Customer: Excuse me, do you know where the croutons are?
Whole Foods maintenance guy: Croutons? That some kind of vegetable or something?
–Whole Foods, Houston St
Archive for 2019
Sit Your Ass Down, You Overcompliant Child
Mother to son, at semi-crowded subway: Where’s Alliyah?
Son: I don’t know, somewhere over there.
Mother: Alliyah!
(Alliyah walks over)
Mother: Where were you?
Alliyah: Over there.
Mother: Sitting down?
Alliyah: Yeah.
Mother: Then why’d you get up?
Alliyah: (shakes head and rolls eyes)
–F Train
Overheard by: Respect is relative
And Everyone Sounds Fucking Retarded When They’re Overheard.
Hipster boy, texting: So is it “in-” or “impregnate”?
Hipster girl: I’m pretty sure it’s “impregnate.“
Hipster boy: Impregnate? Like an imp?
Hipster girl: Everyone hearing you thinks you’re fucking retarded.
Hipster boy: Well, at least I’m not an imp.
–PATH Train
NYC Rules Require at Least One Person to Drop the F‑Bomb
Hot hippie chick: Excuse me, you need a hand?
Old blind man: Nah, I’m just getting to the n train. Thanks so much, though!
Hot hippie chick: Alright, you have a great day!
Blind man: Same to you!
Overlooking suit to friend: Nice New Yorkers…they just blow my mind.
–Union Square Subway Station
Wednesday One-liners Need to Know
Girl: What happens to the leaves if you just leave them on the ground? They just die, right?
–Central Park
Overheard by: Vera Farrelly
Falling Down Radicalized Him
Man #1: Yeah, I’m always getting blamed by someone for everything because I’m the man. Fat, white, middle-aged guy in a suit. Yep, it’s my fault.
Man #2: The Texas accent doesn’t help, either.
–E train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Yeah it is probably his fault
Wednesday RU-486-Liners
Guy on cell: That’s the good thing about abortions – you can have like three a day.
–14th St & 6th Ave
Ghetto dude: I told her, I was like “if you get pregnant you best get an abortion, cause I ain’t helping you with that shit.” I mean, I would help her, but I gotta get that shit in her head.
–N Train
Overheard by: Jill
30-something woman to boyfriend: There be some muthafuckas up in here who think this shit some form of birth control. I’m woman enough; I gave birth to six kids. I ain’t doin’ it again.
–Abortion Clinic, Queens
Crazy guy on subway, preaching: You know why there’s 100 million Mexicans in America? Abortion!
–W Train
Though I’d Rather Heidi Klum Woke Me Up
Wife: I think we might need a stiff drink after this.
Husband: (doesn’t respond)
Wife: It’s supposed to be sad.
Husband: I think I want to take a nap now.
Wife: Do you want me to wake you up when the show starts?
Husband: (grunts)
Wife: Was that a yes or a no?
Husband: Yes.
–Cherry Lane Theatre
Overheard by: Emily B.
So That’s What Happened to the Ghost of Rodney Dangerfield.
Woman #1: Have you ever been with a married man?
Woman #2: No. Not even when I was married.
–23rd & 9th Ave
Overheard by: C‑Belle
Headline by: Rob
Runners-Up:
· “…But My Husband Has.” — Jen
· “Among the More Common Transexual Paradoxes” — Leary Blaine
· “I Could Never Schedule an Appointment With His Secretary” — Lizzay
· “I Knew There Was a Reason I Shouldn’t Have Married a Priest…” — Lukas
· “What Are You Trying to Say, Mom?” — dazed and confused
Or Rubber and Easily Stored?
Black teen #1: I got a new girlfriend.
Black teen #2: Is she nice and thick or big and nasty?
–J train
