Archive for 2019

Wednesday One-Linarrrrs

Old hobo: I'm not a crackhead, I'm a pirate!

–West 4th St

Overheard by: Tina

Gay English prof: The pirates need sex!

–Barnard College

Five-year-old boy, in pirate accent: We're at the center of the universe! Yarrr!

–Times Square

20-something to date: This root beer is strong. It makes me feel like a pirate!

–23rd St & 9th Ave

Oh, Dad! We Have Pills For That Now

Girl: So I’m finally going to tell that guy that I like him.
Father: What guy?
Girl: That really hot dude that took me to the prom.
Father: Oh, ok, good.
Girl: But it’s going to be really weird cuz this guy could have any woman he wants.
Father: Just hit him over the head, drag him in the house and don’t let him leave.

–A train

Overheard by: cave man style

Wednesday One-Liners Looked Better in the Previews

Husky unshaved guy to younger girlfriend: You mean you never saw Animal House? You're not human!

–Lower West Side

Thug to another: Jabba the Hutt? That's like some Tony Soprano shit, nigga. And the spices? That's drugs. Star Wars drugs!

–13th St & University

Overheard by: Jaimie

Girl to friends: My English teacher said Precious is "whack."

–City Cinemas, E 86th St

Stuffy Bulgarian professor: Do you guys know the film Soul Plane? It's very funny, right?

–NYU

Overheard by: really glad I got up before 9:30 for this

Girl on cell: Yeah, after that movie, I'm gonna think all adopted kids are evil dwarfs with a hormone imbalance.

–Columbus Circle

And Isn't a “Safety Position”, Like, a Sex Thing?

College girl #1: I mean, if I saw a person seizing in the middle of the street, I probably wouldn't help them.
College girl #2: Yeah, I wouldn't know what to do.
College girl #1: She said that because of her first aid class, she knew to put him in a safety position, but I don't even know what that means! I mean, if a person is having a seizure, I don't think any position is very safe for them…

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Scarlett

Looks Like a Job for the Wednesday One-Liner Whisperer

Urban Tarzan: I grew up in a house of monkeys. My mother was a monkey, my father was a monkey, my brother was a pig.

–Main St, Roosevelt Island

Overheard by: king volcano

Customer on cell: Well, the kids finally found Grandma’s python.

–Dollar Store, Fulton St

Overheard by: fiat lux

Genius: I really can’t stand cats. They’re just furry rats.

–Washington Square Park

Woman: I feel so guilty when the cat catches me masturbating.

–B&J Fabrics, 7th Ave

Overheard by: Shamrock

Young man on cell: Wait. Are you talking about what’s normal for penguins or what’s normal for four-year-olds?

–Elevator, Bellevue Hospital

Overheard by: patient

White teen: Turkeys are mad strong, you know that?

–Bleecker between Lafayette & Broadway

Overheard by: Jon A.

Middle-aged woman on cell: I have to get home to cook spaghetti for my cat.

–3rd Ave, between 53rd & 54th