Archive for 2019

Most Peo­ple Take a Limo There

Woman: Does this bus go to the Gar­den?
Bus dri­ver: No, the M10 or 20 goes to Madi­son Square Gar­den.
Woman: Not that Gar­den; Olive Gar­den!

–M104 bus

Over­heard by: Suzanne Cerquone

Girl #1: I heard there’s this restau­rant that charges $500 for a plate.
Girl #2: Damn what they serv­ing, hu­man?

–Olive Gar­den, Times Square

Over­heard by: Kyle

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Like Their Women Like They Like Their Cof­fee: Hot, and with a Spoon in Them.

Hip­ster on cell: Dude, yeah, cof­fee gives me the shits too; but I’d rather have the shits than no cof­fee.

–Dunkin’ Donuts

Over­heard by: Mada­lyn

Po­et, sell­ing self-pub­lished book on train: We’re like Star­bucks cof­fee and bis­cot­ti; you’re tall and hot and I’m hard and nut­ty.

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: Marc

Lit­tle girl to moth­er: It’s like every sin­gle per­son in the whole wide world came to Star­bucks and we were the veeeer­rrrryyy last ones.

–Star­bucks

Colonel Sanders-look­ing man, in strong South­ern ac­cent: I want some­thin cold… Whadya git?

–Star­bucks

At the Mi­cro­manag­ing Quar­ter­fi­nals

Tourist dad: So, if you had two hun­dred dol­lars and you could spend it in the city any way you want­ed to, what would you–
Small boy: –I’d buy roast­ed peanuts.
Tourist dad: What? No. Not peanuts.
Small boy: Why not? If it’s my mon­ey, I’m gonna spend it on peanuts!
Tourist dad, an­noyed: Fine, you can get the damn peanuts. What would you do with the rest of the mon­ey?
Small boy, think­ing: Well, that would leave me with… about a hun­dred and nine­ty dol­lars?
Tourist dad: No way. You are not buy­ing 10-dol­lar roast­ed peanuts.

–Broad­way

Over­heard by: amused pedes­tri­an

Now They Grow Up to Be Fly­ing Rats

Old­er woman: Mice grow up to be rats. I have mice.
Old­er guy: No, they don’t!
Old­er woman: Yes they do, mice grow up to be rats.
Old­er guy: No, they don’t! They’re dif­fer­ent species. They’re cousins.
Old­er woman: No, they aren’t!
Old­er guy: Yes, they are–they’re cousins, like rab­bits and squir­rels.
Old­er woman: No–mice grow up to be rats!
Old­er guy: No, they don’t! There are even dif­fer­ent species of rats. Ger­man rats,
Nor­we­gian rats…
Old­er woman: Okay, let’s change the subject–I hate rats.
Old­er guy: Do you know pi­geons have strokes?
Old­er woman: What?
Old­er guy: Pi­geons have strokes. They don’t last long, but they do.
Old­er woman: Uh…okay.
Old­er guy: Pi­geons learn to fly when they’re five weeks old.

–A Train

Is It Sick That I Wednes­day on Their One-Lin­ers?

Guy on phone: It’s prob­a­bly some­thing be­yond the bes­tial­i­ty in why you did­n’t get hired.

–4th & Lafayette

Over­heard by: andy

Dis­em­bod­ied voice in crowd: Necrophil­ia, re­al­ly?

–Times Square

Man: The thing is: my safe­ty word is “No, hard­er, hard­er.”

–NY Com­ic Con

Girl: No, se­ri­ous­ly, my par­ents used to have like a har­ness and a leash for me, be­cause I used to run away in the air­port all the time.

–Ford­ham Law School

Girl to friend: Hot wax and genitals…either very good, or very, very bad.

–1st Ave & 11th St

Over­heard by: Will

Guy: Great. She does­n’t even know me and al­ready she thinks I have a pro­duce fetish.

–Whole Foods, Chelsea

Over­heard by: Hunter (aka,