Mother: How’s your pizza?
Little boy: Okay. It tasted better when I was high.
–Giorgio’s Pizza
Overheard by: ramona
Archive for 2019
That’s Going to Be Great Advice in Kindergarten
Little kid: Mommy…Mommmmmyyyyyy! I have got to poop!
Mom: Would you please just crap in your pants and quit screaming about it already!
–9th between 1st & A
Overheard by: Katie
Mr. Belvedere Left Us With a Huge Smile
Merchant Marine guy #1: Did you hear that there are like 75 swiss cheese deaths a year?
Merchant Marine guy #2: What? What do you mean?
Merchant Marine guy #1: It’s really rare, but sometimes there is a chemical reaction and the cheese blows up in people’s stomachs.
Merchant Marine guy #2: That has to be the worst death ever.
Merchant Marine guy #1: Or the best if the guy really loves cheese.
–LIRR
Somebody’s Been Crying ‘Wolf’ for Years
Fat man: My left retina just detached.
Friend, not even looking at him: You’ll be fine.
–Washington Square Park
It Seems Like They’re Both the Husband
Rollerblading chick #1: Jim was like totally cock-blocking me the other night.
Rollerblading chick #2: Well he is your husband.
–Watts Street & West Side Highway
The O’Reilly Factor, for Instance
Drunk #1 in video booth: There’s so many movies to choose from!
Drunk #2: I think I’m in a gay booth.
Drunk #1: This one’s from the point of view of a dick!
Disembodied voice: Isn’t everything?
–Peep Show, 8th Ave
Overheard by: just passing through
… If You Know What I Mean
Drunk NYU queer: Do you live in Rubin?
NYU girl: Yes.
Drunk NYU queer: On the 14th floor?
NYU girl: No, on the 11th floor.
Drunk NYU queer: The guy I’ve been dating is the RA on the 14th floor. Do you live on the 14th floor?
NYU girl: No, I live on the 11th floor, honey.
Drunk NYU queer: The guy I’ve been dating is the RA on the 14th floor. He is. His name is Dan. We ate apples together.
–A train
Overheard by: Leslie G.
The Little Wednesday One-Liner That Could
Cheerful female conductor: This is the express train. That means it’s not not not not not not not the local train. Don’t screw up.
–Metro-North Rail
Overheard by: Lynne
Conductor: Behold! This is Woodside! Change here for the former Shea Stadium, now Mets-Willets point. Have a great time!
–LIRR
Conductor: After Syosset, the next stop will be express, directly to Hunters Point Avenue. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.
–LIRR
Overheard by: morningcommute
Conductor: There is an uptown express train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don’t just stand there looking at it.
–Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Julie
Conductor, as doors open for passengers: Ladies and gentlemen, we know you’ve been waiting a long time for a train… (doors close abruptly) Wait for another.
–Q Train
Wednesday One-Liners Call It “Extreme Sharing”
20-something hipster to friend, punching him in the arm: Dude, you stole my Facebook status!
–Central Park
Overheard by: dude, just think up a new one!
Cable man to another, standing in line at Wendy’s: Yeah, I was across the street at Popeyes, but it looked like some man was going to rob the place, so I came here instead.
–Flatbush & Ocean Parkway, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Anna
Crazy lady to pigeon: Get outta here! You ain’t gonna get none if you beg. You gotta wait for me to give it to you. (throws bread in other direction) That’s why you ain’t get none. (a few minutes later, she gets up to leave) Alright. It’s been real. Thank for not stealing my potato chips.
–Tribeca Park
Four-year-old boy to mom: Mom, when you take chips from my bag without asking, you’re stealing. We talked about this. We talked about this at length.
–Uptown 3 Train
Overheard by: This girl from NY
A Straight Guy’s Worst Nightmare Is Wednesday One-Liners
Man to woman: Remember, when we first met our menstrual cycles were almost the same.
–Myrtle Ave, Brooklyn
Burly man into cell: I know I’m a princess. You don’t have to tell me that… It’s nice of you to say so, anyway.
–Pratt Institute
Overheard by: LesbianUnicorn
20-something guy to friend: Hey, how old were you when you learned that girls don’t have penises?
–1 Train
Overheard by: Derek
Gothy teen: Have you ever noticed that the most attractive Japanese women turn out to be men?
–Uptown A Train
Guy with lots of makeup on: Seriously, if you want to date me, put some eyeliner on.
–Williamsburg
