Archive for 2019

Wednes­day One-Linar­rrrs

Old hobo: I’m not a crack­head, I’m a pi­rate!

–West 4th St

Over­heard by: Tina

Gay Eng­lish prof: The pi­rates need sex!

–Barnard Col­lege

Five-year-old boy, in pi­rate ac­cent: We’re at the cen­ter of the uni­verse! Yarrr!

–Times Square

20-some­thing to date: This root beer is strong. It makes me feel like a pi­rate!

–23rd St & 9th Ave

Oh, Dad! We Have Pills For That Now

Girl: So I’m fi­nal­ly go­ing to tell that guy that I like him.
Fa­ther: What guy?
Girl: That re­al­ly hot dude that took me to the prom.
Fa­ther: Oh, ok, good.
Girl: But it’s go­ing to be re­al­ly weird cuz this guy could have any woman he wants.
Fa­ther: Just hit him over the head, drag him in the house and don’t let him leave.

–A train

Over­heard by: cave man style

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Looked Bet­ter in the Pre­views

Husky un­shaved guy to younger girl­friend: You mean you nev­er saw An­i­mal House? You’re not hu­man!

–Low­er West Side

Thug to an­oth­er: Jab­ba the Hutt? That’s like some Tony So­pra­no shit, nig­ga. And the spices? That’s drugs. Star Wars drugs!

–13th St & Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Jaimie

Girl to friends: My Eng­lish teacher said Pre­cious is “whack.”

–City Cin­e­mas, E 86th St

Stuffy Bul­gar­i­an pro­fes­sor: Do you guys know the film Soul Plane? It’s very fun­ny, right?

–NYU

Over­heard by: re­al­ly glad I got up be­fore 9:30 for this

Girl on cell: Yeah, af­ter that movie, I’m gonna think all adopt­ed kids are evil dwarfs with a hor­mone im­bal­ance.

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Looks Like a Job for the Wednes­day One-Lin­er Whis­per­er

Ur­ban Tarzan: I grew up in a house of mon­keys. My moth­er was a mon­key, my fa­ther was a mon­key, my broth­er was a pig.

–Main St, Roo­sevelt Is­land

Over­heard by: king vol­cano

Cus­tomer on cell: Well, the kids fi­nal­ly found Grand­ma’s python.

–Dol­lar Store, Ful­ton St

Over­heard by: fi­at lux

Ge­nius: I re­al­ly can’t stand cats. They’re just fur­ry rats.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Woman: I feel so guilty when the cat catch­es me mas­tur­bat­ing.

–B&J Fab­rics, 7th Ave

Over­heard by: Sham­rock

Young man on cell: Wait. Are you talk­ing about what’s nor­mal for pen­guins or what’s nor­mal for four-year-olds?

–El­e­va­tor, Belle­vue Hos­pi­tal

Over­heard by: pa­tient

White teen: Turkeys are mad strong, you know that?

–Bleeck­er be­tween Lafayette & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Jon A.

Mid­dle-aged woman on cell: I have to get home to cook spaghet­ti for my cat.

–3rd Ave, be­tween 53rd & 54th