Thug #1: Man, this nigga is so gangsta.
Thug #2, sharing thug #1’s headphones: Word. Although, really I think he just raps like that because he’s really vulnerable right now.
–L train, 1st Ave
Overheard by: kanye’s therapist
Archive for 2019
… From a Hideous Douchebag
Dude on motorcycle handing rose to girl: A beautiful rose for a beautiful lady.
Girl: Ew.
–W 4th St
Negative Twenty ‘Hood Points Just for Knowing the Word ‘Cosine’
Ghetto wannabe #1: Yo’ rhymes are so lame it’s like you took the cosine.
Ghetto wannabe #2: You so poor you go fishin’ for dimes.
–Woodhaven, Queens
Overheard by: drendar
Headline by: Against Marj
Runners-Up:
· “Bill and Hillary Prepare for Next Year’s Video Music Awards” – DoubleJ
· “Cosine? Like from Nigganometry?” – Big Larry
· “E = MC Hammer Squared” – Christina
· “M.C. Tangent and D.J. Non-Sequitur.” – SandmanEsq
· “My rhymes are so hype I can divide by zero, Burnin’ down the ghetto like my name is Nero” – mk
· “Whitey got no algorithm” – Charlie
· “Why Pythagorus never got sined.” – Julie Baber
· “Yo’ so dumb you only know pi to 3.14159” – arielle
Oh, No, Honey. Those Are Just Gangstas
Mother: Be careful, sweetie, because there are criminals everywhere in New York!
Little girl: Look! There’s a taxi full of criminals!
–Outside Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Annie Dechant
…in the Fridge
10-year-old girl in school uniform: Ew! You mean you'd still go through with it?
10-year-old boy in school uniform: Yeah! At least she'd still have a vagina!
–Park Ave & 79th St
They’re Well Past Her at “Almost Pretty”
Almost pretty girl #1: Wow, I look just like Paris Hilton.
Almost pretty girl #2: You wish you looked like Paris Hilton.
Almost pretty girl #1: I do, actually.
–N train
And Be Eaten by Hippies from Minnesota
Fire truck loudspeaker to tourists blocking entrance: Please clear the area unless you want to end up as roadkill.
–WTC Site, Liberty Street
Like Gilmore Girls Going off the Air
50-ish woman: My mom had a stroke.
Friend: Honestly, worse things can happen.
–Café Henri, West Village
To Make Her Crazy Enough to Fit In
Chick #1: I didn’t get into any of the colleges on the east coast I applied to. I’m so bummed.
Chick #2: But you got into Miami — that’s pretty cool.
Chick #1: But that’s not on the east coast. I’m going to have to get a passport and some crazy shots to go there.
–W 10th & Bleecker
OMG! It’s Wednesday One-liners!
Priest: Please exit using the side doors as there are things going on in the front.
–St. Patrick’s Cathedral
Overheard by: Bryant
Old lady: Jesus on a check? Oh well, I’m an atheist, so it doesn’t really matter to me.
–E. 33rd Street office
Woman on cell: He can’t hear you when you hate me…You hate me? Then he can’t hear you! He can’t hear you! He can’t hear you! Jehovah can’t hear you when you hate me!
–42nd between 10th & 11th
Woman: You know, they tell those suicide bombers they’ll get 99 virgins when you get to heaven. 99 virgins! But if you blow yourself up in Brooklyn, you only get 50. Half off for Brooklyn.
–CVS, Harlem
Puerto Rican guy: Jesus loves you. I love you. I know you don’t want to listen to me. I know about your bunny rabbit… Will you be one of the 144,000 chosen?…On July 30th we will all come together. I will wear a kippa. But you know you have to accept the savior…There are 632,000 lords…I will stop talking to you now. The Flintstones told me not to.
–4 train
Overheard by: Matt F.