Archive for 2019

Nah, She’s Fak­ing the Hys­te­ria, Too

Boyfriend: I’m sor­ry, I just can’t be with you any­more. You’re too clingy.
Girl­friend: I’m not clingy! I fucked, like, ten oth­er guys!
Boyfriend: While we were dat­ing?
Girl­friend: What­ev­er, it was be­cause you’re not that good in bed. Oh, yeah, I faked all my or­gasms, by the way. And my boobs? –Aren’t wa­ter bal­loons!
Boyfriend: Dude. First of all, we’re on a moth­er­fuck­ing-packed sub­way. Sec­ond of all, be­ing a crazy bitch is­n’t go­ing to help your case.
Girl­friend starts cry­ing hys­ter­i­cal­ly: You can’t break up with me! I love you! I love you! I love you!
Stranger, to boyfriend: If you’re think­ing of killing your­self af­ter this, I sell knives.

–Brook­lyn-bound L train

I Did­n’t Know I Was Wednes­day One-Linered

Smok­ing man to an­oth­er: I’ve heard be­ing preg­nant is re­al­ly bad for your health.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: CS

Large black woman: An’ I been tellin’ him I got all these ideas for t‑shirts… Like one for a preg­nant la­dy that says “Con­grat­u­la­tions, you’re not the dad­dy!”

–BX12 Bus

Over­heard by: shayshay

NYU boy on cell: Wait, you’re preg­nant? You’re preg­nant!? I thought you were just fat. (pause) But he said he did­n’t come in you, just on your face.

–Union Square

Woman to date: Let’s go get preg­nant!

–San­tos Par­ty House, Lafayette St

Over­heard by: al­isa

I Hear Jig­saw Loves Self-De­struc­tive Gym Bun­nies

Young woman: I re­al­ly want a boyfriend who is mean, who can say that, “I’m gonna kill him” and then looks down at his hand, and that laughs.
Old­er woman nods.
Young woman: You know, like those vil­lians in movies with that grin, not the crazy ones who laugh but the ones who grin.

–NYU gym lock­er room

Raise Your Hand If You’re Crav­ing a Burg­er Now

Hot girl #1: And he said, “I hate that bitch, I wish she’d eat an Aids burg­er and die!“
Hot girl #2: He said that?
Hot girl #1: Yep, that’s what he says when he’s hat­ing on peo­ple: “I wish she’d eat an Aids burg­er and die.“
Hot girl #2: Well, at least he’s say­ing what I’m think­ing… That’s like when I see an anorex­ic girl, I’m like, “I just wan­na shove a burg­er down that bitch’s throat.“
Hot girl #1: Oh, well, I’m not think­ing that. I’m just like, “I wan­na break her bones.”
(they laugh)
Hot girl #1: It’s true! I’m like, “I just wan­na blow gen­tly, and watch you blow away.”

–L Train

Over­heard by: Eden Twi­light

Usu­al­ly There’s a Gru­elling Ap­pli­ca­tion Process

Queer: I am not pay­ing for the ap­pe­tiz­er, be­cause it came out at the same time as our en­tree and it should have come out be­fore.
Ghet­to wait­ress: You have to pay for it, be­cause I brought it out.
Queer: Well, when you don’t get mon­ey for it don’t be alarmed!
Ghet­to wait­ress: You’re lucky you even got your food!

–Din­er, 51st & 9th

Over­heard by: Rich

The Dark­er Side of Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Woman: You need to swim as much as pos­si­ble to keep the evil away.

–River­bank State Park

Guy: Don’t they have a spe­cial sec­tion for peo­ple in jail?

–Hall­mark, 23rd Street

Over­heard by: nj

Grand­fa­ther: If you don’t lis­ten, I’m nev­er tak­ing you any­place else dan­ger­ous again.

–Belvedere Cas­tle

Guy: Yeah, I had to put my foot down. I de­cid­ed it’s not okay for my kids to play with firearms any­more.

–4 train

Suit on cell: Blood is very, very chic.

–85th & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: Har­ri

Guy on cell: How should I know who’s go­ing to be there?…Why do you care who’s go­ing to be there? It’s a fu­ner­al, not a fuck­ing so­cial event.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Cia­ran

Woman on cell: Dude, I have a sha­gadel­ic au­ra, be­cause they fucked all night when they were here. That’s why I sold them.

–Coney Is­land

Over­heard by: Se­le­nay

Suit: Man, I was up­state last week, fuck that clean air shit.

–62nd & Colum­bus

Over­heard by: Tabitha

Guy: We’re all Cannabis. We get the chance, we’ll eat each oth­er.

–Ku­do Beans, 1st Av­enue

Queer: Oh, I for­got to fuck­ing tell you. I sold my soul for $150.

–Christo­pher Street

… And Pa­tron­ize Our Ven­dors

A tourist mom with three teens in tow halts in the mid­dle of the block, caus­ing two suits and sev­er­al oth­er peo­ple to crash in­to them.

Suit #1: For the love of God, move, you id­iots! There are peo­ple walk­ing be­hind you!
Tourist mom: You don’t have to be so rude!
Suit #2: He’s rude? You clear­ly see this is a busy side­walk, and yet you stop dead in the mid­dle and block all traf­fic!
Tourist mom: He did­n’t have to say it so rude — we are not from around here!
Suit #1: And does that some­how ex­cuse your be­ing id­iots and stop­ping in the mid­dle of a busy street?
Tourist mom: At least we are not so rude in Ten­nessee!
Suit #2: That ex­plains the id­io­cy, but it still is­n’t an ex­cuse.
Tourist mom: That was un­nec­es­sary!
Suit #1: Per­haps, but it’s true.
Suit #2: Here, maybe this is more po­lite: Wel­come to New York. Slow walk­ing id­iots prone to stop­ping for no rea­son stay to the fuck­ing right of busy side­walks, and don’t get in the way of the non-men­tal­ly im­paired lo­cals. Now fuck off.

–50th & 6th

Got Any Sack-Hy­giene Tips?

Frat boy #1: So, this chick loves to suck my balls.
Frat boy #2: Dude, you told us that, like, sev­en times.
Frat boy #3: Yeah, I’m be­gin­ning to think you’re ly­ing.
Frat boy #1: But now I got­ta re­al­ly lath­er up down there.

–Pool bar

Over­heard by: Scotched