Archive for 2019

If They Had Kids, There’s a Fifth Op­tion

Girl: Think you’ll be able to con­vince your par­ents to go see a movie or some­thing over Christ­mas?
Guy: Not a chance. My par­ents are im­pos­si­ble to mo­ti­vate to do any­thing.
Girl: Ah, I bet you could get them to at least try dur­ing the hol­i­days.
Guy: I’m not kidding…They are com­plete­ly ex­haust­ed by eat­ing, sleep­ing, shit­ting, and work­ing. That’s all they have en­er­gy for.

–Tomp­kins Square Park

Over­heard by: BBW

Nev­er Leaves the House

Guy #1: It’s too bad what that stingray did to Steve Ir­win, but it was just an un­pre­ventable ac­ci­dent.
Guy #2: Un­pre­ventable?! He shoul­da stayed in the fuckin’ boat!

–Kevin St. James Bar, 8th Ave

Over­heard by: Hobo Whis­per­er

Will You Have My Ba­by, Sir?

Ac­tivist: Sir, do you have a minute for wom­en’s rights?
Man: What rights don’t you have?
Ac­tivist: The right to an abor­tion.
Man: I don’t have that right ei­ther. There. We’re equal.

–10th St & Uni­ver­si­ty Pl

…But It Gets Blown a Lot.

Tall, hot hip­ster brunette: I mean, when I see girls flock­ing around him when he’s DJing I just think “oh, they are DJ whores.“
Lit­tle Asian friend: Uh-huh.
Tall, hot hip­ster brunette: But this girl has nev­er seen him DJ or any­thing. I don’t get it. It’s be­yond my lev­el of com­pre­hen­sion.
Lit­tle Asian friend: It’s okay, me too.
Tall, hot hip­ster brunette: It’s like he has a slut whis­tle and we can­not hear that fre­quen­cy.

–Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: muf­fin

In­fec­tious Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Guy: I said to my­self ‘he’s nev­er go­ing to make it’, he’s a drug freak, he has three STDs. But you proved me wrong, my friend

–Co­lum­bia Jour­nal­ism School Grad­u­a­tion Re­cep­tion

Over­heard by: Mooching the Free Food

Queer on cell: I had three staph in­fec­tions last year — one from the gym show­er and the oth­er two from the Roxy, but we won’t go in­to that.

–11th St & 2nd Ave

Surly truck dri­ver: Yeah, the test re­sults came back pos­i­tive… but I’m not go­ing to tell her.

–W 57th

Over­heard by: Greg H.