Archive for 2019

Don’t Wor­ry, I Know a Guy Who Can Score Some

Girl #1: Do you have Laugh­ing Cow cheese, you know the lit­tle but­ton cheeses?
Cheese counter guy: Sor­ry, we don’t have that.
Girl #1: Can I find it any­where in the store?
Cheese counter guy: No, since it has preser­v­a­tives, we don’t sell it here at Whole Foods.
Girl #2: No won­der my doc­tor does­n’t al­low me to have them.

–Whole Foods, Time Warn­er Cen­ter

Over­heard by: George

Wednes­day One-Lit­ters

Lit­tle girl to moth­er: I don’t wan­na be a lawyer any­more, when I grow up I wan­na be a cat!

–Chelsea

Woman to friend: I mean, he’s just so an­ti-so­cial! He has like 19 cats!

–Lafayette & Prince

Girl to friend: My cat is a flam­ing ho­mo­sex­u­al.

–34th & 5th

Girl: And so she says, “let’s fol­low the cat!” So we do, and the cat leads us to a pile of hero­in!

–Cafe­te­ria, Barnard Col­lege

Fras­es De Mier­coles

Young guy on cell: You’re lucky I’m Colom­bian. If I was Ecuado­ri­an, I’d be slap­ping you!

–Jack­son Heights

Over­heard by: Jobee

An­gry man walk­ing alone, to him­self: I could have mar­ried a Do­mini­can, but no, I de­cid­ed not to!

–Mer­cer & Broome

Teen girl to friend: Your new Mex­i­can is su­per creepy.

–On Line for the Col­bert Re­port, Hel­l’s Kitchen

Guy on cell: No, no, man, she’s Puer­to Ri­can. I’m just sayin’ she’s Do­mini­can ’cause it sounds hot­ter.

–105 St & Lex­ing­ton

Thug hold­ing box of maxi pads: Yo, that moth­er­fuck­er is like the gay Mex­i­can Mar­lon Bran­do. Clas­sic…

–CVS

Over­heard by: Karen

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers from the Hoboge­nous Zone

Home­less la­dy to an­oth­er: So you’re a cer­ti­fied drug ad­dict, right?

–23rd & Broad­way

Home­less man with bag: Ladies and Gen­tle­men, I have this Liz Clai­borne pock­et­book for sale. A 60-dol­lar val­ue for 35 dol­lars. [Pause] I have this pock­et­book for sale. A 50-dol­lar val­ue and I’m sell­ing it for on­ly 40 dol­lars. [Pause] Any­body got change for a five? Ladies and Gen­tle­men, I got a Clai­borne bag val­ued at 80 dol­lars but I’m sell­in’ it for 25. Man, this is a nice bag. If you peo­ple don’t buy, I’ll just keep it for my­self.

–Brook­lyn-bound N train

Over­heard by: Jen­nifer

Hobo: But I made a huge mis­take, see? I spent eight dol­lars and 92 cents on Arm and Ham­mer!

–84th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Alex

Home­less guy: Valet ser­vice, right here! Valet ser­vice!

–Pel­ham Bay Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Silent­But­Dead­ly

Hobo to hot chick: Wow! You’re the ugli­est thing I’ve ever seen in my life!

–Broad­way & 116th

Rap­ping pan­han­dler: I ac­cept cash, checks, food stamps, ben­e­fit cards, mon­ey or­ders…

–Down­town 1 train

Street bum: [To no one] I’ll be back right af­ter these mes­sages.

–Bleeck­er & Eliz­a­beth

Over­heard by: al b