Archive for 2019

Trust Us, Ein­stein: The Girl’s On To You, See?

Man: I want to change my ac­cess code. My girl’s got my ac­cess code and I don’t want her to have it no more. I don’t want her see­ing my mes­sages, see?
Cus­tomer ser­vice la­dy: OK. But that’s a Sprint phone.
Man: So?
Woman: This is the Ver­i­zon store.
Man: Oh. Re­al­ly?

–Ver­i­zon, 86th be­tween Lex­ing­ton & 3rd

Over­heard by: Car­olyn

Okay, That Comes With Al­mond Milk

Guest #1: For me, I’ll have the por­ridge.
Serv­er: Okay, that’s comes with al­mond milk.
Guest #1: So, is that a kind of soy milk?
Serv­er: No. Well, it’s like soy milk, I mean, they’re made about the same way on­ly this is made with al­monds.
Guest #1: So, there is soy in al­mond milk?
Guest #2: No, she told it was made with al­monds.
Serv­er: No, there are no soy­beans in al­mond milk.
Guest #1: Oh, okay. I’ll have the por­ridge.

–Restau­rant, Union Square

Hey, Wednes­day, Your One-Lin­er Is Show­ing!

Mid­dle-aged woman, an­gri­ly on cell: You tell him to go out­side right now, and take his clothes off!

–32nd St & Park Ave

Over­heard by: djlori

Girl to friend: All of a sud­den there’s a naked man! Like, this does­n’t trans­late well vi­su­al­ly.

–Up­town 1 Train

Suit on cell: How about I send you two naked kids to have a good time? Fair enough?

–60th St & Colum­bus Ave

Over­heard by: Stacey V

Girl on phone: Top­less an­ar­chy is still an­ar­chy, man.

–5 Train

Short dude to friend: I woke up naked and wrapped in cellophane–again!

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Fresh­ly-Mint­ed Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

An­noy­ing Jer­sey girl on cell: I’m not fru­gal. I’m, like, not fru­gal with a vengeance. I, like, refuse to con­sid­er mon­ey.

–19th & 8th

Over­heard by: Hobo

Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty ad­min­is­tra­tor: It gets dif­fi­cult to man­age fi­nances as your en­dow­ment reach­es the size of the GDP of a small coun­try.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Sen­a­tore

Bike mes­sen­ger (yelling): Could any­body spare $50,000?

–6th Ave & 20th St

Over­heard by: thiess

Man: I mean, what does does she *re­al­ly* get out of rid­ing a five thou­sand dol­lar scoot­er?

–Out­side Think Cof­fee

Over­heard by: ne­mi­ly

Suit on cell: You see, the thing with mon­ey coun­ters is they jam…and when you are in a room­ful of il­lit­er­ate afghans, there’s 8 mil­lion on the ta­ble and they mis­trust you.

–Mer­cer & Grand

Pro­fes­sor: I bet none of you wrote that in your ad­mis­sions es­say. “I want mon­ey.” Ac­tu­al­ly, that might be suc­cess­ful. They might think, “hey, that’s pret­ty cool, they’re telling the truth.”

–NYU Law

Wines­day One-Lin­ers

Suit on cell: Does the cham­pagne have to be kosher?

–42nd St

Over­heard by: Es­toye

20-some­thing girl to moth­er: Church is­n’t a bar, but it serves wine and crack­ers!

–46th St & Park Ave

Over­heard by: Mol­ly

Guy on cell: Yeah, the doc­tor said she has like 400 allergies–to things she’s been around her whole life. (pause) Like red wine, and choco­late… and the col­or blue.

–71st St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: I Should Mind My Own Busi­ness

Guy at bar: 3:00 pm on a Fri­day. It’s like the Hoot­ers of wine bars.

–Sweet & Vi­cious

Over­heard by: pan­darants

Vague­ly Chris­t­ian Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Crazy home­less guy: Ya see, I don’t like the Bap­tists, be­cause I’m a Ro­man Catholic. But I would hire a Bap­tist man, be­cause I like the dough­nuts.

–4 train

Over­heard by: Russ Wall

Lit­tle boy skip­ping: I did not com­mit a sin!

–Cen­tral Park

Yup­pie chick on cell: It’s re­al­ly easy to con­vert to Protes­tantism. All you have to do is kill a few Catholics, Mar­tin Luther King style. Okay, I got­ta go, I have a train to catch.

–Mon­tague St, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: I’d like to know where she stud­ied his­to­ry

Man bow­ing head: Hail Mary, full of– ah, fuck it.

–North­bound Q train