Archive for 2019

Mr. Belvedere Left Us With a Huge Smile

Mer­chant Ma­rine guy #1: Did you hear that there are like 75 swiss cheese deaths a year?
Mer­chant Ma­rine guy #2: What? What do you mean?
Mer­chant Ma­rine guy #1: It’s re­al­ly rare, but some­times there is a chem­i­cal re­ac­tion and the cheese blows up in peo­ple’s stom­achs.
Mer­chant Ma­rine guy #2: That has to be the worst death ever.
Mer­chant Ma­rine guy #1: Or the best if the guy re­al­ly loves cheese.

–LIRR

… If You Know What I Mean

Drunk NYU queer: Do you live in Ru­bin?
NYU girl: Yes.
Drunk NYU queer: On the 14th floor?
NYU girl: No, on the 11th floor.
Drunk NYU queer: The guy I’ve been dat­ing is the RA on the 14th floor. Do you live on the 14th floor?
NYU girl: No, I live on the 11th floor, hon­ey.
Drunk NYU queer: The guy I’ve been dat­ing is the RA on the 14th floor. He is. His name is Dan. We ate ap­ples to­geth­er.

–A train

Over­heard by: Leslie G.

The Lit­tle Wednes­day One-Lin­er That Could

Cheer­ful fe­male con­duc­tor: This is the ex­press train. That means it’s not not not not not not not the lo­cal train. Don’t screw up.

–Metro-North Rail

Over­heard by: Lynne

Con­duc­tor: Be­hold! This is Wood­side! Change here for the for­mer Shea Sta­di­um, now Mets-Wil­lets point. Have a great time!

–LIRR

Con­duc­tor: Af­ter Syos­set, the next stop will be ex­press, di­rect­ly to Hunters Point Av­enue. Do not pass go, do not col­lect 200 dol­lars.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: morn­ing­com­mute

Con­duc­tor: There is an up­town ex­press train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don’t just stand there look­ing at it.

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: Julie

Con­duc­tor, as doors open for pas­sen­gers: Ladies and gen­tle­men, we know you’ve been wait­ing a long time for a train… (doors close abrupt­ly) Wait for an­oth­er.

–Q Train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Call It “Ex­treme Shar­ing”

20-some­thing hip­ster to friend, punch­ing him in the arm: Dude, you stole my Face­book sta­tus!

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: dude, just think up a new one!

Ca­ble man to an­oth­er, stand­ing in line at Wendy’s: Yeah, I was across the street at Popeyes, but it looked like some man was go­ing to rob the place, so I came here in­stead.

–Flat­bush & Ocean Park­way, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: An­na

Crazy la­dy to pi­geon: Get out­ta here! You ain’t gonna get none if you beg. You got­ta wait for me to give it to you. (throws bread in oth­er di­rec­tion) That’s why you ain’t get none. (a few min­utes lat­er, she gets up to leave) Al­right. It’s been re­al. Thank for not steal­ing my pota­to chips.

–Tribeca Park

Four-year-old boy to mom: Mom, when you take chips from my bag with­out ask­ing, you’re steal­ing. We talked about this. We talked about this at length.

–Up­town 3 Train

Over­heard by: This girl from NY

A Straight Guy’s Worst Night­mare Is Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Man to woman: Re­mem­ber, when we first met our men­stru­al cy­cles were al­most the same.

–Myr­tle Ave, Brook­lyn

Burly man in­to cell: I know I’m a princess. You don’t have to tell me that… It’s nice of you to say so, any­way.

–Pratt In­sti­tute

Over­heard by: Les­bia­nUni­corn

20-some­thing guy to friend: Hey, how old were you when you learned that girls don’t have penis­es?

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Derek

Gothy teen: Have you ever no­ticed that the most at­trac­tive Japan­ese women turn out to be men?

–Up­town A Train

Guy with lots of make­up on: Se­ri­ous­ly, if you want to date me, put some eye­lin­er on.

–Williams­burg