Archive for 2019

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Lis­ten to Bauhaus

Guy: Dead girls? Come on. I’m afraid of re­al girls. Dead girls are even scari­er.

–Park Slope

Over­heard by: Car­rie

Guy: …he’s still liv­ing that zom­bie-tur­tle lifestyle…

–14th be­tween Uni­ver­si­ty & 5th

Over­heard by: Joe Strike

La­dy on cell: …so we were at this goth club and I moon­walked in­to some­one…

–72nd & Colum­bus

Woman: I would­n’t fit in this even if I was cre­mat­ed.

–Ma­cy’s

Over­heard by: kathy du­by

Man: If it was­n’t for his sui­cide, Ter­ry and I would nev­er have met.

–Rock­e­feller Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Rick Segall

Levi John­ston Has Fall­en on Hard Times

Man with bon­go: Who’s that ba­by ma­ma?! Who’s that ba­by ma­ma?!
Man with bon­go, putting on blonde wig: I’m that ba­by ma­ma! I’m that ba­by ma­ma!
Man with bon­go: Who’s that ba­by dad­dy?! Who’s that ba­by dad­dy?!
Man with bon­go, tak­ing off blonde wig: I’m that ba­by dad­dy! I’m that ba­by dad­dy!

–F Train

Over­heard by: Leise

Aqua Teen Hunger Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Suit on cell: Nah, don’t even both­er call­in’ that fuckin’ guy. At 4:59 he pulls the steam whis­tle and slides down the Bron­tosaurus tail.

–45th & 7th

Over­heard by: Fred F.

Home­girl to an­oth­er: Yo, you re­mind me of my nig­ga, Sponge­Bob!

–125th & Am­s­ter­dam

20-some­thing babe: Op­ti­mus Prime is my boyfriend!

–Union Square cin­e­ma

Suit: The win­ter af­ter I grad­u­at­ed col­lege I watched a lot of Car­toon Net­work.

–8th St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: jonesy

Girl: Yeah, you know, it’s just like the time I dyed my­self blue, on­ly the guy I was with was col­or­blind so he could­n’t even tell! Hey, haven’t you ever want­ed to know what it feels like to be a Smurf?

–1 train

Fat pro­fes­sor: In or­der to avoid eco­nom­ic loss you have to look deep­er than the av­er­age bear.

–Pace Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: ran­dom stu­dent

It’s Like the En­tire State Gets Spon­ta­neous Parkin­son’s

Girl #1: So how do you like New York?
Guy: I love it. I mean, I love com­ing here, but I could­n’t live here.
Girl #2: Why not?
Guy: I’m not a snow per­son. Snow should be vis­it­ed, not lived in. Me and bliz­zards just would­n’t get along.
Girl #1: We’re from South Car­oli­na. We love it here. We don’t mind
the snow. It’s bet­ter than the storms and hur­ri­canes.
Girl #2: Yeah, I hate the hur­ri­canes.
Guy: Well, where I live we don’t have bliz­zards or hur­ri­canes.
Girl #1: But you have earth­quakes. That’s worse.
Guy: Maybe, but we don’t have earth­quake sea­son.

–At­lantic & 3rd, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Big Dave

You Know They’d Cook With Tran­sub­stan­ti­at­ed Fats

20 year-old guy: What if the af­ter­life and hell ex­ists? I mean if it does, there has to be a so­ci­ety be­cause bil­lions of peo­ple would be there by now.
Friend: Yeah…
20 year-old: So that’s a lot of peo­ple, like a so­ci­ety has to emerge since there can’t be that many demons and tor­tur­ers. You would have like a Mc­Don­ald’s and peo­ple work­ing there. (pause) But you could be work­ing there, and it could be every day for an eter­ni­ty.
Friends: That’s so much worse than hell.

–New Jer­sey Tran­sit, Port Au­thor­i­ty Bus Ter­mi­nal