Archive for 2019

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Love Drunk Talk

Drunk girl with tin­sel in her hair: Al­right, so why is in my his­to­ry that it says “”?

–Star­bucks, Sheri­dan Square

Drunk guy: The Amazins? Fuck them! The on­ly amazin’ thing about them is they nev­er fuck­ing win…

–Down­town 6 Train

Drunk man at 1:30 am: Vagi­na bar!

–49th St, As­to­ria

Drunk girl­friend to even drunk­er boyfriend: Ohmigod! I have to get up in five hours and teach!

–116th St

Jel­ly Roll Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Chick: … So she had sex with both Rush Lim­baugh and Bernie Kerik? Ewww, I would­n’t want to be her vagi­na!

–10 E 53rd St

Over­heard by: I thought ewww, too

Fat lati­na: You mean it don’t shake and jump up and down? Girl, what kin­da clit do you have?

–Stan­ton & Clin­ton

Old guy sweep­ing side­walk: You won’t see me beg­ging for no pussy. No way.

–118th & 5th

Over­heard by: robin b

Girl in skirt to boy, both stand­ing in the cold: If you could see my un­der­car­riage right now you would see that it’s quiv­er­ing.

–21st & Broad­way

Guy on cell: Yeah, girl. Well, just wait, ’cause I’m gonna ter­ror­ize your pussy tonight.

–Flat­bush Ave, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Pe­ter Rice

Les­bian: … So I was like, ‘Fine, bitch. You can shove your own fuck­ing fin­gers up your own fuck­ing cooch. I’m go­ing to put on my clothes and sit in the cor­ner and change my Face­book sta­tus…’

–Re­stroom, Stuyvesant High School

Teen boy: I ate too much pussy. Now I have pussy poi­son­ing.

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: sara swank

Chick­en-Fried Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

40-year-old mom: Last year they took the class to a farm in Brook­lyn, and he punt­ed a live chick­en.

–Christo­pher St & 7th Ave

Over­heard by: con­fused

Woman in chick­en suit hand­ing out fly­ers: Please take one so I can go home!

–34th St & 7th Ave

Over­heard by: Mag­gie

Girl on cell: … So he was right in the mid­dle of the chick­en…

–119th & Broad­way

Teen girl: The chick­ens are gonna kill me, se­ri­ous­ly!

–8th & Ocean

Hobo: Do you know how much I re­gret that? No­body got AIDS… ex­cept the chick­en.

–W 4th St sub­way sta­tion

A Mis­un­der­stand­ing Re­gard­ing Whether Her Man Should Con­tin­ue Breath­ing

Woman: This is the sec­ond time I been to New York, though, ’cause last time my girl was like, “Do you like the nightlife?” and I said, “Yeah,” and she was like, “Then you got­ta get to the city, bitch,” and I got ar­rest­ed for smok­ing a blunt on some­one’s brown­stone.
Man: That’s ter­ri­ble.
Woman: Oh no, I mean, it was like the sec­ond time I got ar­rest­ed, you know, so it was like no big deal.
Man: What hap­pened the first time?
Girl: Oh, that was just a mis­un­der­stand­ing. I was like 14, and I was wit’ ma man, and we was hav­ing words–like, we was hav­ing a disagreement–and I stabbed him, is all. It was just a mis­un­der­stand­ing.

–Chi­na­town bus

Over­heard by: Fung Wah­ha­ha­ha­ha­ha

Looks Like Dis­ney’s Al­ready Got­ten Its Claws In­to Him

Dad to four-year-old son: Hey, don’t touch that! Don’t pick up things off the ground here. I just saw a mouse.
Four-year-old son: You saw a mouse! You are so lucky! I al­ways want­ed to see one of those!
Dad, sigh­ing: You don’t want to see them, they are dirty.
Son: You’re so lucky. Wow! A mouse.

–8th Ave & 14th St

Over­heard by: Must not be from the vil­lage