Archive for 2019

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are a Fam­i­ly Af­fair

Man scream­ing on phone: If you got kids and you’re not gonna let the un­cle know… That ain’t right!

–For­est Hills, Queens

Over­heard by: Sara

Suit on cell: I punched my daugh­ter in the fuck­ing head yes­ter­day.

–Hud­son & Van­dam

Over­heard by: Alex

Girl to guy: Yeah… My sis­ter’s autis­tic, so we went to Dis­ney World a lot…

–So­ho

Over­heard by: Benf

Bald­ing over­weight prep­py play­er, hold­ing golf clubs: Dude, I had sex with her twin sis­ter and it was by far bet­ter than the oth­er one man.

–Meat­pack­ing Dis­trict

At Least Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Pret­ty

Girl to friend: I won­der what’s the dif­fer­ence be­tween hard tacos and soft tacos.

–Line at Taco Bell, Queens Mall Food Court

Over­heard by: NTA

Guy talk­ing to his friend: I don’t be­lieve there is a first time for every­thing, but I do think there is a first time for any­thing.

–2nd St & Ave B

Over­heard by: Max Berlinger

Girl on cell in hall­way: She told me to get bac­te­r­i­al soap.

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty, Rose Hill

Over­heard by: Kriszti­na ‚who us­es an­ti-bac­te­r­i­al

Sub­way co­me­di­an: My wife is so stu­pid. I told her to take the 2 train, she took the 1 twice. [Awk­ward si­lence fol­lows. Co­me­di­an pro­ceeds to dance around a sub­way pole pre­tend­ing to be a strip­per.]

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Sub­way rid­er

Guy on cell: Dude, you’ve got to stop do­ing this “liv­ing pay­check to pay­check” thing be­cause every time you get a check it’s like an emo­tion­al high­way.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty Cam­pus

Over­heard by: Ali­na

Col­lege girl, af­ter clos­ing a Nutel­la jar: I solved it! I solved the puz­zle!

–Broome St

Over­heard by: YJL

They Found the Styl­ist with an Aqua Net

Woman #1: So my mom is all de­pressed be­cause of the Hur­ri­cane Ka­t­ri­na stuff, and she says she has no time to take care of her­self. And I say, “It’s just a call to du­ty, Mom.” I mean, if she’d go to the beau­ty par­lor…
Woman #2: The beau­ty par­lor prob­a­bly got de­stroyed.
Woman #1: Yes, and they had to build a new one. And I say, if she just goes in there and has them…fix her hair, or something…she’ll feel so much bet­ter!

–H&M, Broad­way & Prince

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get Rail­road­ed

Con­duc­tor: Check around, make sure you have all of your be­long­ings. If you have small chil­dren, make sure you hold on­to them. (in haunt­ing tone) Would­n’t want to see them disappear…into the gap.

–Metro-North Line

Over­heard by: Jess

Train con­duc­tor on PA: The last car is the qui­et car. No cell phones or loud con­ver­sa­tions please. If you need to have a con­ver­sa­tion, please do so silent­ly.

–Penn Sta­tion

Con­duc­tress, in mo­not­o­ne: The next stop on this train will be Grand Street, the last stop in the borough…in the borough.…in the bor­ough of Man­hat­tan.

–D Train

Over­heard by: Jon A.

Con­duc­tor on PA: The next stop will be 51st Street. All of you lookin’ for the lo­cal train on the oth­er plat­form: hey yo! We over here!

–14th Street Sta­tion

MTA con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, this train will be out of com­mis­sion, uh…right now. Get out!

–MetroNorth Train

Over­heard by: Kellin

Train con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­man, brace for im­pact. (pause) Nah…just kid­ding, I could nev­er pull that shit off. Y’all lucky we un­der­ground! Have a safe day.

–A Train

And Even Then, On­ly Ce­re­al Box­es

Male suit: So, you’re a lit­er­ary agent? That’s so cool. How’s it go­ing?
La­dy suit: I just sold my first book! And the movie rights were op­tioned the same day!
Male suit: To­tal­ly ex­cit­ing. What’s the book about?
La­dy suit: Oh, I don’t know. I haven’t ac­tu­al­ly read it.
Male suit: That’s cool. I did­n’t re­al­ly read much un­til I start­ed col­lege.

–A train

Over­heard by: Max Perkins Is Rolling in His Grave

Could You Re­mind Me How to Breathe?

Hip In­di­an chick #1: We should to­tal­ly go to Ra­j’s par­ty to­mor­row night.
Hip In­di­an chick #2: Oh my god, we to­tal­ly should! Ex­cept it’s in Brook­lyn. Like, how would we even get there? Are there like, bridges or some­thing?
Hip In­di­an chick #1: You’re kid­ding, right?
Hip In­di­an chick #2, laugh­ing: Wow! I am so one of those peo­ple who are like to­tal ge­nius­es but al­ways for­get like, re­al­ly ba­sic stuff.
Hip In­di­an chick #1: Umm, yeah. To­tal­ly.

–M14D Bus

Over­heard by: Cody