. I was talk­ing to my room­mate, and then next thing I know, I’m sit­ting on the couch in front of the TV eat­ing peanut but­ter with a spoon. I don’t know how I got there.
Girl: Wow…Do you do that a lot?
Guy: What, black out?
Girl: No, eat peanut but­ter like that.
Guy: Oh, um…yeah, I guess so.

–G train, Green­point Ave

Over­heard by: G train en­thu­si­ast

She Was Quite Mod­est about It, Too

Teeny­bop­per #1: Ugh… I hate those over­ly-proud His­pan­ics!
Teeny­bop­per #2: They dri­ve me in­sane! They’re like, ‘Oh my god, Pa­pi, 100 per­cent Boricua! Hol­la at me!‘
Teeny­bop­per #1: Why can’t they speak good Eng­lish?
His­pan­ic woman: I be­lieve you mean to say, ‘Why can’t they speak Eng­lish well?‘
Teen boy: Owned!

–L train

Over­heard by: Laugh­ing to my­self

It’s the Of­fi­cial Restau­rant of Hell

Lit­tle boy: Do kids go to jail?
Mom: No, kids don’t go to jail.
Lit­tle boy: What if they kill some­one?
Mom: Well, when kids are re­al bad, some­times they go to ju­ve­nile, which is a sad place where they don’t let you do things you want.
Lit­tle boy: And they don’t feed you!!
Mom: Well, no, the kids there get fed. But maybe the food is­n’t very good.
Lit­tle boy, to him­self: They feed you Mc­Don­ald’s. Be­cause Mc­Don­ald’s is bad for you.

–Down­town 1 train, 50th St

Over­heard by: rid­ing the train

I See You Share My Af­flic­tion, Broth­er

Tick­et sell­er: Hey guy! Wan­na see a com­e­dy show?
Teenag­er: Sor­ry, I was born with­out a sense of hu­mor.
Tick­et sell­er: Go fuck your­self!

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Vin­ny B

Head­line by: To­by

Run­ners-Up:
· “It Would Have Been Fun­nier If He Was­n’t an Autis­tic Her­maph­ro­dite” — Pro­le
· “Jim­my Fal­lon Turns Down Tick­ets to His Own Show” — wal­ty
· “Now *That* Would Be Quite a Show…” — Green Star
· “Re­al­ly? I Was Born with Tour­rettes…” — Chad King

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test