Archive for 2019

How Vanil­la Ice Cream Be­comes a Choco­late Milk­shake

Man: This is no good. It’s sour. I want one that’s fresh.
Em­ploy­ee: I put ice cream and milk.
Man: I don’t care what you put in it. Maybe it’s the milk, maybe it’s the ice cream. You taste it, or bring out a man­ag­er to taste it, ei­ther way I want one that’s fresh.
Em­ploy­ee: You come to­mor­row. Speak with man­ag­er. Change with him.
Man: So what am I sup­posed to do? Stick this in my ass un­til to­mor­row?

–Baskin-Rob­bins, Ben­son­hurst

Over­heard by: Jenn Mi­laz­zo

Have You Seen Wednes­day? It’s To­tal­ly Had Its One-Lin­ers Done.

Woman on cell: I can’t be­lieve no one said any­thing… How could no one no­tice? It used to be sooooo crooked, and I spend all this mon­ey to get my nose fixed, and no one says any­thing?

–Nor­folk & Hous­ton

50-year-old la­dy: So are you still down for the Brazil­ian wax?

–45th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Chuch

Lit­tle girl, point­ing at some­one hav­ing their eye­brows thread­ed: Look! They’re sewing that wom­an’s face!

–14th St & 2nd Ave

Over­heard by: ken­zi

Or­ange la­dy: Is it like you def­i­nite­ly, for sure get can­cer from a tan­ning bed? Cause then I might stop.

–Park Slope

Over­heard by: Alex­is

Two Ki­los? She Wish­es

Black guy: Two for Akee­lah.
Ger­man girl­friend: What? What are you buy­ing? Two ki­los for what?
Black guy: No. Akee­lah.
Ger­man girl­friend: I don’t un­der­stand. Two ki­los of what? That makes no sense.
Black guy, rolling his eyes: No! Akee­lah! Akee­lah!. Akee­lah! Two for Akee­lah!
Ger­man girl­friend: I still don’t un­der­stand.
Black guy: Akee­lah and the frickin’ Bee!!!
Ger­man girl­friend: OHH­H­HH!

–Union Square Sta­di­um 14, Broad­way & 13th

He’s Baaaack!

Strange guy: Ex­cuse me, NYU stu­dents?
Guy #1: Yeah?
Strange guy: I’m your biggest ri­val.
Guy #1: Huh?
Strange guy: Co­lum­bia. Law school. I’m com­ing for you.
Guy #1: Okay…
Strange guy: Em­ploy­er sees ré­sumé from NYU, ré­sumé from Co­lum­bia, al­ways picks Co­lum­bia.
Guy #1: Okay. Have a nice day.
Strange guy: I’m com­ing for you, trust fund ba­by.
Guy #2: I’m sure that Co­lum­bia ré­sumé makes up for not hav­ing a pe­nis…
Guy #1: Trust fund ba­by?
Strange guy: Co­lum­bia. [Flicks them off and leaves.]

–Star­bucks, As­tor Pl & Lafayette

Over­heard by: NYU Stu­dent