Archive for 2019

The Only Thing That Could Make Rent Bearable.

Renthead #1: He wasn't *that* bad as Roger.
Renthead #2: Weren't you drunk last time you saw him?
Renthead #1: Yeah. That's probably why. When I'm drunk I'm more like “Oh, his hair's shiny,” rather than “Wow, he has no emotion.”
Renthead #2: His hair is shiny. (pause) Next time he's on as Roger, let's get drunk.

–Nederlander Theatre

Wait! Is It Going Above 137th Street?

White chick #1: Excuse me, is there an uptown train to 168th at this station?
White chick #2: Yeah, but the subways aren't running above 137th, they've cut the power lines. Take the M4 up Broadway.
White chick #1: Okay, but there is an uptown 1 train at this station, correct?
White chick #2: Yes, but at the moment it's not working. They kicked us off at 137th and told us to take the bus.
White chick #1: So there isn't an uptown train at this station?
White chick #2: (silence, walks away)

–137th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Gave You Life

Nine-year-old girl: Trick or treat! If you don’t have any candy, you can give my mom some liquor!

–Wine shop, Chelsea

Overheard by: Catherynne Valente

Cute chick on cell: Hello, Mom. I’m just calling to tell you I got a tattoo, and I’m telling you on your voicemail so I don’t have to hear any shit from you about it. Call me after you calm down. Bye.

–Canal & Lafayette

Overheard by: Big Larry

Mom and nine-year-old daughter are walking hand-in-hand.

Daughter, shrieking: No, Mommy, please don’t buy the razor! Anything but the razor, Mommy!

–74th & Broadway

Tween girl: My mother is probably going to shit on my head.

–Broadway & 67th

Overheard by: thaler

Hipster NYU dude: She’s not my mother anymore.

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: yamutha