Archive for 2019

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Family Affair

Man screaming on phone: If you got kids and you’re not gonna let the uncle know… That ain’t right!

–Forest Hills, Queens

Overheard by: Sara

Suit on cell: I punched my daughter in the fucking head yesterday.

–Hudson & Vandam

Overheard by: Alex

Girl to guy: Yeah… My sister’s autistic, so we went to Disney World a lot…

–Soho

Overheard by: Benf

Balding overweight preppy player, holding golf clubs: Dude, I had sex with her twin sister and it was by far better than the other one man.

–Meatpacking District

They Found the Stylist with an Aqua Net

Woman #1: So my mom is all depressed because of the Hurricane Katrina stuff, and she says she has no time to take care of herself. And I say, “It’s just a call to duty, Mom.” I mean, if she’d go to the beauty parlor…
Woman #2: The beauty parlor probably got destroyed.
Woman #1: Yes, and they had to build a new one. And I say, if she just goes in there and has them…fix her hair, or something…she’ll feel so much better!

–H&M, Broadway & Prince 

Wednesday One-Liners Get Railroaded

Conductor: Check around, make sure you have all of your belongings. If you have small children, make sure you hold onto them. (in haunting tone) Wouldn’t want to see them disappear…into the gap.

–Metro-North Line

Overheard by: Jess

Train conductor on PA: The last car is the quiet car. No cell phones or loud conversations please. If you need to have a conversation, please do so silently.

–Penn Station

Conductress, in monotone: The next stop on this train will be Grand Street, the last stop in the borough…in the borough.…in the borough of Manhattan.

–D Train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Conductor on PA: The next stop will be 51st Street. All of you lookin’ for the local train on the other platform: hey yo! We over here!

–14th Street Station

MTA conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this train will be out of commission, uh…right now. Get out!

–MetroNorth Train

Overheard by: Kellin

Train conductor: Ladies and gentleman, brace for impact. (pause) Nah…just kidding, I could never pull that shit off. Y’all lucky we underground! Have a safe day.

–A Train

And Even Then, Only Cereal Boxes

Male suit: So, you’re a literary agent? That’s so cool. How’s it going?
Lady suit: I just sold my first book! And the movie rights were optioned the same day!
Male suit: Totally exciting. What’s the book about?
Lady suit: Oh, I don’t know. I haven’t actually read it.
Male suit: That’s cool. I didn’t really read much until I started college.

–A train

Overheard by: Max Perkins Is Rolling in His Grave

Could You Remind Me How to Breathe?

Hip Indian chick #1: We should totally go to Raj’s party tomorrow night.
Hip Indian chick #2: Oh my god, we totally should! Except it’s in Brooklyn. Like, how would we even get there? Are there like, bridges or something?
Hip Indian chick #1: You’re kidding, right?
Hip Indian chick #2, laughing: Wow! I am so one of those people who are like total geniuses but always forget like, really basic stuff.
Hip Indian chick #1: Umm, yeah. Totally.

–M14D Bus

Overheard by: Cody

I Was Sick for Take Your Daughter to Work Day.

Long Island girl: 42nd St is where there is lots of prostitution, right?
Female friend: What?
Long Island girl: Yeah, I thought I heard that 42nd St was where all the prostitutes were?
Female friend: Ummm…that’s like Times Square. It’s a major touristy spot.
Male friend: Maybe there’s an occasional strip club?
Long Island girl: Oh my god, I really want to go to a strip club–I’ve never been to one before!

–6 Train

Overheard by: Amused

Headline by: 1310 (formerly SNA)

Runners-Up:
· “As the Economic Crisis Worsens, Margie Becomes Increasingly Desperate for a Job.” — Carla
· “I Thought Mass Tourism WAS Whoring Yourself Out ?” — Cass
· “If Parents Don’t Have the Sex Industry Talk, Someone Else Will” — space coyote
· “Long Islanders and Tourists Have Become One.” — Fresca
· “That’s How They Get New Recruits” — Skwerl!

Click here to see the new Headline Contest