Archive for 2019

The On­ly Thing That Could Make Rent Bear­able.

Rent­head #1: He was­n’t *that* bad as Roger.
Rent­head #2: Weren’t you drunk last time you saw him?
Rent­head #1: Yeah. That’s prob­a­bly why. When I’m drunk I’m more like “Oh, his hair’s shiny,” rather than “Wow, he has no emo­tion.“
Rent­head #2: His hair is shiny. (pause) Next time he’s on as Roger, let’s get drunk.

–Ned­er­lan­der The­atre

Wait! Is It Go­ing Above 137th Street?

White chick #1: Ex­cuse me, is there an up­town train to 168th at this sta­tion?
White chick #2: Yeah, but the sub­ways aren’t run­ning above 137th, they’ve cut the pow­er lines. Take the M4 up Broad­way.
White chick #1: Okay, but there is an up­town 1 train at this sta­tion, cor­rect?
White chick #2: Yes, but at the mo­ment it’s not work­ing. They kicked us off at 137th and told us to take the bus.
White chick #1: So there is­n’t an up­town train at this sta­tion?
White chick #2: (si­lence, walks away)

–137th & Broad­way

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Gave You Life

Nine-year-old girl: Trick or treat! If you don’t have any can­dy, you can give my mom some liquor!

–Wine shop, Chelsea

Over­heard by: Cath­erynne Va­lente

Cute chick on cell: Hel­lo, Mom. I’m just call­ing to tell you I got a tat­too, and I’m telling you on your voice­mail so I don’t have to hear any shit from you about it. Call me af­ter you calm down. Bye.

–Canal & Lafayette

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

Mom and nine-year-old daugh­ter are walk­ing hand-in-hand.

Daugh­ter, shriek­ing: No, Mom­my, please don’t buy the ra­zor! Any­thing but the ra­zor, Mom­my!

–74th & Broad­way

Tween girl: My moth­er is prob­a­bly go­ing to shit on my head.

–Broad­way & 67th

Over­heard by: thaler

Hip­ster NYU dude: She’s not my moth­er any­more.

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Over­heard by: ya­mutha