Archive for 2019

Okay, That Comes With Almond Milk

Guest #1: For me, I'll have the porridge.
Server: Okay, that's comes with almond milk.
Guest #1: So, is that a kind of soy milk?
Server: No. Well, it's like soy milk, I mean, they're made about the same way only this is made with almonds.
Guest #1: So, there is soy in almond milk?
Guest #2: No, she told it was made with almonds.
Server: No, there are no soybeans in almond milk.
Guest #1: Oh, okay. I'll have the porridge.

–Restaurant, Union Square

Hey, Wednesday, Your One-Liner Is Showing!

Middle-aged woman, angrily on cell: You tell him to go outside right now, and take his clothes off!

–32nd St & Park Ave

Overheard by: djlori

Girl to friend: All of a sudden there's a naked man! Like, this doesn't translate well visually.

–Uptown 1 Train

Suit on cell: How about I send you two naked kids to have a good time? Fair enough?

–60th St & Columbus Ave

Overheard by: Stacey V

Girl on phone: Topless anarchy is still anarchy, man.

–5 Train

Short dude to friend: I woke up naked and wrapped in cellophane–again!

–Columbia University

Freshly-Minted Wednesday One-Liners

Annoying Jersey girl on cell: I'm not frugal. I'm, like, not frugal with a vengeance. I, like, refuse to consider money.

–19th & 8th

Overheard by: Hobo

Columbia University administrator: It gets difficult to manage finances as your endowment reaches the size of the GDP of a small country.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Senatore

Bike messenger (yelling): Could anybody spare $50,000?

–6th Ave & 20th St

Overheard by: thiess

Man: I mean, what does does she *really* get out of riding a five thousand dollar scooter?

–Outside Think Coffee

Overheard by: nemily

Suit on cell: You see, the thing with money counters is they jam…and when you are in a roomful of illiterate afghans, there's 8 million on the table and they mistrust you.

–Mercer & Grand

Professor: I bet none of you wrote that in your admissions essay. "I want money." Actually, that might be successful. They might think, "hey, that's pretty cool, they're telling the truth."

–NYU Law

Winesday One-Liners

Suit on cell: Does the champagne have to be kosher?

–42nd St

Overheard by: Estoye

20-something girl to mother: Church isn't a bar, but it serves wine and crackers!

–46th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: Molly

Guy on cell: Yeah, the doctor said she has like 400 allergies–to things she's been around her whole life. (pause) Like red wine, and chocolate… and the color blue.

–71st St & Broadway

Overheard by: I Should Mind My Own Business

Guy at bar: 3:00 pm on a Friday. It's like the Hooters of wine bars.

–Sweet & Vicious

Overheard by: pandarants

Vaguely Christian Wednesday One-Liners

Crazy homeless guy: Ya see, I don’t like the Baptists, because I’m a Roman Catholic. But I would hire a Baptist man, because I like the doughnuts.

–4 train

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Little boy skipping: I did not commit a sin!

–Central Park

Yuppie chick on cell: It’s really easy to convert to Protestantism. All you have to do is kill a few Catholics, Martin Luther King style. Okay, I gotta go, I have a train to catch.

–Montague St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: I’d like to know where she studied history

Man bowing head: Hail Mary, full of– ah, fuck it.

–Northbound Q train