Archive for 2019

Sit Your Ass Down, You Over­com­pli­ant Child

Moth­er to son, at se­mi-crowd­ed sub­way: Where’s Al­liyah?
Son: I don’t know, some­where over there.
Moth­er: Al­liyah!
(Al­liyah walks over)
Moth­er: Where were you?
Al­liyah: Over there.
Moth­er: Sit­ting down?
Al­liyah: Yeah.
Moth­er: Then why’d you get up?
Al­liyah: (shakes head and rolls eyes)

–F Train

Over­heard by: Re­spect is rel­a­tive

NYC Rules Re­quire at Least One Per­son to Drop the F‑Bomb

Hot hip­pie chick: Ex­cuse me, you need a hand?
Old blind man: Nah, I’m just get­ting to the n train. Thanks so much, though!
Hot hip­pie chick: Al­right, you have a great day!
Blind man: Same to you!
Over­look­ing suit to friend: Nice New Yorkers…they just blow my mind.

–Union Square Sub­way Sta­tion

Falling Down Rad­i­cal­ized Him

Man #1: Yeah, I’m al­ways get­ting blamed by some­one for every­thing be­cause I’m the man. Fat, white, mid­dle-aged guy in a suit. Yep, it’s my fault.
Man #2: The Texas ac­cent does­n’t help, ei­ther.

–E train, 42nd St

Over­heard by: Yeah it is prob­a­bly his fault

Wednes­day RU-486-Lin­ers

Guy on cell: That’s the good thing about abortions–you can have like three a day.

–14th St & 6th Ave

Ghet­to dude: I told her, I was like “if you get preg­nant you best get an abor­tion, cause I ain’t help­ing you with that shit.” I mean, I would help her, but I got­ta get that shit in her head.

–N Train

Over­heard by: Jill

30-some­thing woman to boyfriend: There be some mutha­fuckas up in here who think this shit some form of birth con­trol. I’m woman enough; I gave birth to six kids. I ain’t doin’ it again.

–Abor­tion Clin­ic, Queens

Crazy guy on sub­way, preach­ing: You know why there’s 100 mil­lion Mex­i­cans in Amer­i­ca? Abor­tion!

–W Train

Though I’d Rather Hei­di Klum Woke Me Up

Wife: I think we might need a stiff drink af­ter this.
Hus­band: (does­n’t re­spond)
Wife: It’s sup­posed to be sad.
Hus­band: I think I want to take a nap now.
Wife: Do you want me to wake you up when the show starts?
Hus­band: (grunts)
Wife: Was that a yes or a no?
Hus­band: Yes.

–Cher­ry Lane The­atre

Over­heard by: Emi­ly B.

So That’s What Hap­pened to the Ghost of Rod­ney Dan­ger­field.

Woman #1: Have you ever been with a mar­ried man?
Woman #2: No. Not even when I was mar­ried.

–23rd & 9th Ave

Over­heard by: C‑Belle

Head­line by: Rob

Run­ners-Up:
· “…But My Hus­band Has.” — Jen
· “Among the More Com­mon Tran­sex­u­al Para­dox­es” — Leary Blaine
· “I Could Nev­er Sched­ule an Ap­point­ment With His Sec­re­tary” — Liz­zay
· “I Knew There Was a Rea­son I Should­n’t Have Mar­ried a Priest…” — Lukas
· “What Are You Try­ing to Say, Mom?” — dazed and con­fused

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test