Archive for 2019

Let’s Not Bick­er and Ar­gue over Who Tapped Who

Hip­ster chick #1: Augh! His ass is hairy!
Hip­ster chick #2: Ha­ha­ha, and dis­gust­ing! I would nev­er, ever tap that.
Hip­ster chick #1: You can’t tap that — guys can on­ly tap girls’ ass­es… Right?
Hip­ster chick #2: Sure. Prob­a­bly. Yes. But when you hang out with a gay guy all day long, things like that get a bit hazy.

–Star­bucks

How Many Weight Watch­ers Points Are in a Wednes­day One-Lin­er?

Young man: You’re fat be­cause you need to re­lease. Look at me, that’s why I’m slim and sexy. I beat off every day.

–Prospect Heights, Brook­lyn

Sales­girl to sales­girl friend: I wan­na thank you for tak­ing the time to re­peat­ed­ly hit me in my arm fat and make it jig­gle.

–Hen­ri Ben­del

Over­heard by: Stephan Dion

Pro­fes­sor to class of girls: You guys are all thin (looks around class­room and no­tices there are some fat girls) …most­ly.

–Fash­ion In­sti­tute of Tech­nol­o­gy

Suit to an­oth­er: All I’m try­ing to say is, she’s not tall enough for her weight.

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: ed­napon­tel­li­er

Black girl: Fat peo­ple can do splits be­cause they have no bones.

–Piz­za Place, St. Mark’s Place

Five-year-old to very over­weight man while wait­ing for Thanks­giv­ing Day pa­rade: Are you one of the bal­loons?

–Broad­way & 50th St

Over­heard by: Pe­ter

Next Time Try It on a Goth Kid

Crazy old la­dy to young clerk: What­sa mat­ter, you don’t like old ladies? If I was forty years younger, I would eat you up like an, like an ap­ple. [to old­er clerk] C’mere gimme a kiss. C’­mon gimme a kiss. What are you, scared? I’d have you lay­ing out in my fu­ner­al par­lour in a pine box. What do you think if we skinned the knish? They’ll wrap you in sheet and ship you back to Yemen. You want to ride the bull with me? You’ll de­cide you love Amer­i­ca.

–Grand & Bush­wick, Williams­burg

The Ug­ly Busi­ness of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Ag­i­tat­ed pa­pi: I love him like a broth­er, but he a fuckin’ in­con­sid­er­ate, un­grate­ful, self­ish bas­tard! And he got a ug­ly ba­by!

–14th & Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Man­hattman

Young Kid: New York is ug­ly!

–JFK

Over­heard by: La­toya Sir­atana

Wise teen girl: That’s not giv­ing up on him. That’s let­ting him fuck ugli­er girls.

–Brook­lyn Bridge

Over­heard by: walk­ing the bridge

Gig­gling lit­tle girl in stroller: I’m ug­ly! I’m ug­ly! I’m ug­ly! I’m ug­ly! I’m ug­ly…!

–Down­town R train

Old­er woman to com­plete stranger: You should re­al­ly stop eat­ing that crap be­cause it’s go­ing to make you ugli­er than you al­ready are!

–Fair­way, W 73rd St

Over­heard by: just try­ing to buy my gro­ceries…

B&T guy: As I was say­ing, just ’cause you’re ug­ly, don’t mean you’re smart.

–Low­er East Side